Rant: Strangers parenting my children

[yes2ws]

From the post above..

“You have to find your wallet, keep the kids close by, bag your own freaking groceries, make small talk, address the kids’ whining as to why you aren’t going to be buying any gum/candy/cookies, and then apologize as usual to the people behind you for holding up the line”

Wouldn’t it be easier to have your wallet ready, teach the kids to stay by your side, and not allow the whining?

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[HMC Rich]

Good lord. Kids don’t get it until they do. Parenting is difficult work. People who don’t have children do not get it quite often.

Yes2ws, lets see, shall I tie up my kid, duct tape their mouth? All parents wish their kids would behave, but they are kids. They act up. I wish mine didn’t, and you expect me to cater to your wishes? Forget it.

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[PrittyKitty]

So you get my point. Running errands with small children is inconvenient, but someone has to keep milk in the fridge.

In that “scolding” veiled as a question written above, I’m taking the bait. Would it be easier to teach a toddler to stand by while forbidding the whining about cookies? Easier than what? Herding cats? Probably not. On some days there is really nothing easy about raising young children to be good members of society while also attempting a fairly simple transaction. It boggles this college educated woman’s mind at times just how difficult basic functions can be on certain days.

The magical children you speak of tend to not run in the 0-4 year old crowd, but I’ll keep my eye out. Not at the WS trader joes mind you as we have all agreed that the roving bands of troll babies looking to literally upset the apple carts have taken over, but I will indeed be looking for examples elsewhere.

Holler when you find them…and my wallet too, while you’re at it!

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[Queenie]

There’s not really enough information offered by the OP to really understand what exactly happened here, but this…

“Parents should not be made to feel guilty about taking their children to the grocery store. Sometimes the evening is the only hour or two a mother or father has free to shower, clean the house, perhaps even go for a walk. Suggesting parents only go to the grocery store during the weekends or daylight hours assume that every family has two caregivers (many don’t).”

This is an attitude that I hear a lot of parents espousing, and I think that the underlying logic of it is flawed. Parenting is difficult and nobody is disputing that. Really good parenting is exponentially more difficult. But if your children are being disruptive or annoying in a public place or preventing other people who are not related to your children from going about their lives unimpeded, you should probably feel bad. At least a little. That hot-cheeked flush of ‘Oh Good Grief’ embarrassment that your parents probably felt when you began screaming in the grocery store is a sign that they cared about the people around them and were sorry that innocent bystanders were being subjected to a ruckus.

And stuff like that happens to every parent, and hopefully everyone around you will understand and give you a rueful little smile that says ‘oh, its okay, I’ve been there’ as you promptly deal with the situation, but that’s them being empathetic and compassionate in kind and not something that anyone is *entitled* to. No matter what the situation is, or if its hard to shop on weekends or you really wanted to go for a walk or whatever the situation is.

Feel guilty. At least a little.

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[PrittyKitty]

It’s like this: I can yell at my kids, but you can’t. I can be horrified at their behavior, but you can’t tell me about it. If you do, then my embarrassment at their decision to make an ass out of me will quickly turn to rage at whomever dares to get between my cubs and I. And then I’ll go about scolding them the entire drive home.

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[PrittyKitty]

And that flush you speak of has nothing to do with care or concern for others around us. It’s strictly the flush of humiliation that your two foot angel has just check-mated you in Macy’s, and we know exactly what every person in the store save the other parents of young children are thinking: “Epic. Parental. Failure.”

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[Sonoma]

Am I living in an alternate universe? Because every time I visit Trader Joe’s – and this is at least once a week – I have no problem whatsoever with other people’s kids. Most of the children are cute and well-behaved. Some even wave at me from their perches on the carts. Sure, there are the occasional whiners and weepers (the kids, not the parents), but this thread is a lot of fuss about not very much. Talk about First World problems!

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[Escondido]

PotatoBug, lots of hugs your way. Totally understand and support you. I suspect that part of the dynamic is that so many households are kidless these days. Many are living with a partner or alone and we forget what childhood is about. There will always be judgmental grumps in public. I will end with this story: I was at the checkout line at the old Admiral Thriftway with my newborn wrapped to my chest and my two and a half year old next to me. It was time to write the check (yes, before debit cards!) and before I even had pen to paper, my son had walked over to the ice freezer, opened the door, climbed inside and was waving and smiling at all of us behind the clear glass door! Just steps away! Good grief… we were all in stitches! An older customer stepped up immediately to retrieve my son all the while laughing along with him. A good time was had by all, along with a wonderful memory.

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[velo_nut]

I think y’all are too damn uptight.

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[PotatoBug]

The frustration of having a stranger (yes, a stranger!) scold my child was lost on many of you who want to judge my reaction based on what my children were doing. For those of you who are hung up on what they were doing, they were talking quietly about the “monster” underneath the cash register. There are air vents for the computer, and one day they wanted to know what was in there. I told them a monster lived under there. Maybe the guy thought they might shove their hand in and molest the computer, don’t know because he didn’t address me!

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[happywalker]

Ditto Velo it’s NOT that serious… in the grand scheme of things

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[JustSarah]

The key to me would be whether what a child is doing poses an imminent and probable danger, or just could potentially become dangerous. If the second, I absolutely agree that a person should address the parent if the issue is truly a concern. If the first, I can understand addressing the child directly. For example, a child is dragging his hand on the floor of a crowded aisle while riding in the bottom of the cart* and parent is browsing the brown rice? Offer a quick heads up to the parent that his toddler may get a hand stepped on. Kid is playing at the edge of a busy parking lot while mom returns her grocery cart 20 feet away? I think it’s reasonable to tell the kid that what she’s doing is dangerous.

I am a parent and see both sides of what people here are saying, for the most part.

*Do kids still do that? It was always my favorite place to be when grocery shopping with mom.

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[todd_]

Hugs PotatoBug.

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[amalia]

I’m in the “who cares” camp on all sides, but I did once point out to a mother that her toddler was munching from the bottom line of bulk food bins with his nasty, drippy, sticky hands (I didn’t specify the condition of his hands, however), and she said, “oh, I try to get mad at him but he’s just SO CUTE!”

.

Not to me, lady.

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[elikapeka]

Overall, I’m in the “don’t care” camp myself. But it does bring up some observations on cultural and generational differences.

I’m old enough to remember when it was perfectly acceptable for adults to correct other children in the neighborhood. We had neighborhood schools, everybody knew everybody, and if a kid got out of line and another adult corrected us, we didn’t question it. And nobody’s parents got mad at another adult for doing so. The lines on what was acceptable behavior were pretty clear. So this gentleman most likely was from that generation.

I also have to say that while I try to appreciate the difficulties of shopping and being out with little ones, overall I find children much less well-behaved and parents much more tolerant of bad behavior than would have been acceptable even a few years ago.

Now you kids get off my lawn. :-)

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[I Wonder]

Totally agree elik. I’m about to throw a hug out to the old man instead for all the abuse taken just for pointing out safety to small children. He got reprimanded in public, now a blog flogging? What next, milk and cookies?

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[EdSane]

Honestly, its that kind of reaction here (from some of the supportive parents) why I would rather yell at a kid (or give them a mean stare) then communicate with a parent whose knee-jerk response maybe to get overly defensive, rather then address the situation at hand.

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[pugperson]

I’m with you, elik. Feel sorry for teachers nowadays. Try to give some constructive (and maybe negative) feedback to some parents and watch out!! Since when is it wrong for public misbehavior to be off limits?

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[SomeGuy]

Elikapeka nailed it perfectly, and I agree 100%. I’ve yelled at kids other than mine and I certainly don’t mind if other adults correct my hooligans when they are acting the fool. It takes a village!

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[Bonnie]

I thought of this post today as I was walking down near Pioneer Square today with my 9 year old daughter and her friend. They were singing and dancing down the street and acting so crazy that one of them tripped and fell. I thought ‘Hmmm… now these are some out of control children!’

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[Momofboys]

As the mother of 2 rambunctious boys (ages 5 & 8) this post makes me SO mad!!! I am SO very tired of people giving advice, their opinion, parenting my children, etc. I am ALWAYS watching them, correcting them, etc. It is VERY hard to wait in line at the grocery store with them… but most of the time I don’t have a choice and quite honestly after a full day of being with the kids, I don’t have the energy to shop in the evening, I am passing out by 8:30pm. I can be doing my job, correcting them, disciplining them and someone will say something anyhow. OR the opposite- they will say something about my “harsh” tone with them. I can give them a “hand held” game during dinner out and someone will comment on how they shouldn’t be doing that either (they have no idea what they have been doing the rest of the day which is playing outside, and that is their only screen time). My point is.. that it really doesn’t matter whether as a parent you are doing the right thing or not. If you are guiding them, correcting them, etc. SOME grumpy person is going to give you their 2 cents about what you are doing and how you are doing it. How about a little perspective? What if that mom is in the throes of postpartum depression and she is barely hanging on and getting through the grocery store is about all she can handle? What if she is having martial problems (surviving marriage when the kiddos are small can be a challenge). What if they are going through a personal challenge, job loss? What if their child is on the Autism spectrum like mine and they really can’t help the behavior?? (I have these cool business cards that educate others on Autism, when they say something to me, I don’t say a word, just hand them the card). There are so many reasons… why a child could be acting up. How about cutting the parent a little slack? How about giving them a big smile and saying “hang in there mom it will get easier, and then harder again”. How about just keeping your opinions to yourself? You don’t know their journey, their story, … have compassion, please. I do remember being single and thinking when I am a parent my children will NEVER act that way. Well that is famous last words… if you are not a parent yet and you have those thoughts… trust me you will have a little terror on your hands when you become a parent, I have seen too many times.. those that judge end up having kiddos that have even worse behavior . I do believe there is a time when someone should say something and that is if the child is in danger….but other than that… no thank you! Off my soap box- compassion people.

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[I Wonder]

How about just turning the other cheek and saying thank you for your interest in my childs safety, and leave it at that? Be thankful someone actually showed an interest. Maybe that person had all the points you made and was on the edge too? It goes both ways. People need a little thicker skin in Seattle.

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[JoB]

the truth is that for a good part of their childhood.. i was a single mom .. who was grateful that when i got worn out and distracted every other adult around me could and would step in to correct my child’s behavior.

did our kids turn out to be better people because misbehavior was more difficult to get away with?

I don’t know. But i do know that for the most part kids were much behaved in public

and even single parents felt they weren’t quite so alone.

i think today’s attitudes put far more pressure on parents than our generation felt.

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[Ms. Sparkles]

Amen “I Wonder” – Seattle does need a thicker skin and better ability to laugh at ourselves.

PotatoBug (((hugs))).

A little off-topic, but several posts mention the inner circle of Hell that getting children through the check out line is – I totally agree and think we should all fight stores’ manipulative marketing / product placement with feral children crashing through their displays and annoying the childless customers into taking their business elsewhere; maybe then the stores will stop setting us up to fail in their quest for the profits from that one last impulse buy ;-)

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[Diane]

“How about just turning the other cheek and saying thank you for your interest in my childs safety, and leave it at that? Be thankful someone actually showed an interest”

~

thank you ‘I Wonder’; my point exactly

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