Foster Parents

[chef]

My partner and I would like to become foster parents with a view to permanently adopt in the future. We’d like to start with babies or small children, but not stuck on that age group necessarily.

Are there any folks who have tried this process or foster parents out there that can give us some advice where to start, what to watch out for, etc……

What will the foster agency be looking for when evaluating us as parents? Should we be concerned about having a same-sex household? Are there significant up front costs to us when going through the qualification process?

Thanks in advance for any advice or guidance.

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[Bonnie]

Chef, I am not a foster parent but I know for a fact that there is a shortage of foster parents out there and if you could do this it would be a wonderful thing. I would hope being a same sex household would not be a concern…but you never know. Good luck!

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[Traci]

I hope it works out!

I don’t have much to add about logistical stuff, but I want to be a foster mom asap. You can only get a foster child if you can provide a room + dresser + bed. Pretty minimal, but more than my studio apt offers.

For months I’ve been wanting to take in a kid. I’m a 24 year old single woman (er..unmarried) which has disadvantages but there’s no doubt that I’m cut out for the job. I hope you two can become foster parents :)

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[HMC Rich]

I can’t say anything about being a foster parent, but I do know something about adoptions. The agency that we went through (WACAP) had people wanting children whether they were married men and women, gay or lesbian partners or single men or women. There are so many children in this country and the world that need parents.

Good Luck.

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[JoB]

chef,,,

there are too many children without homes…

i applaud you for making the decision to share your home with one of them..

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[JimmyG]

Start the state-mandated training now, it takes awhile to get through it and also allows you to talk with other foster parents.

WA state doesn’t care if you’re a same sex couple so no issue with that.

If you haven’t already I highly recommend visiting the foster parenting page of DSHS. I’m unaware of any other way to become a licensed foster parent in our state other than going through them.

Best of luck, it’s hard work.

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[Jack]

Hello–My spouse and I have been foster parents for about 6 years. We just discontinued our license this year after adopting one of the children we fostered. We were licensed through Lutheran Community Services.

WA State’s 36 hour training is inadequate and only really skims the surface of the issues you will encounter as foster parents.

Lutheran has a program that prepares you for probably EVERY possible behavior, emotion, etc. you will encounter not only with the child you foster but the “system” they are in. You are truly educated through this program. The program at Lutheran is free.

I mention this program because it is a “foster to adopt” program. The child you foster you agree to adopt. It is called concurrent planning. They plan to return the child home to their biological parent at the same time they plan for you to adopt the them. The children in this program are in it because they either have been placed in numerous homes or the situation is very serious. It is supposedly the child’s last stop in the system. Basically, the parents get a year+- to “clean up” OR their parental rights are teminated and you get adopt.

Approximately 20% of the children in this program go back home. 80% get adopted. Our first placement was returned home after 20 months of living with us. It was devastating, however the mother did clean up and did every program she was required to do to get her children back. In the end it was the best thing for their family to be re-united.

We waited a year after our child was returned home to grieve and get enough strength to do it again.

When we were ready we agreed to take another placement. After 3 months our child’s biological mother reliquished her parental rights and we started the process for adoption. It took about 8 months to complete.

The huge positive about taking the class through Lutheran is that by the end of the class you know absolutely what KIND of child you are willing to take. The state class you do not. After taking the class at Lutheran and you are licensed you will be offered the kind of child you have identified as a good fit for your family. You can turn down as many children as you want until the “Right” child is found for you. There are VERY many babies that come through the system. We were interested in a 2 or 3 year old. In the end we were offered a 4 year old who we then adopted at age 5.

A caution about fostering a baby:You may be required to visit the mother everyday to retain the bond and she may nurse. It can be really horrible to visit everyday.

If the reason for fostering is violence towards the child there is no visit required. If the child was born with a drug addiction the baby must detox before you can foster it. Babies can be a difficult choice when fostering. It can be very time consuming and exausting. I personally would only recommend it if there is one parent at home full time OR you have a day care that is very cooperative with visits, etc.

We scoped out MANY different agencies before choosing Lutheran. There are many agencies that are Christian based that are very intollerant of relationships that don’t include “a man and a woman”. Lutheran on the other-hand is the most accepting, inclusive, loving agency we came across. In our class there were two same sex couples, two people who were single, one couple who was mixed race and us (white heterosexual middle class couple)! There is no judgement or alienation towards anyone.

Catholic Community Services is very rigid in who they will take and suggest you raise your children in the Catholic faith.

The State doesn’t care about your religion, ethnic background or sexual orientation.

The benefit of going through a private agency is that you have a support system. Lutheran has “support group” once a month. You will be assigned a Lutheran social worker in addition to the DSFS (dept. of social and family services)worker. You have an advocate with Lutheran where you will not have one going directly through the state.

One piece of advice I have is this: You have to remember that as a foster parent you are actually an “employee of the state”. You do not have many rights as a foster parent. You can’t go out of state without permission from the bio parent which may take a court order. I think this has changed but a few years ago you can’t cut the child’s hair without permission. You can not go out of the country at all even with the parent’s permission, so no Victoria or Vancouver. The other thing is that you will be mandated to give the child “visits” with their parents. Which may mean, if there are two parents involved, two visits (any time of day) with them per week. We had to drive to Monroe every Friday at rush hour (for about 2 years) to visit with mom because she could not afford to drive to us or meet us half way. You don’t have a choice in this matter. I don’t know if the funding has been restored to get transportation included in your agreement. It was cut several years ago and we were required to do the transport after that. You do not get any say in where and when you do visits. For instance, it was my birthday, my parents were in town from out of state and it was FRIDAY and I wanted to switch the visit to Monday. NO way. WE were the ones who had to be consistent so they could build a case against the mother should she flake out and not show up at the agreed upon time and day. She always showed up. BUT there are many others who do not and if you do everything the social workers say and the parents don’t then there is a case to terminate their rights as parents.

As for costs…Lutheran charges 4% of your annual income when your adoption is COMPLETE, which for us was 4 years after our initial placement. It costs about $800 for legal services. You do need a lawyer to file the adoption. Any agency will have a list of them for you.

You will receive a stipend as a foster parent and the amount is based on the amount of time you are parenting above and beyond “normal” parenting. For instance: if you have a child who has a disability and is in a wheelchair and needs medical attention daily you would receive the highest amount, which the last time I knew, it was about $1200 per month. For “normal” parenting you get about $10 per day! $320ish per month. Not really enough to dress, feed, and take care of a child. We weren’t in it for the money!!!

Your child will get medical coupons to cover doctor, dentist, medicine, etc. This continues sometimes after they are adopted as well. You get a $10,000 tax deduction when you adopt. You may get a clothing voucher for about $200 to a place of your choice like Target or Fred Meyer for clothes and toiletries. Remember that the children are abrubtly taken from their home without any belongings. If there were drugs in the child’s home you probably don’t want their clothes because they may carry residue into your home which may be toxic. You may get a car seat voucher as well. BUT you must have a car seat before you pick them up.

The children are eligible for Treehouse visits. Treehouse is an organization that supports foster children with free used and new clothing, school supplies, toiletries, toys, books, etc.

If the child is under the age of 5 then they are eligible for WIC. With WIC you get basically food stamps for milk, eggs, cereal and I can’t remember what else. The social workers encourage you to do this because its another state agency that is monitoring your child so they can collect data on the child’s progress.

I don’t know what else to tell you. There is a lot more to it. You can email me privately at sewsewfast@aol.com to discuss it further and I can send you my phone number and we can talk on the phone. I am a huge foster parent advocate and it is very much worth the effort to become one.

Sincerely, Jack

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[angelescrest]

That was just amazing to read. What special people you are. Thank you for the information from one who has often wondered.

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[JL]

Hi Chef, I am a Visitation Supervisor for foster children and would be happy to answer any questions you may have. A great place for you to check out would be “Families Like Ours” http://www.familieslikeours.org. This org is “Devoted to the needs & support of non-traditional adoptive families”. The executive is David Wing-Kovarik. He runs the required foster parenting class and would be a great person to talk to about fostering. (206) 441-7602. I would highly recommend this org. for same-sex households.

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[chef]

First, thanks to all the well-wishers; we know we’re in for a long process and are looking forward to starting a family with children who could use the love and care that we have to give. I have experience working with some of these kids, so I do know the issues that can arise but we’re willing to try.

Jack – thank you so much for sharing your experiences and advice. We will definitely check out Lutheran Services and see what steps we need to take next. It sounds like the class is the first place to start – regardless of which agency we go with. I like your description of the support that Lutheran offers.

I’ve worked with foster kids that have to see their parents on a regular basis – even after they were sexually abused by that parent. The logic of the State on that one has always defied me. That will probably be the hardest thing for us – is having to watch a child go through that emotional roller coaster every time they see their parent. The behavioral issues always seem to surface right before or after the visit – sometimes both. Or the kids get themselves all worked up to see the parent and then they don’t show – just creates a lot of anger.

Jack I’ve got your email so I’ll drop you a line as we go through the process. Thanks for your offer:) And I agree with Angeles – it was an amazing read and you are very special parents!

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[chef]

Thanks JL – we will definitely contact him!

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[Jack]

One more plug for Lutheran…Their program has been studied by several other out of state agencies because they have been named as one of the best foster parent education programs in the nation including the way they manage the relationship between the foster parent and the bio parents.

Traditionally the foster parents and the bio parents do not meet. This program focuses on the relationship as a key to making the situation for the children the best it can be. The more they children know that there is a different way to live (with you) and the comparison is drawn between you and the bio parent then the reason for them being with you is confirmed as a good thing. The visits, no matter how good they are, are traumatic, babies included (they have very strong responses that manifest in a rigid body and crying all the time). If the child knows that you have a good relationship with their bio parents then they trust you more and don’t feel as conflicted about where they are.

I have become friends with our daughter’s bio mom. She is a beautiful lady who has serious addiction issues stemming from childhood abuse. It wasn’t her choice to be abused as a child. She struggles with it every day. We email and talk on the phone. BUT, she hasn’t seen her daughter for 2 years. We told her unless she can be a consistent person in her life she can’t see her. She respects that. The rule is that she needs to be sober for 30 days and have a place to live. She made it 8 months but couldn’nt keep the consistency part and she knew it. So we have kept in touch but that’s it.

I forget who dubbed Lutheran the best but it was rather prestigious. They have had social workers from other agencies come and study their program so they can emulate it.

I am not saying this to diminish in any way the familieslikeours.org program because their program is very good as well. I have recommended them to several other people. I only recommend Lutheran specifically because if you intend to adopt, this program is geared toward that. Foster parenting in general is just that, fostering. The children are intended to return home. Foster to adopt is another animal. But your first step, in my opinion, is to get educated and be sure of what you want and who you want in your life.

You are absolutely correct about the roller coaster. We always told our first foster daughter that we were going to play at the social worker’s office. I never said that we were going to see mom. Then mom would show up and that was that. Then just about when we were due to see the mom again is when she was recovered from the last visit. During that week would be tantrums, eating problems, and talking about the visit. Regardless of what has happened to them or around them they love their parents. Even if they were abused. So, now they are with you and they find a life without drugs and abuse and they are confused as to why if they were loved by their parent would they get treated that way. Then there is anger and sadness. It’s a hard road.

I am willing to answer any questions you might have. It’s a hard job and for those who are willing to take it on are rewarded two fold!

–Jack

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