Home › Forums › Open Discussion › Puns for intellectuals
- This topic is empty.
-
AuthorPosts
-
February 2, 2012 at 8:18 pm #745899
365StairsParticipantMy mom has a sister named “Freeze”…
We all say she is one Cool Aunt! Auntie Freeze…
Walking down a dusty trail on a spring day, Mary Jane sneezes. “Oh my darn allergies…” She says. Concerned sister says…did you take any anti-histymins? “No”…not yet… The 6 yr. old niece following behind listening closely asks her mom..”Mommy…I’ve never met Aunti Histomeen…where does she live?”
The mother..playing along for the adults in the trail crowd…says…”Oh my dear…she’s is just your crazy auntie..who lives in a commune with a bunch of other silly aunts you don’t know yet…like:
Auntie InFlammatory
Auntie Coagulant
Auntie Social
Auntie Matter
Auntie Virus
(ba dump bump) (rim shot)
Don’t forget to tip your waitress…
February 2, 2012 at 11:08 pm #745900
miwsParticipantI’ve been having a rather intimate relationship with Auntie Coagulant for the last several weeks…
Mike
February 4, 2012 at 12:30 am #745901
lindaParticipantA psychiatrist is doing his rounds with a couple of students. They look in on one patient, and the psychiatrist says to his students, “Sometimes this fellow thinks he’s a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose-stepping, he thinks he’s the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he’s suffering from?”
The first student replies, “Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple-personality disorder?”
The second student says, “No, surely he just doesn’t know whether he’s Carmen or Goering.”
February 6, 2012 at 8:47 pm #745902
sboneParticipantRusty Bed Springs by I.P. Freely
Brown Spots by Woo Poo
Running to the Out House by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont
February 7, 2012 at 5:27 am #745903
DBPMemberFebruary 7, 2012 at 6:44 am #745904
datamuseParticipantThe bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
February 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm #745905
munchkin22MemberDBP: how ’bout “chocolate milkshake”?
February 7, 2012 at 5:08 pm #745906
DBPMemberWe have a winner.
February 7, 2012 at 5:12 pm #745907
DBPMemberFebruary 7, 2012 at 5:54 pm #745908
munchkin22MemberC’mon, make ’em harder. English muffin.
February 7, 2012 at 5:59 pm #745909
StringCheeseParticipantAh! I kept looking all I could see was Poirot…
February 7, 2012 at 6:39 pm #745910
metrognomeParticipantEmperor Selassie was Haile original.
February 7, 2012 at 7:08 pm #745911
DBPMemberFebruary 7, 2012 at 7:19 pm #745912
metrognomeParticipantif your only tool is a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail …
February 7, 2012 at 8:31 pm #745913
miwsParticipantFebruary 9, 2012 at 4:36 pm #745914
DBPMemberA guy in a dishevelled trenchcoat staggers into a bar and practically passes out on the counter.
“I’m from the future,” he says.
The bartender looks him over skeptically, shakes his head, and goes, “Oh yeah? Well . . . what’ll it be?”
The guy breaks down on the counter, sobbing.
“Awful. Just goddamn awful.”
February 9, 2012 at 6:13 pm #745915
munchkin22MemberIn the beginning the metric to English units conversions are a challenge,
but for advanced students there is an extended list of units and conversion
factors available online
1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacard
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
February 10, 2012 at 3:56 pm #745916
mirabileMemberMy friend and I were playing chess. He said, “Let’s make this more interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
February 11, 2012 at 11:34 pm #745917
DBPMemberFebruary 12, 2012 at 1:02 am #745918
miwsParticipantMike
February 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm #745919
PK22Member1. Energizer bunny arrested, charged with Battery
2. Changed my ipod name to Titanic, It’s syncing now
3. How to spot a blind man in a nudist colony, it’s not hard.
4. Atheism is a non prophet organization
5. When chemists die, We Barium
6. How does Moses make his tea, Hebrews it.
7. Governments that try to control the internet are SOPAthetic
February 12, 2012 at 5:44 pm #745920
JoBParticipantI should have dropped in here sooner
February 12, 2012 at 7:20 pm #745921
DBPMemberAnd speaking of nudists, why DO people go to nudist colonies anyway?
A: To air their differences.
February 20, 2012 at 10:51 pm #745922
DBPMemberFebruary 21, 2012 at 12:11 am #745923
miwsParticipant -
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.