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September 23, 2008 at 10:00 pm #639558
IrukandjiParticipantWhat’s the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
Well, the oysterman has fits while he shucks…
September 23, 2008 at 10:19 pm #639559
JanSParticipantirukandji, that is just soooo bad – lololol….
September 23, 2008 at 10:46 pm #639560
ZenguyParticipantSeptember 23, 2008 at 11:06 pm #639561
ZenguyParticipantWarning…here are ten puns…some great, some not. You have been warned.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ….. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…..A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
September 24, 2008 at 12:39 am #639562
JanSParticipantZenguy…shaking my head..hehehehe
September 24, 2008 at 1:11 am #639563
IrukandjiParticipantMan goes to see his doctor. “Doc, I have a problem,” he says.
“Tell me about it,” says the doctor while paying careful attention to his patient.
“Sometimes I think I’m a wigwam, and sometimes I think I’m a teepee.”
“Hmm,” replies the physician. “The diagnosis is obvious. Your just two tents.”
September 24, 2008 at 1:11 am #639564
angelescrestParticipantSeptember 24, 2008 at 8:24 pm #639565
ZenguyParticipantSeptember 24, 2008 at 9:10 pm #639566
inactiveMemberbump
I’m with ya’ zenguy.
I’m still sending and replaying GHO’s printer kitty video. So funny.
More please. Really.
September 24, 2008 at 9:14 pm #639567
ZenguyParticipantTwo 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor:
when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb — it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
September 24, 2008 at 9:17 pm #639568
ZenguyParticipantA man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their
seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and
asked, ‘Are all of those kids yours?’
He replied, ‘No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.’
September 24, 2008 at 9:18 pm #639569
ZenguyParticipantThis is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
September 24, 2008 at 9:51 pm #639570
JenVMemberTwo lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.
“Boy, I’d like to screw her,” says one lawyer.
“I agree,” says the other.
“But out of what?”
September 24, 2008 at 10:03 pm #639571
AnonymousInactiveZenguy, you told the Rose and Barb joke last week. Have you been drinking those martinis? Share.
September 24, 2008 at 10:27 pm #639572
ZenguyParticipantI could not remember what I posted and was just trying to avoid another thread…sorry
September 24, 2008 at 10:48 pm #639573
guidosmomMemberThese are so funny, thanks for making me laugh today. This is long, but someone sent this to me a while back and I enjoyed it.
Kids’ Ideas About Love
Kids, aged 5 to 10, were asked questions about what they thought of love and marriage. Here’s what they said.
Love and Marriage:
* “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” — Glenn, age 7
* “Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” — John, age 9
* “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” — Manuel, age 8
* “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” — Mae, age 9
* “Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.” — Greg, age 8
* “Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” — Tom, age 5
* “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” — Mike, 10
* “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when Dinosaurs is on television.” — Jill, age 6
* “One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.” — Andrew, age 6
* “My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” — Carolyn, age 8
* “It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” — Kenny, age 7
* “One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” — Ava, age 8
* “When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'” — Anita, 9
* “I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” — Regina, age 10
* “A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.” — Marlon, age 10
* “[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” — Kirsten, age 10
* “Love is foolish…but I still might try it sometime.” — Floyd, age 9
* “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” — Dave, age 8
Kissing:
* “When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don’t get up for at least an hour.” — Wendy, age 8
* “You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” — Doug, age 7
* “If it’s your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it’s a new person, you have to ask permission.” — Roger, age 6
* “It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it.” — Tammy, age 10
* “I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.” — Gina, age 8
* “The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.” — Curt, age 7
* “The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It’s the right thing to do.” — Howard, age 8
Beauty:
* “Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” — Christine, age 9
* “It isn’t always how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything, and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” — Brian, age 7
How People In Love Act:
* “Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” — Brad, age 8
* “They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.” — Arnold, age 10
* “Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.” — Sarah, age 9
* “It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are — on fire.” — Christine, age 9
* “See if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” — John, age 9
* “Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” — Craig, age 9
What Mom and Dad Have In Common:
* “Both don’t want no more kids.” — Lori, age 8
How To Tell If Two People Are Married:
* “Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” — Eddie, age 6
* “You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” — Derrick, age 8
Deciding Who To Marry:
* “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” — Allan, age 10
* “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.” — Kirsten, age 10
Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:
* “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” — Del, age 6
* “Shake your hips and hope for the best.” — Camille, age 9
* “Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs…and don’t worry if their parents are right there.” — Manuel, age 8
* “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” — Bart, age 9
The Best Age To Get Married:
* “Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then.” — Cam, age 10
* “No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!” — Freddie, age 6
Good Advice About Love:
* “Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” — Dick, age 7
* “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” — Lynnette, age 8
* “Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!” — Ricky, age 7
* “Don’t forget your wife’s name. That will mess up the love.” — Erin, age 8
* “Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” — Erin, age 8
* “Don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch.” — Natalie, age 9
What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:
* “I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” — Craig, age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say “I Love You”:
* “The person is thinking: ‘Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'” — Michelle, age 9
* “Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat.” — Dick, age 7
Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:
* “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” — Gavin, age 8
* “They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.” — John, age 9
Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:
* “‘I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'” — Eddie, age 6
* “‘You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'” — Larry, age 8
* “‘I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don’t Bother Me When I’m With My Friends.'” — Bob, age 9
* “‘How Do I Love Thee When You’re Always Picking Your Nose?'” — Arnold, age 10
* “‘Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'” — Sharon, age 9
* “‘Hey, Baby, I Don’t Like Girls, But I’m Willing To Forget You Are One!'” — Will, age 7
September 24, 2008 at 10:52 pm #639574
AnonymousInactiveguidosmom – Thanks for sharing all those! I haven’t read them all, yet, but I think the things children say are among the funniest.
My daughter keeps me laughing constantly, without even trying to!
One of my favorites from her (although, I think it’s probably a common misspeak of a lot of kids):
Mommy, I want to be a vegetarian so that I can help animals.
Which, if you think about, would help them!
September 24, 2008 at 10:59 pm #639575
JanSParticipantguidosmom…actually, it’s kind of interesting that some (most) of those things said by kids can be about adults , too…hmmm…
remember Art Linkletter and “Kids Say the Darndest things.”? I know, that ages me…
September 24, 2008 at 11:07 pm #639576
CaitParticipantKids are so freaking hilarious!!! The kid I nannied for I swear to god used to make me laugh harder than anyone. He’s the best People Magazine Reading partner ever!
September 24, 2008 at 11:08 pm #639577
guidosmomMemberNewResident/JanS – I agree, I love hearing funny things kids say. That is so cute what your daughter said, NR. :)
A few weeks ago, one of my friend’s sons (I think he is 3 or 4) asked her if she was going to make pop corn and watch chicken flicks when he went to bed.
September 24, 2008 at 11:13 pm #639578
CaitParticipantBTW – as for the Sarah Palin name generator? Evidently I am Hose Hotrod Palin. …hawt.
September 24, 2008 at 11:20 pm #639579
AnonymousInactiveguidosmom – I LOVE it!
The “chicken” flicks comment reminds me of when my friends and I were less mature (if you will) and we would crank call airline reservation centers and complain about having to eat chicken one hour before departure. (you know, check-in one hour before??)
A little lame, I’ll admit, but it sure entertained us!
September 24, 2008 at 11:22 pm #639580
ZenguyParticipantahhh, prank calls…a lost art
September 24, 2008 at 11:22 pm #639581
JenVMemberwe used to call the bowling alley and ask if they had 8 pound balls…and if so- how could they walk?
September 24, 2008 at 11:24 pm #639582
ZenguyParticipantI knew there was a reason I like you Jen
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