Home › Forums › West Seattle Rants & Raves › Rant: Strangers parenting my children
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June 21, 2013 at 1:21 am #792106
PrittyKittyMemberWell as a parent who is beginning to see the light of this whole thicker skin/embrace the care and concern/be thankful for your village/ turn the other cheek mentality, I shall feel a little freer to give some helpful advice to the obese in line at McDonald’s, to the men who wear socks and sandals especially in the off season, to the elderly who I think should turn in their drivers’ licenses and to anyone, really, who I think might just need a taste of my sensibilities. After all, if small children aren’t off limits then who is?
And to the empty nesters who wax poetic about “in their day”, please. My dad does the same thing. You’d think he raised a bevy of angels to hear him tell it yet I have plenty of memories that would beg differ. I recall crying hysterically at an Artic Circle because my burger had special sauce on it. In my opinion you are all forgetting.
I think public scoldings by strangers probably went by the wayside about the time teachers hitting kids became a no-no.
June 21, 2013 at 2:44 am #792107
MomofboysMember“word” Prittykitty!!
June 21, 2013 at 3:03 am #792108
brewParticipantNothing wrong with a child being directly admonished by a stranger. It teaches the child that their behavior can, and does, affect others and that what others think may indeed matter. Unfortunately, a lot of kids are being raised by passive and ego sensitive parents that are more concerned with their image as a parent than actually being a parent. Who will leave a bigger impression on a child, mommy constantly saying “Honey, please stop that” or a stranger directly telling the child to stop it? Not the parent…
June 21, 2013 at 3:11 am #792109
SmittyParticipant“I think public scoldings by strangers probably went by the wayside about the time teachers hitting kids became a no-no.”
You must draw the line somewhere? Batting rocks near your neighbors cars? Shooting bb guns near traffic? Pushing every button on an elevator?
Your line might differ from mine. I would HOPE you would scold any kid – parent around or not – if they were doing any of the above, and not dismiss scoldings altogether as old school (I’m 46).
June 21, 2013 at 3:52 am #792110
DelridgeResidentMemberI work with kids and my auto-pilot response is to address the child, especially if I am concerned about their safety or someone else’s.
If its not immediate concern then I would obviously speak to the parent, or normally ignore it, move away, etc. But sometimes you aren’t thinking about it, just reacting.
June 21, 2013 at 4:33 am #792111
desertdwellerParticipantIt’s comment threads like this one that make me so trepidatious about going out in public in West Seattle.
I’m trying to be a good parent and make sure that my 10 month old doesn’t babble too loudly at Thriftway (I got some *great* looks last week when she started yelling bah-bah-bah in the produce aisle). I’m trying to make sure that she always has the appropriate headwear on (I was scolded by a complete stranger that she didn’t have a hat on last autumn when I had forgotten it in the car). And I’m valiantly trying never to go in public when I think she might cry, need to eat (let’s not get the breastfeeding rant going again), or upset anyone at a restaurant.
Seriously people. Give everyone a break. The scolders the scold-ees…we all need to be a little calmer and cut everyone just a bit more slack before we jump down each other’s throats.
June 21, 2013 at 5:04 am #792112
JoBParticipantaren’t we losing perspective here?
the OP publicly scolded an older man for correcting her children in Trader Joes
if her children’s behavior hadn’t concerned him, it is likely he would have muttered under his breath and kept his mouth shut..
yet anyone who points that out is a scolder?
or simply too weak minded to remember?
i wonder if that is really what you want to teach your children?
June 21, 2013 at 5:39 am #792113
QueenieParticipantI’m going to call out MomofBoys as being exactly what I was talking about. Mom, your whole self-described ‘angry’ post is a litany of ‘How dare people not consider that maybe this, or maybe that’ or a whole list of extenuating circumstances that might somehow mitigate the fact that your children are being disruptive and unpleasant in public. Yes, maybe any or all of those things, and yes, it would be lovely if people would be understanding and sympathetic. But…
Nobody owes you compassion or understanding.
You are not entitled to it. Compassion and understanding is a kind gift, and we should all be grateful when it’s offered to us. Especially since, difficult as they certainly would be, none of the things you mention are anyone else’s responsibility. By expecting compassion and understanding, by demanding it as you are and painting it as simply your due, you’re taking it for granted and utterly missing the point, not to mention setting a terrible example about being considerate of other people’s feelings and comfort. Something that, as others have point out, increasingly seems to be lacking in interactions between strangers in public.
June 21, 2013 at 5:41 am #792114
JanSParticipantdo all of you critiquing the OP even have children? If so, were/are they perfect angels at all times? I’m just curious….also curious if , when you were a kid, you never behaved badly in public? (ask your mom)
June 21, 2013 at 5:51 am #792115
lilithMemberAs a fellow parent, I do correct other people’s children, though I generally reserve my corrections for health and safety and just give children whose parents are already correcting them a raised eyebrow. I also expect other people to correct my own children. My job is to love them unconditionally while, at the same time, teaching them that no one else will find them as charming as I do. Strangers (and not so strangers) are an important part of this lesson.
I’ve had strangers correct my kids when I didn’t see them doing things they shouldn’t be, and appreciated it very much. It’s hard to see everything, particularly when you have more than one and you’re trying to pay for your groceries.
I’ve also had strangers ‘correct’ my kids when they weren’t doing anything wrong. Once an older man at the King Tut exhibit told my 7 yo that taking pictures wasn’t allowed, and by doing so she was slowing everyone down. I corrected him and stated that only flash photography was prohibited, and it is indeed difficult to go through the exhibit but there are a lot of people and we all have to wait for our turn. Was I mad? Of course. I hate confronting strangers as much as everyone else. But I didn’t lash out or berate him–just told him calmly that he was mistaken. Whatever.
People have different values around kids behaviors, and as a parent you need to know what yours are so you can define them and defend them. If you think licking a public restroom wall builds your kids immune system, then feel free to offer that rebuttal if I tell them that’s not a good idea. But don’t think that I’m telling your child that because I think you’re a crappy parent or judging your inability to go to the bathroom while holding a baby and watching a toddler. I’m just saying it because if it were my kid, I hope someone else would.
All that being said, if it was the short, balding man with glasses that I see around West Seattle, I will totally agree that he was out of line. That guy is a major glass bowl and I’ve had a couple run-ins with him (and seen him berate people at various stores around the area). My strategy with him is now ignore until it’s not possible, and then tell him directly to not speak to me or my children. Which works pretty well on all manner of people who are out of line.
June 21, 2013 at 6:02 am #792116
brittlestarMemberIf the child is old enough to understand what you’re saying, directly addressing the child is more polite. Some people talk about children over their heads as if they weren’t there. You probably wouldn’t usually do that to other adults because it’s rude. Children are people, too, and deserve some respect.
Some people who use wheelchairs can tell you what talking over your head as if you weren’t there feels like, because it happens to them, too.
June 21, 2013 at 6:04 am #792117
singularnameParticipantMomofboys, particularly … Since you “own all that,” how ’bout you also owning all costs of paying for public schools? How ’bout it? Sheesh …
Following Jan in the thread here … I have a kid, 19 now. I took that whole people commenting on my kid thing in stride–thanked and/or apologized if I thought they were right, dirty look if I thought they were wrong, more tolerance toward the elders, yada yada. I do the “super nice” voice occasionally to someone else’s kid if they’re impeding my “progress” unduly. Not too long ago, I grabbed a girl by the arm who was going down in Safeway–just smiled at the mom and said something like, “Wasn’t sure …,” and the mom was okay with it on the surface. Now that I’m thinking about it, seems like I am confronted by kids several times a day. Lord forbid I interact in public with any of those belonging to these Alpha Parents. If I had to deal with that kind of reaction, I’d unfortunately be humiliating them in front of their child.
June 21, 2013 at 6:04 am #792118
EdSaneParticipant@JanS, all the time. However, my mother would have taken the word of a stranger over my own rotten mouth about the misdeeds I may or may not have done. Kids are kids. Adults should set the example and when needed act as authority figures, especially when the parent fails to act.
June 21, 2013 at 6:48 am #792119
MomofboysMemberQueenie your comment of “none of the things you mention are anyone else’s responsibility” …. is ironic, because last time I checked, my children are MY responsibility and not a stranger at Trader Joes. If I understand correctly the children were talking about monsters under the cash register and no one was getting pushed or shoved or no one was yelling. I am very much the parent that will correct another child on the playground if they are doing something where they will get hurt, if they are cursing or if they are bullying my children or other children (I also don’t have issue with others correcting my children). I have no problem with correcting other people’s children when they are out of line or in harms way IF and only IF the parent is not right there handling the situation themselves. My point is when you see a parent doing the best they can to keep their children’s behavior in check and yet they still have to get out of the check out line, cut them some slack. Also keep your opinions to yourself when it comes to the small stuff. As mentioned above.. “that child should not be out without a hat” some lady yelled at me yesterday because my 5 year old chased a bird on the beach, I mean “come on”. I watched a lady at Alki last year scold some moms because their children were being too loud at the beach.. I am teaching my children to respect other people… I run a “tight” ship. I constantly remind my boys to be considerate of others, to be quiet in restaurants, to not put their feet up on the chair in front of them. But they are boys and they are 5 & 8 and they will be boys at times and sometimes no matter what happens- they are going to be loud. I have left many stores / venues when they have gotten out of line. I don’t have issue with someone turning around and asking my child to stop kicking the seat or asking them to keep their voices down.. What I take issue with is the unsolicited advice on silly stuff. I have also had numerous people approach us in public and talk about how well behaved they are… I don’t believe that anyone “owes” me compassion… I am just asking others to show compassion. I see so many moms out there- who are struggling and the judgement from people in public can just be too much. Asking for compassion for others is quite different than demanding it for myself. Finally
– singularname… what is “”own all that,” how ’bout you also owning all costs of paying for public schools? How ’bout it? Sheesh …”
what do I own exactly?
June 21, 2013 at 7:27 am #792120
singularnameParticipantIf the parenting is all your responsibility–society be damned–then pay for your kids’ education, too, and the playgrounds and any other public resources you suck up for your kids. You can’t–in fact, you won’t–get it both ways, ‘less you move to an atoll. It’s your vitriol that’s more offensive than anything your kids might do.
June 21, 2013 at 7:35 am #792121
PrittyKittyMemberMomofboys (I have 2 also!), there is no point in trying to convince these people how inconsiderate it is to parent another parent. I mean getting chastised about not being owed compassion? What the hell? And these are the same people doling out advice about how we parents need to raise caring and conSiderate citizens of society? Excluding truly dangerous activities or crimes children may be committing there is little reason to interfere with others’ children with the intent to discipline. I’ll never snap at someone for pointing out my baby is about to lose a shoe or if my older son has hurt himself, and I don’t think the OP would either. It’s just everything else in between I can do without. I was a former preschool teacher for years before I had kids And i didn’t understand this. I would dole out “advice” left and right. I was the first person to scoff at naughty little children and exclaim that MY children would never. And then I had two beautiful, funny yet challenging children of my own. I have since told everyone who knows me that if I could personally call and apologize to every parent that I ever admonished I would. I’ve called my own mother on my worst days and said I don’t know how she did it with 3 kids and thanked her for being so patient. And to whoever responded with the comment that kids need to hear it from strangers about how their actions are impacting others so that way they’ll learn, I can only shake my head. It’s NOT YOUR PLACE to decide what lessons to teach my kids and when to do it. That’s the point. My impact as the parent outweighs yours as a stranger 1000 times over. Zip it.
June 21, 2013 at 7:47 am #792122
PrittyKittyMemberOh lord. So because tax dollars pay for parks and schools it makes my kids fair game for society at large? Do I get to scold all bad drivers because my taxes pay for their roads? Shall I ask the homeless people who ride the bus to please take a shower and get a job because my taxes fund their ride? No wait! I know! I should tap on the shoulder of the library patrons reading certain books I’ve decided are a waste of time and demand they read better books because after all, it is my money that funded their library. I don’t like dogs and don’t own any myself, but I should probably get away with scolding pet owners if a dog sniffs in my direction or shares my sidewalk? I did pay taxes that funded their dog park that I don’t even use. You see how silly that comment gets? Nope, paying taxes still doesn’t let you be the parent police.
June 21, 2013 at 9:19 am #792123
WSN_HelenMemberAw, next time you run into him make sure you take a photo where he has the opportunity to flip you off. I’d like to get a mug shot wall of fame started with cantankerous members of the West Seattle No-Fun League.
June 21, 2013 at 10:00 am #792124
singularnameParticipantYeah, Pritty, by your logic and that of the OP, it does. Y’all threw down the gauntlet, and a pithy one at that.
June 21, 2013 at 6:59 pm #792125
andreaParticipantThis is the most entertaining forum post I have read in a long time! And I want PrittyKitty to be my new BFF. MomofBoys too. You guys rock. From another mom of toddler boys…
June 21, 2013 at 7:22 pm #792126
F16CrewChiefMemberThis thread is bizarre! As a father of three, I can tell you right now, I do everything I can to teach my kids to be polite to everyone, behave in public, and respect others. For the most part, I have had one complaint come from a stanger about my kids and I about knocked that guy out. My son who was 12 at the time was standing on a little rock outside Spuds by the outdoor tables. My son was just standing on this little rock that was no bigger than a football talking to my nephew. The rest of our party was on the sidewalk chit-chatting. When this guy and his friends come out of Spuds and approached my son and began scolding him about standing on the rock. My son looked terrified and stepped off the rock staring at me as this guy really started laying into my son. I approached the man and asked him what the problem was and he tried telling me my son was disrespecting Spuds property. I got in the guys face a screamed, “It’s a f*$kin’ ROCK!”. The man backed away and I told him if he has a problem with my son, he needs to bring his issues to me. I know many of you here will probably not approve of my actions, but when I know my children have better manners than majority of adults and you want to lecture them and scream at them for standing on a rock, you and I got problems. Thats just me.
And because we are a community, if you have an issue with someones child, you should still address the parent, not the child. Some of you people can be scary looking:-)
June 21, 2013 at 7:25 pm #792127
wsmama3ParticipantMost people forget or have never experienced how horrible kids, even “good” kids can be sometimes.
So if you run into me at the store with my 7, 5, 2 and pregnant belly I can tell I that I will tell you to mind your own business unless I totally missed something that was putting my kids or someone else in danger.
I don’t need compassion. I did this to myself. On purpose.
I’ve seen kids being total crazy monkeys and at my house that behavior would not fly – but all in all most of us are doing the best we can.
I’ve left countless businesses in order to be a “good parent” but sometimes I need bread and I have to go to the store with everyone in tow – you know – so I can feed them lunch and you are gonna have to deal with the 2-year-old screaming “YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE!!!!” cause he knows I didn’t bring duct tape in with me (kidding – obviously).
So fair warning – you talk to my kids and I disagree with you I’m gonna tell you and I expect that you model appropriate behavior when I tell you “thanks, but I’ve got this” unless you saved them from being hit by a car in which case I am gonna say “thanks for the extra hand. I needed it” which just in case the parenting police thinks I need a visit from CPS has not happened yet.
I’d rather my kids see me struggle and graciously accept support when it’s offered than think being a nosy, rude, curmudgeon is acceptable behavior.
And when this baby comes (not to hijack the post) I’ll be nursing her. In stores. As I parent the other 3. And if you don’t like it (the nursing or my parenting) – don’t look.
June 21, 2013 at 7:31 pm #792128
F16CrewChiefMemberwsmama3 – I will help you carry your bags if we cross paths. You got my support, not just from a community member, but as a gentlemen in general. My kids see me offer meaningful help to those who need it, my kids will grow to do the same. No lecturing from me.
June 21, 2013 at 7:32 pm #792129
JiggersMemberThank gawd I don’t have kids!!
June 21, 2013 at 7:37 pm #792130
wsmama3ParticipantF16CrewChief – thank you sir. Much appreciated. I think that is a great lesson to share with kids and my boys would hear “that stranger helped us and was kind just because he could be! That was so wonderful” :)
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