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May 28, 2011 at 3:28 am #599074
yes2wsParticipantWould you leave your current love at home while you and your kids go camping for two nights with your ex? That just seems so wrong; not to mention disrespectful. I’m all for the kids seeing their divorced parents interacting, etc., but this just seems a bit much.
May 28, 2011 at 4:12 pm #725197
yeah-meParticipantThat would depend on so many things: how old are your kids? How long have you been dating the new guy? Does your ex have a girlfriend too? How long have you been divorced? Do you all have a happy and open relationship?
Personally, I think your kids should come first. Is your honey so insecure that he can’t trust you to go camping with your kids and your ex?
May 28, 2011 at 5:06 pm #725198
DPMemberUnless everybody is very cool with this arrangement (which I doubt), the person who is leaving his/her current at home to go out with the ex is begging to be dumped.
There are a few situations where it’s acceptable for ex’s to get together with the kids.
Family emergencies, graduations or gift-giving ceremonies, parent-teacher conferences: Yes.
Camping: No. Definitely no.
Sounds like somebody out there needs to have some boundaries set for them. And soon.
Sincerely,
The Ghost of Ann Landers
May 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm #725199
yes2wsParticipantI’m the current love, and have been for the past couple of years. I’m completely okay with, and even encourage get-togethers with the ex for anything and everything by day.. [holidays, picnics, performances, dinners, etc.,] but two nights sleeping as a family under one tent with my not being included for the sake of the kids memories of camping trips past? This just seems terribly inconsiderate and even disrespectful to me. The ex doesn’t have a current love interest, but that really has no bearing on how I feel, as it’s not at all a trust issue, but rather one of respect and consideration.
Since I don’t have kids of my own, I thought I’d pose this question for you all to see if I’m somehow not seeing this clearly.
I appreciate your input. Thanks!
May 28, 2011 at 9:44 pm #725200
ws4everMemberHe is considering his ex’s feelings over yours, which, after a few years of relationship, definitely is unhealthy for your ongoing relationship. Seems like she “owns the territory” rather than you. Personally, I would start looking for someone who will put your feelings first. You are not asking for too much, to be included in the events to be remembered.
May 28, 2011 at 9:52 pm #725201
charlabobParticipantI’ve been the current love and here’s how I look at it: the kids, plus the ex, plus your love are still *a family*. As long as the kids are young enough to all camp together in a tent, that’s the way it is.
You can make an extended family but, for the sake of the kids, that’s *their* famly. This took a lot of thinking on my part (and a lot of dumping people who didn’t put me first.) So I don’t claim it’s easy.
BTW,the bob half has a kid who’s 41 — that works too :-)
May 28, 2011 at 10:15 pm #725202
ws4everMemberI don’t have kids, so maybe not aware enough of their needs.
I do know that an almost-mother-in-law returned some furniture that I’d picked out with a fiance for our house-to-be, and I knew that her need to decide what was in her son’s life, and her son’s willingness to let her do this, was not workable for me. Best decision I ever made, even though otherwise it would have seemed a perfect match.
I think you’re wise to consider what is a reasonable compromise for your life, and what is or becomes a relationship where you are the one always making the compromises.
May 29, 2011 at 12:21 am #725203
cclarueMemberI do have kids and so does my current love, but there is no way from either point of view that this is a good idea! No no no he can’t go camping in a tent over night with the ex! that should have been a consideration prior to divorcing, that these type of events as a family are over. How on earth does that show the kids that you two are a couple and if you are in it for the long haul you are now part of the kids lives. It sounds like your love has no backbone to do the right thing by you if that is the case it’s time to evaluate the relationship. You don’t want to have your life run by the ex !! They are an ex for a reason.
May 29, 2011 at 3:41 am #725204
JanSParticipantand please remember that kids are smarter than you might think they are. They will see through the facade quicker than you think. I’m thinking back to my divorce, which did not end on the best of terms. My daughter was 15. No more camping, no more family trips, camping or otherwise, unless it was with separate parents. Yes, he was her family, and yes, I was her family, but we were no longer a “family unit”. But a new love is also an interloper, and doesn’t exactly make the child feel comfortable, either. My child had “others” shoved down her throat. If it was lunch with dad, the other was there. If the other had child,/children, it was even more resentful, as my child felt he cared more for the new child (may or may not have been true = all a matter of perception).
Camping with my ex? Surely, there are more fun things to do in the world.Let him do it on his own, no ex involved. That’s special. And make yourself heard. If he discounts how you feel, he’s only temporary for you. Move on.
May 29, 2011 at 3:59 am #725205
JoBParticipantI can see where the new trend of divorced parents co-parenting their kids could make joint camping trips feasible…
it’s a good thing to have both parents involved in their kid’s lives…
but when new partners are expected to shoulder some of the burden of co-parenting..
i think they also should get to participate in the fun.
May 29, 2011 at 5:36 am #725206
SpeakLoudMemberAh the new dicorce-we’re divorced but lets pretend we are not ‘for the kids sake’-give me a break-this is not healthy nor fun. If the single mom wants to go camping with the kids go ahead-you’re not completly incapable-unless you are and if that’s the case-you should have thought of that before you got divorced!
May 29, 2011 at 5:59 am #725207
CaitParticipantAs the child of separated parents who are still very close, it means a LOT to me that they still go out to dinner sometimes and are still close friends, and I am 24 years old. When you enter into a relationship with a person who has an ex-wife and kids, I’m sorry, you have to know what you’re in for. There are not always exceptions that are going to be made for you and they are not always appropriate. And yes, as a “child” we do see someone in your position as an interloper. It takes a lot for us to think otherwise, even as adults, but if you’ve put in that time and this is the thanks you’re getting, that’s rough and it can’t feel good.
Some things to think about – are they really sleeping in the same tent or are you overreacting and perhaps jumping to conclusions? Were you expressly not invited? Not to make any judgments or anything, but have you perhaps done something recently (or ever) that could be seen as disrespectful to their former family unit that perhaps someone influential in the mix expressly may not care how you feel about the situation and/or schedule a bonding experience in spite? If the answer is no, then I think you have the right to ask some serious questions here.
You are in a brave and delicate situation to be with someone who is still close to the mother of their children but understand that if there is nothing torrid going on that you should be very proud of his ability to maintain that relationship. It’s not always going to be comfortable but know that in many cases your comfort won’t always and shouldn’t always come first (there are children to think about) but that being said… if it feels fishy… it’s worth having a talk about.
May 29, 2011 at 6:22 am #725208
SonomaParticipantI’ll keep it short and simple, yes2ws: You’re right. It’s wrong and disrespectful.
May 29, 2011 at 7:04 am #725209
chrismaParticipantPersonally, I think couples should have to submit a “divorce plan” before being granted a marriage license or civil union, the terms of which they will be legally bound to in the event of a dissolution of the relationship.
It is plain ridiculous the crap the divorcing couples put each other and their kids through, so often.
May 29, 2011 at 12:22 pm #725210
yes2wsParticipantAs JoB identified.. they’re co-parenting. It puts them in eachother’s lives at least a few times each week, and that’s okay, but what I’m not happy about are the overnight camping trips.
Yes, they share one tent; and yes, I’m expressly not invited. Their mom has gone to great lengths to NOT have me “shoved down the kids throats”. I can respect that [and do] but to see her go on this overnight camping trip each year as though the divorce never happened is extremely difficult.
I appreciate your thoughts. It’s helping to confirm what deep down I already know.
May 29, 2011 at 12:38 pm #725211
yes2wsParticipantPS.. ws4ever.. I admire the decision you made in regards to a near-perfect relationship and an overly involved future mother-in-law.
May 29, 2011 at 3:08 pm #725212
JoBParticipantyes2ws…
ah.. the mom is choosing to exclude you..
after 2 years.. you are not being shoved down anyone’s throat but mom’s who may have an agenda of her own.
successful co-parenting includes new significant others..
married or not.
as has been pointed out..
the guy who makes a habit out of not standing up for you..
isn’t likely to do so when it counts.
May 29, 2011 at 4:13 pm #725213
waynsterParticipantLets see camping with the ex…..nope nope might as well kiss a viper I have had enough blood suck out me. As for the doing it for the kids idea…someone slap me out of that nitemare. Unless ones divorce is perfect then co-parenting might I repeat might work under perfect conditions and they are few and far in between.
May 30, 2011 at 6:46 pm #725214
localmanParticipantThe stars are out, a crackling fire, bottle of vino………
Conversely: Its been raining all day, kids have been rowdy and finally went to sleep, crackling fire bottle of vino…….
May 30, 2011 at 8:01 pm #725215
DPMemberWhat SpeakLoud said.
Whenever I hear a divorced parent going on about all he’s doing on the co-parenting front and how chummy he is with the ex, etc., I wanna stop him and go, “So tell me again . . . why exactly did you split up?”
Okay, maybe a divorce was the best thing for all, considering the circumstances. But pretending you’re a couple again once a year on a camping trip won’t wash. In the long run, it’ll only confuse the kids and make things harder than they already are.
America: Quit trying to eat your cake and have it too.
âDP (Still Channeling Ann)
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