Texas Crude: More homespun political wisdom from Cousin Bill

[DBP]

In case you’re wondering, I’m not making ANY of this up. There really is a Cousin Bill and he really says stuff like this. All the time. He’s even more hilarious in person, with his cowboy swagger and his ten-gallon twang.

The best thing out of Texas since Jim Hightower.

Read and enjoy.

—David

Perry appears to be fading into the sunset. We’ll all give a yell to that one. It means he’ll be here again, though, concentrating on Texas-sized problems. Thanks alot America!

Bachmann’s a definite nut case. Her views are best described as prehistoric & loosely Bible-based. She even scares extreme Christians I know down here. Hot and crazy; a scary combo. (If she lived close by I’d ask her out.)

How about Newt? A two faced-liar named for a lizard. “Who doesn’t love Newt?” (Songs are being composed in my head even as I type this.)

Cain is an extremist with defiantly original ideas. His 9-9-9 plan should grab the millionaire vote for sure. I saw figures on that. Middle class would be paying between double and triple what they are now while millionaires’ taxes would be slashed to less than half. God Save Our Rich and f**k the middle class with an unlubricated [lumber-related expletive deleted].

Romney. Good ole Mitt. Nice guy. Company man. The logical front-runner whom no one gets exicited about. Won’t step on any Republican toes, but also unpersonable. You’re expecting to like him, then he goes and opens his mouth.

The Mormon stigma is attached as well. I always felt the South Park episode on Mormons pretty well stated the facts & fantasy of this mid- 1800s Christian cult religion. Supposedly there were hundreds of Christian cults that sprang up during that time. This one managed to survive. I must admit to having known some of them and they are truly good, moral, nice people. But this is like saying: “I’m not prejudiced. Just look at my black friends.”

Makes one wonder, though: if Romney believes that all this happened in the 1800s to create this religion with absolutely no facts to back it up, only the word of Joseph Smith, what else could he be easily swayed on — dragging the rest of the country in tow?

Who knows? No republicans worth a rat’s ass…. (Even Perry knew that, till he was hypnotized in his late 20s.)

[Republicans] will still get the Obama-hater vote, but little else.

That leaves Obama — the great man himself. I believed his rhetoric. I voted for him and have been disappointed since the day he took office. Change? Change? Change? Yes, it sells, but there really hasn’t been much change of anything in our system. He let the Republicans gut his healthcare reform & every other plan he’s tried to implement. He’s shown no leadership what-so-ever in dealing with our many problems or the opposition. We needed a street fighter & got a diplomat. There’s a time & place for diplomacy; however, sooner or later you have to throw a punch or two. Obama has never thrown a single punch & that’s sad.

Really I’d rather vote for someone else, but I have a feeling it will come down to the lesser of two evils and that will be Obama.

 

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[365Stairs]

I am voting for a weekly “Cousin Bill” visit!

No fuss…no muss…not one damn thing anyone on either side could argue with…

The last 4 elections I voted in were the lesser of two weavels….

And…THATS whats wrong in our great nation.

50.1% believe strongly in a solid path…the rest are either on the fence with doubt or so hell bent on denial and denying success (even it it meant betterment for themselves)…

Please watch Rocky IV again…and again…

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[JoB]

it’s too bad your cousin isn’t published elsewhere…

Molly left a huge hole in Texas commentary

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[DBP]

I’ll see if Bill’s up for a regular column.

I must admit to being a little intimidated by that, though. It’s not the work that scares me — it’s the thought of what Bill’s gonna do to me for altering some of his more colorful locutions.

You know . . . they shoot editors in Texas.

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[DBP]

Following the last Republican debate in New Hampshire, Cousin Bill sent me a few — just a few — of his thoughts.

“How could I possibly remain silent with this abundance of political fodder?” he asked, rhetorically. And then he jumped right in.

Rick “Altered State” Perry has been phenomenal.

Seemingly oblivious, this contemporary master of the faux pas continues to plummet in the polls. No one could piss on his boots better than he does (no doubt due to the proximity effect).

A perfect example was his speech in New Hampshire. Was he drunk, using prescription drugs, street drugs, or a combination of the three? Having been a musician during the ’70s through throuth the ’90s, I could be considered an authority on intoxicating substances. Even I was mystified by his jovial disconnect with the real world. Elements of different buzzes were evident, and still something was missing from my analysis. Maybe there’s a new substance I’m as yet unfamiliar with — a drug exclusively available to politicians.

That would explain many of their traits: the short-term memory loss, the long-term memory loss, the inability to perform simple math, the aversion to eye contact during conversation, the narcissistic tendencies & the general disconnect with the real world.

And then he went on . . .

As if additional effort were required to cement his standing as “The Undisputed Master of Kamikazi Campaigning,” Rick opened his mouth at the latest Republican debate. (Folks have warned him about this in the past, but it happened once again.)

Regular boot pissing wasn’t thorough enough for him though, so this time he discharged his weapon while still in the holster, firing through his dry boot and right between his toes, which were luckily twitching.

Should’ve been simple enough, restating one of your major talking points: Three departments of government he wants to eliminate.

Seriously, Rick? The Departments of Education & Commerce? —Now that’s just stupid, but the third you’re unable to even remember, unable to locate this in your notes at the podium? It’s only three Rick. Think hard. It’ll come to ya.

Maybe not.

Oh, and the way he kept looking to Ron Paul for the answers as he stumbled and accepted prompts from all sides, unable to recall even the second point within mintues of his initial statement . . .

Priceless Perry

Now he claims it was the Department of Energy he wanted to eliminate, along with Commerce and Education. All I can say is WOW! If you’d remembered and stated all three with a straight face, it would’ve been bad enough, but when you forget your own crazy talking points. Even Bachmann remembers her own insanity. How does anyone dig a pit and then fall in the hole oneself?

His current “I forgot” excuse seems so presidential personally, I can’t wait to vote! Reminiscent of Nixon. Or the Great Forgetter, Ronald Reagan. At least he had real excuses like [ageist stereotypes deleted].

Ah Republican morality. Seems like the perfect opening for Newt. Of course, no one will recall his past behavior of dumping his wife while she was hospitalized for a woman he’d been having an affair with. Probably couldn’t even hit the bastard after he told her — she was too weak. If coherent, she may have even rejoiced. Who knows?

Republican… Morality… There’s a classic oxymoron. Fits the Republican Party members’ view of morality as it pertains to their own party members. Hey, but have an [intern perform an erotic service for] a Democratic president in the Oval Office and all hell breaks loose. Republicans couldn’t rest till that immoral [so-and-so] was impeached or resigned from office. Republican payback. They’re still looking to get even for Nixon.

Herman Cain fits this great republican duality. Since he’s Republican, none of the mounting allegations against him are taken seriously by his own party. I loved how initially he blamed the Perry campaign for press leaks (seems like a familiar Rovian political dirty trick to me), then the blame switched to the evil Democratic machine. OMFG!!! The weakest link in the entire Democratic Party is its non-existent political machine. Couldn’t organize its way out of a modern plastic grocery sack with 100 people! It would require extensive research, committees on feasibility as well as minority participation before any action could be considered.

And then he went on some more . . .

This is coming to you from someone who passes as a Liberal Democrat in Texas; I am ashamed to be linked to this ineffective bunch….

Personally I believe the Herman Cain sex scandal allegations are an attempt by the right to capture a share of the Democratic vote. There is a long-standing Democratic traditon of heterosexual sex scandals. We almost invented them. Unfortunately, Herman forgot that they don’t often enhance electability, normally ending with the political figure’s resignation or in some manner being forced from office.

And still Herman’s numbers remain unchanged. Undisputed front runner of his party. Difficult to fathom beyond the basic Republican premise that anyone is better than Obama. Who’d ever believe that their answer to an inexperienced Democratic African American politician would be an even MORE inexperienced Republican African American NON-politician. At this point, who would believe that either is an answer to America’s massive problems?

And then he stopped.

Or rather, I stopped him, because the concluding paragraph of his e-mail to me was nothing but a string of Texpletives that would have had to be deleted anyway.

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[charlabob]

And then there’s Herman Cain’s non answer to a question about Libya. Be sure to share uncle bill’s exposition on that :-)

Search for Cain + Libya to pick your favorite source.

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[365Stairs]

I yield the floor and the bulk of my remaining time to the esteemed representative of the great state of Texas…Cousin Bill. Sir..you have the floor.

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[JoB]

I love Cousin Bill

even if he did have this to say about democrats..

“The weakest link in the entire Democratic Party is its non-existent political machine. Couldn’t organize its way out of a modern plastic grocery sack with 100 people! It would require extensive research, committees on feasibility as well as minority participation before any action could be considered”

if only it wasn’t true :(

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