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January 16, 2011 at 7:51 am #597639
HarmonicParticipantOk, JoB encouraged me to write more, so here goes. I suppose this is not West Seattle related so I’ll tag it as politics……
I saw a comment tonight that blamed the girl in the car for the accident that happened at Charleston last week (my comment under Amy – I just gave you my real name), saying she should be charged for knowingly getting into a car with a driver and a bottle of tequila.
short thought – really? have you no compassion?
Speaking from experience, I’ve now experienced both male beating female and female beating male….
what is the best approach to “save” them? my sister got out, luckily, my husband’s best friend (a male) is in the process. Thank God (in my not right wing way, I can stil be an independent spiritual girl right?) of getting out and she was as bad as any males can be…plus there is the complete emotional abuse as well….
So neighbors of West Seattle, I’m curious on your thoughts of getting loved ones out of seriouly shi&#@y situations?
Any personal situations would be appreciated. It all makes me cry. Yuck and thank that same God disclaimer above that I never found me way down that path……
Harmonic (aka as real name Amy)
January 16, 2011 at 11:53 am #714221
JoBParticipantHarmonic..
the saddest thing about having someone you care about in an abusive situation is knowing that they will not leave until they are ready…
and that by then it may be too late.
All you can do is put your trust in them and be there when they need you.
it never hurts to pray.
welcome to the forum
i look forward to getting to know you
January 16, 2011 at 6:24 pm #714222
datamuseParticipantThank you for posting this, Harmonic.
It can be really difficult to understand the dynamics of an abusive situation if you haven’t been there yourself or known people who have. Paradoxically, leaving an abusive relationship (which can include moving out suddenly, calling the police, or filing for a protection order, and I have known people who have done all of these things–the partner of the one who called the cops had a shotgun in the house, she wound up leaving the state before he got out of jail) can be the MOST dangerous time. Stalking, threats, coercion, physical assault–abusers use all of these to get power and control over their victims.
I thought the comment asserting that the passenger in the car deserved her injuries was appalling, and showed a remarkable lack of understanding of what abuse victims go through. Of course we don’t know the particulars of this situation, but that justifies the statement even less.
It does, however, highlight a characteristic that this woman shares with the approximately 11 percent of the 4.9 MILLION intimate partner incidences of rape and physical abuse that occur every year which result in medical treatment.
I highly encourage that commenter and anyone else who’s thinking along similar lines to read the book Why Doesn’t She Just Leave? and the Department of Justice study Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings From the National Violence Against Women Survey (which, despite the title, also reports on domestic violence against men).
I would also ask all of you who may be reading this: if you know someone who is in an abusive situation, you cannot make them leave. As JoB said, though, you can be there for them, let them know you support them and will help them if they need it. Educate yourself on the resources available; at the very least, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (which is 1-800-799-7233, if you’re wondering).
This is not a rare or even unusual problem. The DoJ study bears that out.
January 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm #714223
argilesParticipantYes Amy I do have compassion!
Sorry to have hurt or offended. You were correct I have not been exposed to domestic violence and I am sorry that my post comes off to blame the victim, I’m not good at getting my thoughts typed out.
Thanks for the suggestions Datamuse.
Don’t worry as much as this has sparked from me being a not so caring and compassionate person I will be lessening my posts and comments.
January 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm #714224
DPMemberHow maddening to see someone you care about sacrificing herself/himself to an abuser, knowing there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
These situations are usually more complicated than they seem. Maybe the abused person really wants out of the relationship. Or maybe she wants the relationship to change but would rather stay than quit, no matter what.
Or maybe, on some level, she “wants” to be mistreated.
In some cases, even when you take the abusive “partner” out of the picture, the abused person will just seek out someone else to abuse them. Or they will abuse themselves with booze or drugs.
I would never offer this up as an excuse to do nothing or a reason to blame the victim. But it does explain some cases where people have tried and failed to make a difference in an abused person’s life.
January 16, 2011 at 7:53 pm #714225
JiggersMemberIt’s always the guys fault regardless. We have to accept responsibilty for a females actions. If a girls hits me in the face with a frying pan, I’m at fault Mr.Policeman, take me in and throw away the key.:)
January 16, 2011 at 10:27 pm #714226
JanSParticipantnow, jiggers, you know that’s not true.You only have to accept responsibility for your own actions. Period.
January 17, 2011 at 12:11 am #714227
JoBParticipantDP…
when you look at the personal history of someone who “wants” an abusive relationship…
and btw.. it gave me a major cramp in my stomach not to take a frying pan to that sentence …
you will almost always find someone with a history of childhood abuse.
No-one wants to be abused.
Abusers convince children that abuse = love :(
when society blames the abused for the actions of their abuser …
how are they going to ever gain the self esteem that will allow them to move away from that pattern?
January 17, 2011 at 3:00 am #714228
bsmommaParticipantNow Jiggers…… Did you not read about the incident with the dogs on 44th? Who got taken to jail and booked for DV???? The girl did. She was determined to be the aggresor (sp).
Being in a S%#&&y (on any level) realationiship or knowing someone who is, is lame. Both situations can make you feel helpless. And saying that someone deserves to be hurt because they let themselves be in that situation, is just stupid. What if your abuser who has been drinking or has a bottle in his/her hands finds you on the street because you ran and tells you to get in the car while holding a gun in his/her lap…… What do you do? Sometimes leaving can be the hardest and the most dangerous. There are so many different levels and types of abuse. Most of the time we have absolutely no clue. All we can do is be compasionate and there.
January 17, 2011 at 3:24 am #714229
HarmonicParticipantArgiles,
I apologize for calling you out. That was inappropriate and I’m sure that you are compassionate being. It struck a nerve with me and I fired back. I too probably had a similar view until it hit close to home. Please don’t stop posting because of me, that was not my intent.
Amy
Thanks for the responses.
January 17, 2011 at 7:17 am #714230
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