I am tired .. but i am more tired of

[JoB]

I am so tired that twice in the past month i have failed to distinguish the facial features of one person from another.

i routinely forget names..

it’s part of the survival mechanism my brain uses to keep at least enough functioning on a day to day basis for me to navigate through life

if you email me you have to tell me both your name and your WSB persona every time if you want me to know who you are :(

and of course i am tired..

i have chronic fatigue syndrome..

i am supposed to be tired.

but i have always prided myself on my ability to remember people. their faces.. their stories..

and i could.. until lately.

That is until the day i mistook a woman of color for another similarly shaped woman who is not ..

and proceeded to talk to her about children she didn’t have…

Or until yesterday when i confused one passionate volunteer for another and proceeded to tell her about an opportunity she had shared with me…

i clearly didn’t know who i was talking to :(

so far i have failed to mistake a man for a woman..

or god forbid … a woman for a man

but at this rate, i suspect it’s only a matter of time

I know people will tell me to slow down

and they are right that i need to prioritize

but i didn’t realize until this morning what was sapping so much of my energy…

it’s the escalating rhetoric too many are using to camouflage their self interest

it’s meanness disguised as plausible arguments.

theft disguised as individual rights

obstruction disguised as reluctant cooperation

it wears away at my energy

like some kind of insidious water torture…

what’s the use.. what’s the use.. what’s the use

I know that’s it’s purpose

to make us think that …. isn’t worth fighting for

that causes are more important than people

but i don’t remember there ever being so much of it

it’s everywhere..

in our political discourse

in the causes we support

in our institutions

in our daily life

manipulation has become a national substitute for communication

it’s not working

it’s not working for us

it’s not working for me

yesterday i stood in front of a sale case pondering half price precooked turkeys…

$35 would provide a cooked turkey each for both cooking fires at Nickelsville

and that old drip drip interceded

what’s the use.. what’s the use.. what’s the use…

i am not proud to say i walked away without those turkeys

i am tired

but not too tired to realize i let defeatists win

not too tired to fight back against it

not to tired

to want to be me

even when i am too tired

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[sacatosh]

… but not too tired to write a dissertation on why you’re tired.

Might I suggest some time away from the computer, away from the “input” of life, and go play with the dogs or garden or otherwise just relax.

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[miws]

JoB, I can’t come up with a truly thoughtful reply right now, until your message has more time to sink in.

But…remember……you are well loved, and I’m proud and honored to be your friend.

Mike

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[JoB]

sacatosh…

thanks for the suggestion

but this is what i do to play

i have spent the entire morning doing nothing but hanging out and procrastinating…

ok.. and a little cleaning and a little laundry

and i made lunch

if i work at it i might even be able to stretch it out to an afternoon…

after i find the paperwork to file for my vision benefits

it’s flex-ben crunch time and i have dollars left to spend…

nothing worse happened this year so we both get prescription sunglasses

i haven’t answered the phone

well mostly not

and i haven’t returned emails

ok.. just those i had to return

and i haven’t picked up or delivered a single thing to nickelsville today

at least not yet

i did try to pick up the dog’s toys

but they remove them faster than i can put them in their toy box

Yuki climbed right into the toy box when he thought i might be filling it too fast for him to find what is on the bottom

they are now naping

For me

other than having no choice but to spend the day in bed

this is what constitutes taking a day off

but i don’t think the weariness i feel at the continual negativity

the never ending assertions that this or that won’t work presented by people who don’t even bother to look for solutions…

the unrelenting jockeying for just a little bit more power at any expense..

including the health of the project that provides your power…

the belittling that passes as argument

i don’t think any of that is going to be solved with a day off…

that is what you meant, wasn’t it?

you weren’t

you wouldn’t

trivialize either my state of exhaustion

or my illness

would you?

i get enough of that from people who know me well enough to know better…

unfortunatley,

in my personal life

the advice that i would recover if only i would just do less

is generally followed by the request they would like me to make time for :(

you did have something you wanted me to do too, did you?

Nah.. you don’t know me well enough to do that.

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[redblack]

jo: what do you want to do today?

just do that.

and other people will accept it or not. that’s their problem to resolve. no one owns you, so don’t get tasked by other people. even if you love them.

have a great day/night at whatever it is.

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[evergreen]

JOB, your body is telling you to slow down a bit. Not only do you have a debilitating physical illness and extreme fatigue, but what you describe sounds like classic caregiver burnout. It is essential that you take care of yourself first and say “no” occasionally (perhaps even on a daily basis). Also remember that you are not responsible for fixing all of the world’s problems, and that even though there is a lot of negativity and sadness, there is also joy and kindness all around you. Thank you for being part of what is good in the world!

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[charlabob]

Thank you for sharing this. I suspect reading it will make a difference in the lives of many people and it takes courage to talk honestly about what you’re thinking in the way that you do. That,too,is special.

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[JoB]

Thanks guys..

i did take care of me today..

I picked up my new glasses

and took care of the flex ben thingie by taking hubby to order back-up glasses and sunglasses

(my sedation dentistry is next… that ought to be relaxing.. hehehe )

and had dinner out..

one of the most enjoyable Indian dinners we have shared…

(at the place that used to be Golden Indian over by Southcenter Mall …)

(i knew you would ask)

I played off and on here half the day

it’s been a long time since i did that.

i puttered

and i made decisions

i honestly hadn’t realized how weary i was…

I am better now

but I still think the chinese water torture

of negativity and pessimism and meanness sucks!

and i am still in no mood to tolerate fools

Tomorrow i will slay dragons

(metaphorically speaking i hope)

Tonight i am curling up with a dog or two,hubby and a meaningless book.

maybe even a scandal sheet ;->

you know, i really appreciate this forum

if it’s my neighborhood bar

it’s one i am really really comfortable in

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[pattilea]

Job,

I also suffer(ed) from CFS, for several years. They changed my meds now I have a life. Also I joined a class called TQI, To quiet inflammation. OMG I can’t tell you how great I feel after only four weeks. I totally changed the way I eat, now I sleep all night have tons more energy. I can actually stay awake until 10pm at night now LOL!!

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[JoB]

pattilea..

i am over the moon for you.

if i did better on meds i’d be hounding you for your answers..

i looked at the TQI class but for some reason it didn’t speak to me yet…

perhaps it was past my bedtime ;->

always glad to speak with a survivor…

who knows.. you might know something i don’t

joanne@brayden.org

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[ws4ever]

xo

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