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October 12, 2008 at 8:00 am #639608
JanSParticipantPG17 rated…
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.’
The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.’
‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’
October 13, 2008 at 2:03 am #639609
bcollinsMemberOctober 13, 2008 at 8:17 pm #639610
mellaw6565MemberBCollins – it’s spelled seance. Otherwise your joke makes no sense. http://www.dictionary.com
October 13, 2008 at 8:18 pm #639611
mellaw6565MemberJanS – I have a similar joke about the same aliens, although I can’t make it a PG17 for the forum. I’ll tell it to you sometime:)
October 13, 2008 at 8:21 pm #639612
KerryMemberSo much for humor…i don’t think i want to post here given the attitude
October 13, 2008 at 8:24 pm #639613
mellaw6565MemberI’m sorry Kerry that I couldn’t figure out what “say ounce” is the first few times I read it.
October 13, 2008 at 9:05 pm #639614
flowerpetalMemberWhile it might be funny to some, the taser story is likely a piece of fiction. It has been floating around the internet for at least four years. Interestingly, the cat’s name is always Gracie. The names of the husband, wife, and gun shop change regularly. For someone; adding that the supposed author was a police sergeant makes it funnier. It seems that some stories are funnier when we think they actually occurred.
Nonetheless, thanks for posting it Mellaw6565.
October 13, 2008 at 9:32 pm #639615
bcollinsMemberA joke for Mellaw6565…
The Commission on Common Sense (COCS) has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the world. As part of the negotiations, COCS decided that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as “PentaCOCS”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ease” will be replaced with the “ez”. This will make words like “plez” over 30% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to take steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” or “ow” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oze kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer
plez klam dwn vud yu?
October 13, 2008 at 9:43 pm #639616
vincentMemberA priest, a rabbi, and a baleen whale walk into a bar.
The priest says, “Well I believe Jesus Christ is the only begotten son of God and my lord and savior, so I’ll have some communion wine.”
The rabbi says, “Well I don’t believe the messiah has yet walked the earth, so I’ll have Manischewitz wine.”
The baleen whale says “EEEEEEOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH”
October 14, 2008 at 12:54 am #639617
JanSParticipantvincent…sometimes, just sometimes, I think you’re a bit strange ;-)
October 14, 2008 at 12:59 am #639618
austinMemberThat very strongly appeals to my sense of humor vincent.
Along similarly structured lines, this is the joke I know:
A priest, a rabbi, and a new york city police officer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
October 14, 2008 at 6:51 pm #639619
addParticipantI don’t know if I’ve posted this before, but here’s one:
Q: What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, agnostic, and insomniac?
A: Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
October 15, 2008 at 3:30 am #639620
idlerParticipantWhile suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.
The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know she didn’t get up there by herself, she doesn’t belong up there, she doesn’t know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.
October 15, 2008 at 5:35 pm #639621
ZenguyParticipantThe Cardiologist’s Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral………I’m a gynecologist.
The proctologist fainted.
October 24, 2008 at 1:57 am #639622October 24, 2008 at 6:56 am #639623
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