How do you measure success?

[JanS]

There are some interesting discussions/arguments/whatever you want to call them going on right now on the forums….and the thought occurred to ask how you all measure success…is it money? stature in the community? business acumen? getting to retirement age alive? (lol) I’m just curious what you all think…and I know that there are lots and lots of opinions out there :)

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[JenV]

anything that’s not me or anything I do. My only success is in being an example of how not to live your life. *bows* …you’re welcome, everyone.

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[Kayleigh2]

A smart ex-boyfriend of mine (far more ‘traditionally’ successful than I am–a CEO actually) told me, “Some things that are incredibly easy and obvious for you are incredibly hard for me, and vice versa.” That was one of those a-ha! moments for me.

Makes more sense to me to measure happiness than success. And if you must measure success, measure the journey and what you lost and gained along the way.

JMO as ever.

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[JoB]

i believe success is measured by your willingness to engage the journey you are on and make the most of the opportunities offered you…

jenV.. you are a success. You live your life with integrity and compassion… which are rare qualities these days.

When measuring success, measure who you are not what you are. You will get a more accurate measurement that way.

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[Jill]

Aw, c’mon, JenV, you flatter yourself. :) Srsly, that can’t be true, and we all know it.

As I read the subject line I was thinking the same as Kayleigh2, where it should be a certain level of inner happiness and ability to accept what is, rather than collection of toys or set salary amount, or wishing things were a particular way that they aren’t (and by the time that they become that particular way, you’re off wishing for something else). I’m a chronic striver and although I like being motivated toward some things, I am nonetheless always focused on how much I *don’t* accomplish (and I am by no means unique in this). It’s a recipe for never being successful in your own mind. Not that you shouldn’t strive for anything, but striving for success should include a certain level of respect and forgiveness for yourself and others.

I’m not sure I am answering the question, maybe just adding variables. :)

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[Zenguy]

For me, it is getting to the end of my life and being able to smile because I did or tried all the things in life that I thought were important.

Having family and good friends that love and respect me for being myself is very important as well.

I agree with Kayleigh that the answer is different for everyone.

I do wonder, how many people will look back at the end though and reasses what success is?

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[JanS]

Zenguy..I think that’s why I asked. I just want to know how different people feel about it. I already have one success in my life…the lovely young 28 year old woman who lives in the apartment next to mine….my daughter ( for those who don’t know, she is Missaudreyhorne on here). The rest? it is different for each of us…difficult to put into words for me, I think…so I asked what you all feel :)

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[TammiWS]

Living with integrity – my walk and my talk are in sync. Fostering good friendships and family relationships. Living small – by that I mean not taking up more than I need in ANY way. Having empathy.

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[beachdrivegirl]

I think the key to being successful is happiness. I think the key to happiness is being honest with oneself. Being honest with onself about not only what you want but what one has and has not accomplished. Being honest with oneself also has to do with being accountable for your actions.

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[charlabob]

“Being honest with yourself can not even begin until one is honest with others.”

Nor surprisingly, I couldn’t disagree with you more. :-) The world is full of people who can’t be honest with others because they’re clewless about themselves. Knowing onesself has to come first. That does not mean self-absorption. It does mean self-awareness.

I think measuring success is a mistaken concept. Measure = metric = (s)he who dies with the most toys wins. (Remember that little 80’s obscenity?)

However, I like many of the answers here — they actually give me hope. Having said that, my measurement for my personal success is any small indication of a positive effect I have had in the world. When someone says something I said made a difference to them or made them think. When a kid laughs at the same joke I do. When adults see our collection of children’s books and get wrapped up in one of them.

Selfishly, it’s when someone says I can’t do something and I do it, dammit.

Success is not when people say, “Is that an original Chihuly” and marvel at the answer.”

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[JanS]

BDG…I appreciate what you said, although we may not see eye to eye on it…but I think that it’s a generic answer. What I’d love to know is, when you’re in the “twilight” of your life, and you look back at it, how ever many years it was, how would you measure “success” in YOUR life, not generically for everyone, but for you personally.

Charla hit on the toys thing. I know some people feel success is that they had the “things” that they wanted, and that measured success for them. I want to kno what it means to you personally.

Your point was made…but I wanted more specifics, I guess…

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[beachdrivegirl]

Charla, how can someone be honest with others if they are not honest with themselves first? If you arent honest with yourself you do not realize that you are not honset with others. (this can really be seen in pathelogical liars. Because (although sad) it is true that pathological liars do not even realize that they are lieing. They believe what they are saying. this is how come it is typically very difficult to have a relationship with them.)

Jan, that is how i measure success. Happiness is the key to success. Happiness will only be attained once someone is honest with themselves. This includes being honest about what is importnat to them. i.e. if family is important to someone, than being honest about that, you will have a better family, and in turn be successful

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[JenV]

I would actually agree with BDG on this one. If you are truly happy, nothing else matters and one would assume that personal success would follow. Being honest with yourself if also important – I am too honest with myself, which is why both happiness and success elude me.

It is hard to quantify what others mean as “success” just as it is hard to quantify “happiness” “sadness” etc. One’s personal success can only be measured by them. If you look to outside things or people to measure your success, that’s up to you too.

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[charlabob]

“Charla, how can someone be honest with others if they are not honest with themselves first?”

That’s what I said — it’s the opposite of what you said in your last sentence. I clearly misunderstood you.

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[JoB]

charlabob..

i would have to agree that self awareness has to come first.

i used to wonder what the difference was between being a kid and an adult.. because in many ways even my grandkids say i haven’t grown up (a supreme compliment from them).. and i realized that when i was assessing who was and wasn’t a grown up around me… self awareness was the key ingredient.

i think it’s funny that women spend their adult lives rediscovering who they were at 10 or 12 or 16… before they developed and added hormones. There is a comic who calls estrogen a toxic drug and lauds menopause for the post detox period.

I once thought she was just being funny.. but there is some truth to the consequences:)

I can’t speak for men. I think the best of them remain 12 year old boys at heart.. but i suspect they see it differently:)

it’s like the saying… you can’t love someone else until you love yourself .. here we are in 80s cliche heaven… but it’s true.. you can need them terribly but you can’t love someone else without loving yourself first….

you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with others… because if you’re not.. what have you got to be honest with others about other than the obvious details of you life?

a lot of jealousy, envy and malice come packaged as honesty when details become easier than examining your own motivations.

my sister is like that.. and unfortunately i don’t’ think she will ever change. it’s a shame because she wants desperately what she will never have… since she can’t recognize when she has it.

Zenguy…

i think self awareness is the key to the answer to your question.. how many people actually look back at the end of their lives and reassess success?…

i think those who are self aware look back often so that they can avoid repeating actions and mindsets they now realize were mistakes.

i don’t know if the others look back at all.. but if my sister is any indication.. they feel a profound loss they can never explain.. and that no amount of toys will fill.

it is so easy to be successful… to feel successful… but so hard for so many to achieve.

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[JoB]

JenV..

ah.. here we go back into the 80s again… or was it the 60s:)

but there is no such thing as too much honesty… as long as it is tempered with love…

when you love you forgive someone their flaws… you may even find some of them endearing.

it is possible.. tho i admit not easy.. to do the same with yourself.

I too often think i am too self aware… too honest with myself. it is certainly true that i am far harder on myself than anyone else.

But i also know my intentions better than anyone else and as long as my intention was basically good the outcome doesn’t have to match.

it took me a long time to realize that the only circumstances i could control were my own.. that i could set all the other variables up for success and still not achieve my objective because in practice there is very little i do that is all about me.

imagine that ;~)

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[Zenguy]

JoB, I think when the end is drawing near people do look back and if they have not already had it they get that aha moment.

When one of my Grandfathers was alive he was a pius, judgemental, bigoted, greedy man. I was by his bedside just before he died only by coicidence (some would say not) because my other grandfather was in the room just down the hall. My Grandfather could no longer speak, he held my hand and I could see in his eyes the tears of regret and I’m sorry. Regret that he focused on telling others how they should live their lives and judging them if they did not live up to his standards. Regret that he took adoration instead of giving love. I always saw my Grandfather as someone who was searching for something, I hope he found it that day.

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[JoB]

Zenguy…

i hope he did too.

i hope for my sister every day.

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[WSMom]

Saturday my 15 year old and I were up in our very disorganized attic gathering up Christmas boxes. In a half-full box of stuff my son discovered an old note that I had written to my husband (then new boyfriend). There’s no date on it, but I’m sure it was written in the first month of meeting this man who I was crazy, over-the-top, overwhelmingly in love with. My son read the note first then handed it to me (I was grateful that the content was decidedly G rated!), yet still kinda corny and sweet. It seems to fit in this thread:

“If the day and night

are such that you

greet them with joy,

and life emits a

fragrance like flowers

and sweet smelling herbs, is

….more starry,

more immortal — that is

your success.

Henry David Thoreau

PS: I’m feeling pretty successful!

Have a wonderful day — I’ll

be thinking of you and smiling.”

Twenty plus years later, I still think of him and smile. I think of our children too and smile (usually) :) And I still feel pretty successful!! (I like how I qualified it as “pretty successful” even then, always careful not to use absolutes).

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[villagegreen]

My only problem with personal happiness as a barometer of success is that some seemingly very happy people do a lot of things on a daily basis that adversely affect a lot people and the planet, e.g. CEOs, Hummer drivers, Lawyers (not all, but some), etc.

I would assume those people equate money with happiness, but who’s to say they aren’t truly happy? Ignorance is bliss as they say and who am I to believe they’ve deluded themselves into being happy. If you’re happy your happy, no matter how you get there. However, being happy doesn’t necessarily lead to living a good life IMO.

I think I would mesure success by living your life with the best intentions possible and always consciously trying to become a better person (to yourself and others). I guess you could equate this with being self-aware. This may not always lead to happiness, but as long as you never give up on learning and educating yourself to the world around you, you can say that you are a success.

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[Anonymous]

I don’t agree with a lot of the sentiments in this thread (I realize I could, simply, be misunderstanding).

Why is it assumed that people who have money are NOT really happy – but only think they are? For example, from the post above, people who own a business, drive a Hummer, or are an attorney by profession are all assumed to be affecting other people negatively and, therefore, couldn’t be happy?

Again, I could be the misunderstanding, but money does not equate to happiness/success and I think most intelligent people realize that. I’m sure a lot of people here know people with and without money and they are all probably happy.

My BF, who is an attorney, firmly believes that when you go, you take nothing with you and therefore, material things don’t matter one iota. It’s how you feel, who you are and what you’ve done that really only matters in the end. Btw, he is just about the happiest person I’ve ever known.

Success, IMO, is impossible to pinpoint. I think it can be different things for different people. I think once you believe you ARE successful, you’ve lost all success. What’s more rewarding than striving for everything, accomplishing that and striving for more?

I liken it to learning, once you think you know everything, what’s left?

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[JoB]

i think self awareness really is the key…

because without that… how can you decide what success means to you… or evaluate your ability to achieve it?… or recognize when you are successful?

WSMom.. what a wonderful christmas gift finding that note was… you are a very lucky woman.

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[beachdrivegirl]

love the post nr

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[JanS]

NR…I don’t assume that people who have money are inherently NOT happy. But is it the money that is the cause of their happiness? I have a favorite saying…”Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure does make the trip a lot easier” – lol.

i sit and wonder what I measure as success in my life..yes, my daughter turning into a lovely young talented, intelligent productive woman…although that might be in spite of me. I hope that I influenced her in some way, though.

The rest? Well, I’ve been able to lead the life that I’m comfortable with. I’m definitely NOT rich – lol..but…hey…money just buys things…I’ve figured out the difference between need and want. I have a great profession, something that I love doing. I have great friends, and meeting more all the time. I’ve made mistakes, I know that. But I can’t live with “what if’s”…no one can.

There are things along the way that I wish had been different, but…to never have regrets…that’s part of my truth…I don’t ever want to have regrets at the end of my life…

it’s still a work in progress :)

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[villagegreen]

NR – I meant that SOME people with money – notice how I wrote ‘Lawyers (not all, but some)’ affect others’ lives adversely. And my whole point was that these people can still be geniunely happy even though their actions may be hurting others or the planet. People who are happy are happy – it doesn’t matter why they are happy. That is why I don’t believe you can equate happiness with success in all cases. I don’t believe a person is successful if their actions are negatively affecting others on a routine basis.

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