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September 17, 2008 at 4:32 pm #588083
JenVMemberA man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, “You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.”
The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. “Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!”
“Listen, I’m the customer, so I’m always right.” the man says. “That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.”
“That tears it,” the bartender says, “How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?”
“Well, you’d be the customer, so you’d be right,” the man says.
“Fine, then let’s switch places,” the bartender says.
So, they do. The man takes the bartender’s place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, “You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda.”
“Sorry,” the man says, “but we don’t serve Republicans here.”
September 17, 2008 at 4:47 pm #639509
RainyDay1235MemberYep, I’m going to hell…enjoy…
“And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She’s got a four-month-old of her own, she’s about to become a grandmother, and she’s partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin’s been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain’s vice president. That’s true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR.” –Conan O’Brien
“This is true. In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 e-mails that she’s withholding from public records. She won’t release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line ‘Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she’s a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she’s in favor of shotgun weddings.” –Conan O’Brien
“And you’ve got to love this: Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. An avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there?” –David Letterman
“Of course, now everyone’s digging into Sarah Palin’s past. There’s an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she’s wearing a t-shirt that says, ‘I may be broke, but I’m not flat-busted.’ Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, ‘What’s the internet?'” –Conan O’Brien
“She does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska, right next door to Russia.” –FOX News Channel’s Steve Doocy, gushing over Palin’s qualifications, to which Jon Stewart quipped, “When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.”
“John McCain’s VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she’s ever seen.” –Bill Maher
In her own words…..
“As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?” –Sarah Palin, in an interview with CNBC’s “Kudlow & Co.”
“I’ve been so focused on state government, I haven’t really focused much on the war in Iraq.” –Palin
“It’s great to see another part of the country.” –Palin, campaigning in Pennsylvania
September 17, 2008 at 5:06 pm #639510
FullTiltParticipantGeneral David Petraeus is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
Bush“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”
September 17, 2008 at 5:33 pm #639511
acemotelParticipantfrom Yahoo news last night, on the prospect that McCain will take Palin to the UN to meet some foreign dignitaries:
>> One U.N. diplomat joked that a visit to the United Nations in New York would add one more trip outside the United States to Palin’s resume — a reference to the fact that the U.N. compound is technically not on U.S. territory.
(fulltilt, I am still LOL, a brazillion…..)
September 17, 2008 at 5:45 pm #639512
JenVMemberwell, this is both funny and sad….from Moveon.org:
Get this. Apparently, John McCain invented the BlackBerry! Today, McCain’s top economic adviser waved a BlackBerry in front of reporters and said, “He did this…You’re looking at the miracle John McCain helped create.”
A miracle indeed. Who ever would have guessed that the BlackBerry was invented by a 72-year-old man who recently called himself computer “illiterate,” talked about “a Google,” and said he “watches” blogs?
September 17, 2008 at 6:34 pm #639513
FullTiltParticipantHOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN
1. You have to believe that the nation’s current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday’s gasoline prices are all Clinton’s fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don’t deserve theirs.
5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.
7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn’t diminish your opportunities, but you still won’t vote for Alan Keyes.
10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.
12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.
September 17, 2008 at 6:39 pm #639514
mellaw6565MemberA widowed woman in her 80’s was the organ player for her local church for many years. Hearing that she was sick, the pastor went by her house to check on her.
While visiting with her, the pastor noticed a condom floating in a bowl of water sitting on her organ. Curious, he asked the woman about it – she replied:
Well, I found this package laying on the ground near my house and the instructions said to open up the package, place it on your organ, keep it wet, and it will keep away diseases!
September 17, 2008 at 8:20 pm #639515
JoBParticipantwhere do i find a condom?
September 17, 2008 at 8:24 pm #639516
mellaw6565MemberI think it’s the Sarah Palin birth control method:) And probably her Health Care plan too!
September 17, 2008 at 8:42 pm #639517
Robert2715ParticipantIn the spirit of national bipartisinship I propose the following:
All Obama/Biden Supporters turn their car headlights on during the day.
All McCain/Palin Supporters turn their car headlights off during the night.
(I know I know, same joke every 4 years but I always like it)
September 17, 2008 at 8:44 pm #639518
RainyDay1235MemberSeptember 17, 2008 at 8:52 pm #639519
JenVMemberShank Piston Palin here…
September 17, 2008 at 9:15 pm #639520
mellaw6565MemberClaw Washout Palin over here….
September 17, 2008 at 9:16 pm #639521
mellaw6565MemberDon’t you think that she should at least have a son named Moose and a daughter named Caribou?
September 17, 2008 at 9:53 pm #639522
ZenguyParticipantTwo 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor:
when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb — it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
September 17, 2008 at 10:04 pm #639523
JoBParticipantSeptember 17, 2008 at 10:23 pm #639524
ZenguyParticipantBush is jogging along the Potomac and comes across a kid with a bunch of puppies in a box, he stops and asks “hey kid, what kind of dogs are those?”
“They are Republicans” the kid replies.
Bush thinks that is cute and continues on his way.
The next day Bush is jogging along the Potomac again, this time with Cheney and sees the same kid with the box of puppies. Bush says “hey Dick, check this out.” and ask the kid “tell my friend here what kind of dogs these are”
The kid says “they are Democrats!”, Bush looks confused and says “yesterday they were Republicans?” and the kid replies “their eyes are open now!”
September 17, 2008 at 10:30 pm #639525
JenVMemberis part of the funny picturing Cheney jogging? ;)
September 17, 2008 at 10:35 pm #639526
ZenguyParticipantWell, he would have his rifle with him of course. Can you picture it now?
September 17, 2008 at 10:47 pm #639527
GenHillOneParticipantit’s okay, JoB, when I did it…Pump Bust Palin… sounds like a really bad stripper.
September 17, 2008 at 10:54 pm #639528
JenVMembersounds like a doll you can buy at Stan’s Adult Super Store! :) <shudders>
September 17, 2008 at 10:57 pm #639529
acemotelParticipantMuzzle Mammoth here……
September 18, 2008 at 12:22 am #639530
JanSParticipantSteak Leather here….not liking that one :(
September 18, 2008 at 12:27 am #639531
JenVMemberQ: What is the difference between Sarah Palin and the typical vice-presidential nominee who confuses jargon for policy, speaks in scripted platitudes, and criticizes their opponent rather than offering a vision for the future?
A: Lipstick.
(courtesy Robert Felton, Austin Weekly News. article can be found here: http://austinweeklynews.com/main.asp?SectionID=1&SubSectionID=1&ArticleID=1919&TM=73531.96)
September 18, 2008 at 1:03 am #639532
soclwrkrinmotnMember -
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