The Truth About Cats. Period.

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    Look, I love cats, but I’m not blind to their faults. And I’m not going to pull any punches.

    Cats are supposed to be so zen. Like they’re somehow above this world and all its cares, right?

    No, that’s NOT right. Materialistic little bastards is what they are. Someone here called them “catipalists.” Damn straight.

    It doesn’t seem to matter how much crap cats have; they want MORE. They could have summer cottages by the lake. They could have ministorage units crammed full of toys. They could have million-dollar trust funds.

    What more could they possibly want? I’ll tell you what they want.

    They want a bite (one bite) out of every chocolate chip cookie in the batch you just took out of the oven.

    They want to know how many licks it takes to get the center of a stick of butter. Or just how many it takes to make you throw the stick away. (Answer: 1)

    They want that box of Christmas ornaments you made the mistake of packing away while they were watching.

    They want that fragile heirloom souvenir thingy you set on the tippy-top shelf of the bookcase. [What is that thing? —Doesn’t matter really. If it moves, makes noise, or reflects light in any way, they WANT it. In pieces if necessary. Down on the floor. Right now.]



    What do cats want? Oh not much, really.

    Just everything YOU own.

    [For PS and TG]




    DP, you say all this as if it’s a bad thing.

    [I’m a slave to a cat … he made me write this]



    One of my favorite authors once put it thusly: “What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine, what I see can be mine if I can get my paws on it!”

    My cat is old and cranky, so he doesn’t want much. Just fresh food in his dish on demand, sunshine 24-7, and immediate access to my lap whenever the inclination strikes him, which is usually about three minutes before I have to get up to do something else.




    My cat always wants to be pet — but he also won’t allow me to touch him anywhere but between his ears. How does THAT work?

    Prrrrrrr. Prrrrrrr. Swat! Prrrrrrr.



    no interior door may be closed at any time.



    Like waiters hovering at a fancy restaurant, my cats are ever solicitous of my dining enjoyment.

    At the least sign that something might be lacking, they’re right there at the elbow, sniffing the eggs to make sure they’ve been properly cooked or stroking the salad with a quizzical paw, looking up at me as if to say:

     Would you care for a little poop on that, sir?

     Some fresh-ground cat litter, perhaps?




    lolol….have you ever offered your cat some orange? Mine curls his lip up ala Elvis, sniffs, turns and runs away – lolol…guess cats don’t like citrus…

    but chicken? he’s there, reaching a paw up to tap me on the shoulder,, me first !



    Citrus oil is toxic to cats, so, no surprise yours doesn’t want any!

    My cat is very interested in whatever I’m eating. He’s always asking me if I’m gonna eat that.



    Actual conversation in our home last week.

    Me: “Max (the cat) doesn’t always eat the chunks in his seafood stew. Do you think I should puree it for him?”

    Husband: “Seriously?”



    Jan, my cat craves any food that I’m eating that isn’t a typical cat craving food – like today I was eating blueberries with vegan whipped cream (which is essentially coconut oil and almond/cashew cream) and he was trying to stick his head in the bowl to eat it and was fighting me for it when I pulled it away. Seriously? He ignored my husband’s tuna, but wanted my dessert. He’s not right in the head. :)



    To be fair, cats do have their endearments. How is it possible to NOT love a creature that makes a deep, involuntary rumbling sound whenever you caress it? None of my girlfriends ever did as much as that, I can tell you.

    Oh, there was one (Clementine Durkin) who produced this wheezy coughing kind of noise whenever we made out. But I wouldn’t have called that a purr, exactly. And to this day, I’m not sure whether Clementine was actually aroused, or just allergic . . .




    Boris the Himilayan like Zippy’s fries. If we go to Zippy’s, we must place the bag of fries on the coffee table and look the other way while Boris carefully considers which fry to filch. He gently pulls it out of the bag between his teeth and then hides under the coffee table to eat it. He usually gets through three fries before he’s full. I’m trying to figure an angle to get some free food at Zippy’s in exchange for Boris’s endorsement.



    Ya know I have to many cat to list their quirks. Lords knows they have plenty of them.

    I just know they love me and I don’t know what I would do with out them. (and my dogs of course)




    About heat seeking organisms, I mean cats, Mark Twain once said “A house is not a home without a cat.”

    I like to think of it as a Zen rock garden [litter box] and rake not scoop. Signed . . . the staff



    This conversation came as JUST THE RIGHT TIME. My cat of 15 years who I LOVE has been getting on my last nerve the last few days for all the reasons mentioned here(especially emmyjane’s husband) Thanks all for reminding me that she can’t help being a cat. I shall return for some much needed advice re. said cat.



    Amazing how “DP” and “DBP” will comment on the same thread! I wonder if they are both cat persons? I would like to believe that they both are pro cats.

    Hmm…. perhaps I should be “Kevin” and “Kevin1” and then I can post and counter post too :)



    PS – please keep in mind that as a card carrying “genuine red head” it is my JOB in life to “stir the pot.” I’m one of those folks who throws a little gasoline on the campfire and then steps back to see what happens…

    Any comments from DP and / or DBP ?

    All in good fun folks :)



    I am now convinced that both DP and DBP are (at least part) feline…

    They have little paw keyboards with kitty litter grates, milk bowl disk drive, and meow recognition software to log into the forum…

    Their scratching post has a paw-drawn picture of Kootchman for those really vexing days…

    DP is the dominant male of the of course…watch him lift his tail on the home theater speakers…


    The Velvet Bulldog

    Back in the day, while still living at Mum’s house, I was sitting longways on the couch, reading the newspaper with a bowl of cheese tortellini in red sauce sitting next to me. Suddenly, mum says, “Don’t move!” While sitting very still and wondering, “wtf?” mum started snapping photos. My black and white cat had positioned himself just behind me on the couch and was reaching his paw into the tortellini bowl to hook a tortellini onto his claw, pull it back and munch it down. He couldn’t deny it–we had it on film. I’m not sure which surprised me more: that he figured out how to be so sneaky, or that the damn cat was eating tortellini.



    You give a dog a warm home, feed them, give them your love and attention and they look at you and say, “You are wonderful, you must be my King or Queen”

    You give a cat a warm home, feed them, give them your love and attention and they look at you and say, “You are wonderful, I must be your King or Queen”…

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