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September 24, 2008 at 11:24 pm #639583
AnonymousInactiveAnd who can forget the, “Is your refrigerator running…..”?
September 24, 2008 at 11:26 pm #639584
guidosmomMemberLOL! I love the check-in and the bowling alley. Do kids still make prank calls? We used to always do the “is there a Jon in the house?”
September 24, 2008 at 11:32 pm #639585
AnonymousInactiveI’m not sure if kids still do. I know that at 8, my daughter doesn’t….YET.
Kids these days probably have much more entertaining things. I swear, I got my daughter something recently and thought, “Why didn’t I have this growing up?”.
Does anyone remember the old thought that, if you blew a whistle into the phone, it would cause so much damage to the caller, they would not call back?
I have to say, from experience, it does NOT work and is actually the funniest memory I have of the old prank calling days (hearing that whistle being blown in my ear!:))
September 25, 2008 at 12:37 am #639586
CaitParticipantCan one even prank call anymore with caller id and all that junk? What kind of world are we living in if you can’t call Seymour Butts?!
September 25, 2008 at 1:07 am #639587
miwsParticipantI’ve thought it’s a bit interesting that prank calls could only be made during the time period of a few decades.
In Mayberry, Opie would not have been able to make a prank call to Goober, or vice versa, because they had to go through Sarah the operator. (Unless they paid her off!) ;)
Of course, there was a time for every community when they had to go through the operater, even for local calls.
And as Cait mentioned, with caller ID, and *69 or whichever is the callback, prank calls can’t be done anymore.
Mike
September 25, 2008 at 4:51 pm #639588
guidosmomMemberI thought of another “funny thing kids say” this AM…
When my brother was about 7, my mom sent him into the little corner store to grab her a diet coke. She gave him money and said he could buy a treat with the change. He came back with a ton of candy. My mom said “I can’t believe you bought all that crap!” My brother looked horrified and said “Mom! I can’t believe you said that!” My mom said “said what?” My brother said “The C word.” My mom said “what do you think it means?” My brother said “you know, like crap you, crap off.” lol.
October 7, 2008 at 2:30 pm #639589
WSMomParticipantMy sister sent me this joke to brighten (I think) my morning. Having just attended my husbands 30 year high school reunion, I could relate!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, ‘SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD’? WELL.. YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE……
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME THAT HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS ALMOST 40 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
‘YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
‘WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE? ‘ I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?’
‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD,
BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, ‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH?’
October 7, 2008 at 4:02 pm #639590
ZenguyParticipantCredit to JanS for this little gem.
A teacher
asks her class, “If
there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be
left?” She calls on
little Mark.
He replies, “None, they will all fly away
with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but
I like your thinking.”
Then little Mark says, “I have a
question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop
of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which
one is married?”
The teacher,
blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the
top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Mark replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the
wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”
October 7, 2008 at 4:36 pm #639591
JanSParticipanthehehehehe
October 8, 2008 at 4:07 pm #639592
ZenguyParticipantI work with some twisted peeps…this is from one of them.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
“The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
“Whoa!” the second kid replies. “Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
October 8, 2008 at 4:08 pm #639593
ZenguyParticipantThis too.
While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer and said, “The curlers are on me.”
October 8, 2008 at 5:27 pm #639594
ZenguyParticipantTwo blonds in Texas are enjoying a starry night and one says to the other “which do you suppose is further, the moon or Florida?” and the other says well duh, I can SEE the Moon!”
October 8, 2008 at 6:34 pm #639595
JenVMemberA senile old fart named McCain
Has a flap-jaw mouth to restrain.
What pops in his head
Is immediately said
Whether inane, germain or profane.
Born with a curse was John McCain
For he was born with a tongue profane.
Senators pale and ladies swoon
When this filthy-mouthed old loon
Spews language he cannot restrain.
John McCain is known for being blunt
A 71-year-old righteous, balding runt.
When wife Cindy makes an innocent joke,
Three blood vessels in his neck get broke,
And he snaps, “Hey you silly little c***!”
October 8, 2008 at 8:52 pm #639596
JanSParticipantso…this blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar. Almost immediately he picks up his dog by the leash and starts to fling him over his head in a circle.
The bartender looks at him and says “Whoa, there, mister, what the hell are you doing?”
The blind man replies “Oh, I’m just looking around.”
October 8, 2008 at 9:10 pm #639597
flowerpetalMemberI’d like to add to the “kids say the funniest things” thread.
Back before the earth cooled I taught Head Start and at that time kids still said a prayer before meals at school. We used (and I learned too) the simple “God is great. God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. Amen” Easy enough for kids to get, right?
Not always. Two kids come to mind who’s parents were appreciative of the practice but thought their kids needed a bit more instruction.
There was the little girl who must have believed in the “God is in everything” concept. Her blessing spoken at the dinner table? “God is a grape, and the food is good. Amen!”
Then there was the little guy who… well I don’t know quite what he was thinking. He instructed his family and grandparents to fold their hands and bow their heads before Sunday dinner because he was going to say the blessing. And so he began.
“God is great. God is good. Let us spank him for our food. Amen.”
I decided afterwards that the teaching of prayers was probably one of those things better left to families and Sunday School teachers.
October 8, 2008 at 9:16 pm #639598
JohnMMemberCan’t even enjoy a joke thread without some McCain bashing. Sheesh.
October 8, 2008 at 9:27 pm #639599
JenVMemberif you’ll take note, this started out with a Republican bashing joke, courtesy of yours truly. Don’t like it? Throw in some Democrat bashing jokes. It’s all good.
October 9, 2008 at 3:34 pm #639600
JenVMemberA farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ””I”m Eddie, I”m here to pick up Betty. We”re going for spaghetti, is she ready?””
“No,” the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ””I”m Joe, I”m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?””
“No.”
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ””Hello, my name is Chuck.””
The farmer shot Chuck.
October 10, 2008 at 5:15 pm #639601
HuindekmiParticipantQ: What’s the difference between Sarah Palin and a pit bull?
A: A pit bull doesn’t think the universe is six thousand years old.
Q: Why does Sarah Palin wear skirts whenever she’s campaigning?
A: Because all her pants are on fire.
Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject “Nude pictures of Sarah Palin”?
A. Whatever you do, don’t open it! It could contain a computer virus!
Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject “Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton”?
A. Whatever you do, don’t open it! It could contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton!
October 10, 2008 at 5:25 pm #639602
HuindekmiParticipantA rancher walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand leading a male beef cattle with the other. He says to the waiter, ‘Gimme a cup of coffee.’
The waiter says, ‘Sure thing. Coming right up.’
He gets the rancher a tall mug of coffee. The rancher drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the cow with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the rancher returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, leading another male beef cow with the other. He walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter, ‘Gimme a cup of coffee.’
The waiter says ‘Whoa, buddy! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?’
The rancher smiles and proudly says, ‘I’m training for President of the United States. I show up at a small town diner, come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.’
October 10, 2008 at 7:55 pm #639603
mellaw6565MemberFor your continued entertainment:….
My partner sent me this email today – enjoy!
The funniest part is the poor guy who not only bought the taser but admits to the story! Read his job title at the bottom.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple -a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries??
All the while I’m looking at this little device
measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, ‘don’t do it dumbass,’ reasoning that a one- second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, ‘Do it again, stupid, do it again!’
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*%#… That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
Mike Martin, Sgt.
Albemarle Police Dept.
School Resource Officer
Albemarle High School
October 10, 2008 at 8:17 pm #639604
mellaw6565MemberBTW – I don’t know if the above story is true, but I know people in Albemarle and it would fit the mentality there! LOL
October 10, 2008 at 8:33 pm #639605
ZenguyParticipantOk, I laughed for about five minutes over that and will be sharing it with many. Thanks.
October 10, 2008 at 8:48 pm #639606October 11, 2008 at 4:44 am #639607
JanSParticipantTwo women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the
man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.
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