Home › Forums › Open Discussion › A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
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September 21, 2014 at 3:23 pm #612744
seaopgalParticipantI need a laugh! Give us the best jokes, anecdotes, puns, cartoons, snarks, one-liners, etc. that you heard today (or recently), whatever made you smile, smirk, teehee, lol, rofl, lyao. Mildly amusing also accepted.
I probably shouldn’t start with an insult, but here’s mine: Response to a particularly and repeatedly inane poster on Facebook: “omg, you would have trouble emptying a boot full of water if the instructions were printed on the sole.”
September 21, 2014 at 3:58 pm #813886
JoBParticipantif only i was as good at the joke thing as i am at snark… :(
where are metrognome or miws when we need them?
September 21, 2014 at 4:33 pm #813887
miwsParticipantThinking……thinking…….thinking……Oooooo LOOK! SHINY!……thinking…..thinking……thinking…
September 21, 2014 at 8:02 pm #813888
dobroParticipantIn the mid-1960s, there was a hippie named Benny in San Francisco.Benny was real hip, but he just couldn’t grow a beard like the rest of the flower child dudes in Haight-Ashbury. One day Benny met up with a Gypsy Lady who liked him enough to grant him a wish, so, naturally, Benny wished for a beard. Gypsy Lady granted the wish but warned Benny to ALWAYS wear the beard, never cut it off.
Well, the years went by, the flower children aged, Ronald Reagan became president, Benny went on to a career as a successful financial adviser.
Benny decided the beard no longer fit his image so, ignoring the Gypsy Lady`s warnings, he shaved it off.
**POOF** Benny disintegrated into a pile of ashes, the janitor swept him up and deposited him in a jar.
Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
September 21, 2014 at 8:49 pm #813889
JoBParticipantdobro.. you made me chuckle :)
September 22, 2014 at 2:15 pm #813890
seaopgalParticipantHa ha, dobro! Do you call this a shaggy dog story? I heard one once about Nate the Talking Snake and the Bonneville Speed Flats, but all I can remember is the punchline: Better Nate than lever.
Anyone else feeling funny?
September 22, 2014 at 8:25 pm #813891
oceanParticipantSeptember 22, 2014 at 8:44 pm #813892
wakefloodParticipantI know this is a little late, seaop but a few from Steven Wright:
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
September 22, 2014 at 9:44 pm #813893
DaveBParticipantSeptember 22, 2014 at 10:44 pm #813894
waynsterParticipantWhat do you call a cow that just had a calf…..?
…….Decaffeinated….lol
http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2014/09/18
the best for last lol…
September 23, 2014 at 5:40 am #813895
dobroParticipantI saw a man angrily and repeatedly shouting “A-E-I-O-U”!!!!! I thought at first he may have suffered from Tourette’s, but I then realized it was probably Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
September 23, 2014 at 6:39 am #813896
KevinParticipantOK, try this TRUE story on for size. It has to be the ultimate put down.
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Back in the 1970’s in Eugene Oregon there was this lawyer in town who thought he was hot stuff because he owned a Rolls Royce. It was an older Rolls, but still a Rolls.
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So one day he was driving a couple of friends back from lunch at the local Country Club.
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His two friends were wealthy timber owners who were worth MANY times more than the lawyer, and so the lawyer turned to his friend in the front seat and asked him if he had ever ridden in a Rolls Royce before?
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His front seat friend thought about the question for a moment and replied “YES, but never in the front seat before…”
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September 23, 2014 at 7:34 am #813897
celeste17ParticipantWhy can a guy lay on his side better than a female? Because he has a kickstand.
September 23, 2014 at 12:30 pm #813898
sboneParticipantIn the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was one problem… how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a “Monkey” with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate was made of iron, the balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys.” Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey”.
September 23, 2014 at 2:18 pm #813899
miwsParticipantKevin’s Post #12 reminded me of this oldie but goodie, (which I had to look up and C&P since I couldn’t remember it in detail):
The Pope Visits America
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he’d never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.”
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. “How do I handle this, chief?” asked the trooper. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”
“Is it the President?” asked the chief.
“No! Even more important!”
“Well, who the heck is it?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the trooper, “but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”
Mike
September 23, 2014 at 3:42 pm #813900
miwsParticipantIf Abbott & Costello were alive today…..
Set-Up: Abbott is reading the newspaper.
Abbott: The World Health Organization announced today….
Costello: WHO?
Abbott: The World Health Organization
Costello: WHO?
Abbott: The World Health Organization announced today….
Costello: WHO?
Abbott: The World Health Organization
Costello: WHO?…….
September 23, 2014 at 8:32 pm #813901
seaopgalParticipantYou all never cease to amuse me … thanks for the laughs!
September 24, 2014 at 12:43 pm #813902
sboneParticipantNew Element Discovered!!
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
September 24, 2014 at 5:52 pm #813903
JanSParticipant^^^^^^^ LOL
September 25, 2014 at 2:09 am #813904
waynsterParticipantok this rated r lol….
Whats better then being deep in the heart of Texas….
6 inches in Virginia…..lmao
September 25, 2014 at 2:12 am #813905
metrognomeParticipantnice to see someone has updated the Govermentium schtick since I saw it 20 years ago. However, they left out the corollary about what happens when the Publicus morons are introduced, esp. when they are fractured into liberali and conservati with their competing positive and negative charges. When the medii catalyst is added, there is no telling what will happen.
And, here’s an old Welsh folktale about handling stress:
In this life there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will be rich or poor.
If you are rich, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are poor, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will be healthy or sick.
If you are healthy, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you will live or you will die.
If you live, there is nothing to worry about.
If you die there are only two things to worry about.
You will either go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there will be nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with all your friends, you won’t have time to worry!
So why worry?
September 25, 2014 at 3:38 am #813906
seaopgalParticipantwaynster walks the line …
Love the Welsh folktale! Reminds me of their motto: “Things could always be worse!” :)
I haven’t slept the last two nights because we have relatives visiting (take my brother-in-law, please!), and have given them our bed. We are on the air bed, which has a slow leak. (Note to self: Do not leave disgruntled cats in room with blow-up mattress.) Last night I tried to amuse myself by coming up with a joke. This is the best I could do: If puns are the lowest form of humor, are bunions the lowest form of tumor?”
September 25, 2014 at 12:54 pm #813907
sboneParticipantA cowboy named Budd was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes , RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”
Budd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his smartphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Budd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Budd says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re an aide in the Obama Administration”, says Budd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than I you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep…
Now give me back my dog.”
September 25, 2014 at 2:12 pm #813908
miwsParticipantA a colony of beavers is awaiting Trial, on multiple charges, as the result of dozens of acres of privately owned farmland being destroyed by flooding. There is damming evidence against them.
Civil Suits from individual Farmers are also being filed.
One, is from a Cattle Farmer, (at least that’s what I heard).
Another Civil Suit, was immediately dropped, and the Farmer that filed the Suit has been arrested for filing a False Claim. He claimed his prize donkey died in the flood. Investigators determined that he had lost his ass in a poker game a week prior.
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A Fish School Bus Driver is out of a job, after taking a wrong tuna on his Route recently.
Mike
September 25, 2014 at 3:31 pm #813909
PibalParticipantHow many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb must really want to change.
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