Home › Forums › Open Discussion › Anyone for a chuckle?
- This topic is empty.
-
AuthorPosts
-
January 30, 2008 at 4:41 pm #586313
cruiserMemberThere were three Texan surgeons playing a round of golf. As they’re walking down the fairway, they strike up a conversation and the first surgeon says, ” I reckon I’m the best surgeon in the world”. The other two enquire why and the first surgeon says, “I had a patient brought to me recently who had lost both his hands in an industrial accident. I sewed them back on and today that man has an audience to play the piano for Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth”.
The second surgeon scoffs at this and says,”that’s nothing. Why I had a patient who lost both his arms in an automobile accident and I sewed them back on. At the last Olympic Games that man won a Gold Medal in the Field events”.
The third surgeon says, “that’s nothing. Several years ago a cowboy, high on alcohol and drugs, was riding his horse down a railroad track and collided with an oncoming express train. All I had to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Today that man is President of the USA.
January 30, 2008 at 8:11 pm #614436
JoBParticipantLOL… now that is a texas sized joke!
not so respectful of the office…but one can question whether the president in question has been so respectful himself.
some days you just need a little comic relief!
January 30, 2008 at 9:57 pm #614437
KenParticipantI don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.’
— Bob Newhart
January 31, 2008 at 4:18 am #614438
TheHouseMemberIf you notice, I’ve been very quiet on this Blog the past few weeks. That is because I am pissed off with the fact that I am repeatedly censored (by deletion of posts) despite the fact that I do not make any obscene or patently offensive comments. I truly believe becuase I seem to have a difference in opinion than 90% of the readers out there in my political views that I’m held to different standards.
Case in point…
The last post that I wrote that was deleted was about Christine Gregoire. I called her a “toolshed”. This is a far cry from inferring that the President of the United States is a “Horses Ass”. This is clearly a joke, but so was my statement. If you considered my comment offensive, then how do you not consider several of the above equally offensive?
WSB, I really enjoy your site and commend you for all of the work you’ve put into your site and success that you’ve had. As one of your first readers and contributors, I’d like to stick around for years (and give Jan reason to raise her blood pressure)but it’s difficult being held to different standards.
January 31, 2008 at 4:38 am #614439
JanSParticipantbut….but….cruiser was just stating a fact ;-) I, for one, have missed you on here…not because I like to give you s**t, but because we shouldn’t all march in lockstep with one opinion. I’d love to hear some responses of yours on the election forum…I know darned well that you have some opinions to share there. Yes, I realize that most of it is about Dems, and the caucuses, but we need you to keep us on our toes :)
Sorry you’ve felt slighted…for whatever reason :(
January 31, 2008 at 5:00 am #614440
WSBKeymasterForum and comments are different. We’ll write that into our policy too. Thought it was obvious, but maybe not. As already stated in our policy, however, we reserve the right to delete or edit any comment or post at any time for any reason, though we do that quite infrequently. And on the other side, everyone who visits this site reserves the right to decide our policy doesn’t work for them and they don’t want to visit this site any more. We know we run that risk, we would regret it, but we would certainly understand it. We have a pretty open policy; there continue to be news sites that don’t allow comments on most stories at all (Seattle Times, a case in point) and don’t have forums, while other sites tread quite heavily in moderating/editing/deleting comments. 99.9999% of what is posted to this site goes through as is. Also, I am moving this post to open discussion, as it is not a “reader recommendation” post, which is what this section of the forum is for.
January 31, 2008 at 5:54 am #614441
cruiserMemberJanuary 31, 2008 at 6:40 am #614442
JanSParticipantok…let me see if I can lighten it up a little in here :)
forgive if this offends anyone :P
January 31, 2008 at 1:19 pm #614443
KenParticipantI thought this was a joke thread. Surely House has some to share.
I have some that are politically incorrect and might need a bit of editing to post on a public forum.
January 31, 2008 at 2:54 pm #614444
cruiserMemberJanuary 31, 2008 at 3:26 pm #614445
KenParticipantIn light of the lessons taught in that video, here is a little Irony to wash it down with.
Republicans Speak Out on War
The following quotes were made by Republicans during the Kosovo campaign.
“You can support the troops but not the president.” –
Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)
“[The] president is once again releasing American military might on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will cost. And he has not informed our nation’s armed forces about how long they will be away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound foreign policy.” –
Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA)
“American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery. Simply put, the administration is trying to lead the world with a feel-good foreign policy.” –
Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)
“If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy.” –
Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of George W. Bush
“I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the beginning. I didn’t think we had done enough in the diplomatic area.” –
Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)
“Well, I just think it’s a bad idea. What’s going to happen is they’re going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20 years.” –
Joe Scarborough (R-FL)
“I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches us that it is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just learning that lesson right now. The president began this mission with very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month later, these questions are still unanswered. There are no clarified rules of engagement. There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition of victory. There is no contingency plan for mission creep. There is no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our overextended military. There is no explanation defining what vital national interests are at stake. There was no strategic plan for war when the president started this thing, and there still is no plan today.” –
Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their life.” –
Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99
“Victory means exit strategy, and it’s important for the president to explain to us what the exit strategy is.” –
Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)
“This is President Clinton’s war, and when he falls flat on his face, that’s his problem.” –
Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN)
“Bombing a sovereign nation for ill-defined reasons with vague objectives undermines the American stature in the world. The international respect and trust for America has diminished every time we casually let the bombs fly.” –
Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)
“I think it’s also important for the president to lay out a timetable as to how long they will be involved and when they will be withdrawn.”
-George W. Bush, 6/5/99
“It doesn’t make any sense to have a timetable. You know, if you give a timetable, you’re conceding too much to the enemy.”
-George W. Bush, 6/24/05
January 31, 2008 at 4:45 pm #614446
cruiserMemberMy contribution to your day,enjoy:)
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel arrangements, so the husband flew to Florida ahead of his wife, who planned to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel and, unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without noticing his error, sent the message.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral, and was reading her emails – expecting messages from relatives and friends. After opening the first message, she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen, which read as follows:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday 15th November 2007
Subject: I Have Arrived!!!!
Dearest Love,
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
PS It sure is hot down here!!!
January 31, 2008 at 6:30 pm #614447
flipjackParticipantKEN,
Speaking of humor. If you or anyone don’t or DO like country music then check this out: http://www.myspace.com/lonesomebill
January 31, 2008 at 9:42 pm #614448
KenParticipantDamn that was painful…
:)
It could have been interesting but the recording was so mangled my woofer rattled the china cabinet so bad I had to flee.
February 3, 2008 at 5:55 am #614449
JanSParticipantA bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an
oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they
stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. ‘I want to be gorgeous,’ and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says ‘I want to be gorgeous too.’ Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing
his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
‘Make ’em all ugly again.’
REMEMBER: NEXT TIME YOU’RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY
February 4, 2008 at 4:06 pm #614450
KenParticipantCalvin: I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What’s misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I’m a genius.
February 4, 2008 at 4:17 pm #614451
JoBParticipantLOL… I’m with calvin
February 4, 2008 at 5:02 pm #614452
addParticipantQ: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
A: Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
February 4, 2008 at 5:34 pm #614453
JoBParticipantFebruary 4, 2008 at 6:33 pm #614454
JoBParticipantSomething finally came in my mailbox that is clean enough to post.. with a little editing of course:)
Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an a….. “my editing”
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibid o: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
So… how about a contest using the above in some sort of almost meaningful fashion ;-)
I’m first:0
While promoting intaxication he encountered sharcasm. Utilizing the dopelar effect he generated bozone, his hipititis causing her to wonder if this Ignoranus had suffered reintarnation.. finally triggering karmageddon..
i know someone else can do better. have at it!
February 6, 2008 at 4:32 pm #614455
JoBParticipantok.. lighter:)
A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a Female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.That’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile , or 3 1,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That’s 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive! past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don’t think so.
He..he..he.. I am woman, hear me roar:)
February 6, 2008 at 7:04 pm #614456
AnonymousInactiveOk, Job….
He was usually known as glibid o, however, even after a day of decafalon, he was feeling intaxication and considered using foreploy at the pub to raise his spirits. As he entered, he had a feeling of hipatits. However, after surveying the other patrons, he suddenly felt the Dopeler effect come over him. He quickly turned caterpallor and exited the pub the same ignoranus as when he entered.
February 6, 2008 at 9:17 pm #614457
JoBParticipantFebruary 6, 2008 at 10:22 pm #614458
WSMomParticipantHeard last night on the Colbert Report:
Mitt Romney is making a real case for himself, with his soaring rhetoric he has explained that he understands the importance of the Reagan legacy to the Republican party. Romney says he understands we want to live in the house that Reagan built. Now, what’s so great about the house that Reagan built? Well, first of all Reagan built it in the hardest possible way. Using supply side economics you build the top floor first, you prop it up with homeless people, and you hope the rest of the house trickles down.
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=156054
February 6, 2008 at 11:21 pm #614459
AnonymousInactiveJoB, imagine that! Smart AND funny!
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.