RANT: People that take advantage of vulnerable seniors

[AlkiRagdoll]

My father is 82, newly widowered, and very lonely. Now a 52 yr old women, who was his caregiver after he had a minor stoke this summer, is now sleeping with him…I fired the caregiving company, and they have fired her, as well as threatened her legally. Yes, when he told me he slept witth her, he was saying sex. Other than the obvious, what could a 52 year old women see in an 82 year old guy that is nearly blind? Am I nuts. He lives in PA, so I dont get to see him often, so anyone who wants to provide suggestions for how to protect him would he helpful.

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[JanS]

wow, I’m not sure what to say here. That goes a bit beyond “caregiving”, in my book.What part of PA is he in? My folks are about the same age, live about 60 miles from Philly.

Are there any relatives close to where he lives that may offer support? I’m assuming here that he’s of sound mind? (if not, that’s a whole other can of worms) And, have you contacted any of his physicians, who obviously must see him if he is recovering from a stroke.

It sounds to me that she is definitely taking advantage of his loneliness, perhaps to her financial gain. Does this warrant some sort of social worker intervention? And, has anyone talked with authorities in his city for general information as to what may be done.

I’m one of two children, and my sister , who lived on the east coast, passed away 3 years ago. One of my biggest guilts, concerns, etc., is that I’m so far away, and can’t help with what they may need. They are almost 85 and 84 respectively, and live independently, but…anything could happen at any time, considering their age.

I’m not sure what to suggest otherwise.If you want, I could ask my folks what kinds of services PA has. They’re of very sound mind, and partially blind themselves, and know a lot of the ins and outs of things that the state provides.

PM me if you want :)

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[UrbanFabulous]

Can you maybe look into senior centers in his area and see if they have a program where a van can come pick him up? That way he gets out of the house, has interactions with people, and has something to look forward to?

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[CarolPB]

I am so sorry for you to have to be dealing with this. It is so awful when anyone takes advantage of someone that is in such a vulnerable situation.

The agency you hired to take care of him really should be extra diligent in making sure your father gets the best of care from now on, and should review their hiring practices. I’m sure they are liable for their employee’s actions.

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[mae64]

Find Community Services

http://www.eldercare.gov

800.677.1116

The first step to finding resources for older adults in any U.S. community.

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[inactive]

You might want to take a look at that link #5 mae64 so kindly put up for you. I think, if it were me, I would consider doing two things at a minimum: flying back and assessing the situation in person with my own two eyes to see what was what; and, ALSO, be present to create an opportunity to talk to other family, friends, care providers in person so as to be part of the decision-making “team”; and, ALSO, find an attorney who practices Elder Law in the nearest metro area to your dad to understand how the law might protect your dad, if needed, just in case.

God speed –

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[Magpie]

Does someone have a durable power of attorney? At least that would give you some financial protection. I work in an industry where I see elderly people being taken advantage of financially. Sometimes they give a POA to the “caregiver” and gifts, etc. But taking advantage like this could also be a crime, depending on his mental state. Assessing the situation yourself and then getting the right kind of local help (might ask if the caregiving company did appropriate background checks) might be your best bet. Good luck, this is a very sad thing.

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[inactive]

Here’s a couple of good links with excellent, credible info:

http://elder-law.lawyers.com/

http://naela.org

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[AlkiRagdoll]

Thanks to those that posted. I have seen and observed this woman, as this relationship started before the holidays, when she was his part time caregiver. We terminated the caregiver company, and the caregiver company terminated her as an employee. At that time, we moved him to assisted living, and the caregiver company’s attorneys sent the woman a letter, such that the next day she ended it with my Dad. Or so we thought. The holidays were somewhat peaceful, as I visited him for the purpose of trying to deal with this then.

He is very lonely since my mother died a year ago, so we figured that assisted living would help get him out with people, help with the grieving process, similar to the suggestions from those posting. However, last week this woman showed up again, and by Friday night he checked out of assisted living and “spent the night” with her at the family house (which we have not been able to sell yet). He made it clear that they had sex, and my brother sez its not the first time. Now he doesnt want her out of his sight and is not spending any time with family who want to take him places or visit him. The next day he called me to say that he is in love and that despite my objections he “wants to be happy in his last few years”. When I objected he became verbally abusive, such that I had to hang up on him.

Today, I initiated a complaint through the state Bureau of Aging. It will be investigated as a sexual abuse, if my dad is found “confused” which I think is a sex crime. I dont believe he is of sound mind. The Bureau on Aging has a protective services unit that will investigate.

Separately, I have spoken with his attorney as well as my seattle attorney. His attorney said that my parents trust will prevent the new woman from gaining access to most of his assets unless my Dad specifically seeks a change, as his home and other items are in a trust. However, she could drain his bank account without any change and she might be able to influence him to change his trust. My bother has power of attorney, but has been unwilling to invoke it as Dad has wanted to manage his own accounts. Bro doesnt like the relationship, but is trying to get along with dad. Bro’ is unwilling to take over (bro lives in California), so if my Dad doesnt willingly hand over the accounts, I will be forced to initate legal proceedings to determine if he is of sound mind.

Reason I am posting this, is in hopes that others can learn from this. Both my brother and I live on the west coast, Dad in eastern PA. Until my mother died, they were a normal couple, married for 55 yrs, and living a rather active retired life. While we have family (cousins and an aunt) that checks in on him in the assisted living place, Dad is alone the majority of the time. Mother’s death left him depressed, lonely and lost and he suffered a stroke less than 6 mos after her death, which left him with little eyesight, so he cant live alone, cant drive, etc. He does get regular Dr visits, but is very good at covering up his feelings. There are times he sounds normal, and other where he clearly is not the same person. However, in fairness, other than his associations, he has not done anything “wrong”. This is the second woman that he has become attached – the first just a few months after Mom died, but was age appropriate. She wanted my Dad to give her one of his cars, that we had convinced him to sell. However, she has been out of the picture as she went to Florida for the winter. This newer woman was a caregiver, is 53, and other than part time caregiving, works as a cashier at a restaurant. I am not demeaning cashiers, only trying to note that she is of modest means, and why would someone nearly 30 years younger want to care for a man that needs so much care? While I dont want my Dad emotionally hurt, I am more afraid that he would be left pennyless. While Dad wants to leave an estate for his two kids, neither of us need it, and both of us want him to live comfortably. While attorneys tell me that the power of attorney can be used, Dad has to turn over the assets to be managed by my brother. Otherwise the only protection we can assure is to go to court and gain conservatorship. My cousin and aunt are going to see if he will willingly give up his accounts to my brother – by basically saying that the “kids” wont object to his relationship if he does that. If he doesnt, then I will be forced to either trust this woman will do no harm, or go to court to gain conservatorship. I dont think the risk is worth it to trust her. The action I have taken have in essence ended my relationship with my father as he is furious at me. However, if it were a drug addiction, everyone would understand. Because its a woman, there seems less understanding. Its really a sad case. I hope no one has to go through this.

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