Fire-jerks

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  • #817847

    Fiddlehead
    Member

    To the people on SW Holden near California who spent last night shooting off personal fireworks despite the obvious distress it caused your neighbors – you must be very proud. While you were figuratively giving us the finger, we stood by watching your little display, hoping the sparks wouldn’t burn down our homes. Happy 4th, indeed.

    #825494

    Jeannie
    Participant

    Is it evil of me to wish that some of these clowns lose a finger or two when they shoot their wads? Not necessarily an important finger like a thumb, but perhaps the middle finger?

    #825495

    Bonnie
    Participant

    Nice neighbors. Do you know where they live?

    #825496

    Fiddlehead
    Member

    Yes, we know where they live. We all stood and watched and they couldn’t have cared less. I suppose they didn’t need to, given the lack of enforcement (police were called but never showed up).

    And if one of them lost the middle finger they were effectively flashing at the neighborhood, I wouldn’t shed a tear!

    #825497

    anonyme
    Participant

    Same thing in my neighborhood (Arbor Heights). I saw one of these cretins set off a rocket that immediately dropped over onto a neighbor’s roof, still intact and in flames. Even more genius was the fact that he held his toddler in front of him as he lit the rocket. I immediately went and told my neighbor about the rocket on the roof. I had planned to go and confront this idiot, but he was in a gang of about 10 people, mostly drunk young guys, on a street we know locally as “Stupid Street”. If I’d had a camera I would have turned him in for child endangerment.

    I have noticed that fireworks aficionados tend to follow a certain ‘type’ of, shall we say, hindered development. I’ve surmised that they must derive some kind of primitive pleasure out of the echoing vibrations that the explosions create within the vast emptiness of their craniums.

    #825498

    pelicans
    Participant

    Jeannie, I have to laugh. I chastised myself several times around 12:30 this morning when inconsiderate jerks were setting off BIG fireworks, aiming some of them toward our house. Only I pictured them losing hands. And then I felt guilty and bad. As I was about to call the police, they showed up on the street using loud hailers and spotlights to clear the crowds and order them to leave. The ones near our house must have had something to hide because as soon as the cops showed up, they ran for their car and hastily departed. Blissful quiet ensued, but I still feel a tad guilty. Like you I should have just wished for the loss of middle fingers…

    #825499

    anonyme
    Participant

    I’d like it even better if they had the thing they “shoot their wads” with blown off. That way, we wouldn’t have to worry about them breeding.

    Who says Neanderthals are extinct?

    #825500

    pelicans
    Participant

    Anon, You’re insulting Neanderthals ;-)

    #825501

    pelicans
    Participant

    Double post-sorry.

    #825502

    anonyme
    Participant

    pelicans – hahahaha!

    you are so right.

    #825503

    Fiddlehead
    Member

    True. Neanderthals would have understood the danger of sending flaming projectiles across a neighborhood as dry as a tinderbox. Not these turd hammers.

    #825504

    anonyme
    Participant

    “Turd hammer”?!!!

    I LOVE you guys…

    #825505

    Fiddlehead
    Member

    Well, the image of them being swung by their feet into piles of cow patties is rather appealing…in a twisted, rural Kansas kind of way.

    #825506

    pelicans
    Participant

    OMG!! Am laughing so hard, I can’t breathe!!

    #825507

    KatherineL
    Participant

    “the echoing vibrations that the explosions create within the vast emptiness of their craniums”

    Love it, Anonyme!

    #825508

    JanS
    Participant
    #825509

    Kimberley
    Participant

    Did you contact the manager of Neanderthals and Turd Hammer and lodge a complaint before posting to the blog?

    Why am I not surprised that there firework related injuries in Lebanon, Me? There’s nothing there but a sky diving business and a bunch of rednecks who go four-wheeling in the snow. They even voted out the county sheriff about two decades ago – morons.

    #825510

    anonyme
    Participant

    Oh, Fiddlehead – the more twisted the better, IMO. You’ve inspired a little reverie on the nature of cow pats.

    Actually, I think there are at least two types of these. There are cow pats, or patties, which are the dessicated variety. Then there are cow pies, which are the juicy fresh ones. Of course, you must be cautious with the former, as they can sometimes appear to be dry and well-browned on the outside, yet still have a fresh green interior – much like leftover pesto left in the fridge too long.

    Your reference to rural Kansas brought to mind a practice you may be familiar with. Dairy farmers sometimes plant a cover crop called “Sudex” which also serves as forage for dairy cows. The origin of the term “green manure” may well have had it’s roots with this practice, for the profound effects on the digestive systems of cattle. Suffice it to say that you do not want to be the one doing the milking on a Sudex grazing day. The sight of a projectile six-foot stream of bright green manure is one you never forget – especially if it is aimed at your head. And so, a slight lift of the tail becomes a cue to leap for cover.

    But I digress. This is where turd hammers come in. It occurred to me that a dried pat just wouldn’t do, so my twisted brain has come up with an alternative punishment for fireworks violators. I call it “double dipping”. See where I’m going? However, I don’t think a hammer would suffice; I’m thinking…plunger. I wonder how many head first, full immersion dips in Sudex soup it would take to dissuade scofflaws from committing future violations?

    Maybe none. I like the visuals, though.

    #825511

    pelicans
    Participant

    I vividly remember learning to milk at my cousin’s farm not that long ago. While making my approach to the designated cow, I stepped ankle-deep into a minutes-fresh steaming pie. My cousin’s husband washed it off, but the sight and smell stayed with me to this day. So “turd hammers” for these fire jerks it is. The mental image just makes me smile.

    #825512

    waynster
    Participant

    Ahhhh the sweet smell of dairy air….!!! I enjoyed going to the farm in Arlington to visit my Uncles and my grandmothers farm cow pies was just a small part lmao…..

    #825513

    anonyme
    Participant

    Firejerks and turdhammers.

    Brilliant.

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