Just words

[cbof]

I have to start off saying that I’m extremely nervous posting this on here. But I’ve been encouraged, being that this was an upsetting thing that happened to me in our community, so I’m going for it. This is not a rant, and I would personally appreciate it not being treated as so. I hope that it will only bring about contemplative conversation and maybe some minute change for the better.

On Wednesday, (just the day before hearing Michelle Obama’s speech), I was verbally harassed pretty badly by a man in a vehicle, while I was out running on Alki. It was definitely not the first time this sort of thing has happened. I stood up for myself pretty well this time, actually. Specifically, after the second time he cat-called me in 2 miles, I stopped, turned around, and said, “Cat-calling is not a compliment, it makes me feel objectified.” He proceeded to yell some pretty nasty things at me, and later catch up to me in his vehicle and follow me for about a block continuing the yelling and name-calling. I didn’t stop, but yelled back, “If you keep talking to me I’m going to call the police, you’re harassing me.” And he eventually drove away. There were a bunch of people around the whole time. I was scared and angry, but felt I had to do my best not to show it. Because they were “just words.” I think it’s got to be hard to really understand the impact of such words if you have not had them said directly to you in a moment of true fear and threat. Even as I write this, I automatically think of all the potential reactions: “Why were you running alone? What were you wearing? What did you say or do to provoke him? What exactly did he say? It couldn’t have been that bad. You got lucky. Take it as a compliment. It could have been worse. He just didn’t know what to say to you. Boys will be boys. Men just can’t help themselves. Can’t you take a joke? He probably just thought you were hot. He was probably trying to impress his friend. Do you think you accomplished anything by standing up for yourself? You know you can’t change how he thinks, so why say anything? Forgive and forget. I guess all you can do is let it go. You probably made it worse. You should have ______. Etc.” I like to think that most people don’t want this to be the reality of daily life for women, so the easy reaction is to explain it away. It’s also shocking, and most of the time I think people don’t know what to do or say. This is just part of an overwhelmingly huge and extremely long-term problem. Problem-solving requires action. Words are actions. Please don’t excuse words when they hurt, humiliate, objectify, threaten, or belittle people. They’re not “just words.” Some things to say instead: “I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. That’s not right. You’re right, it isn’t fair. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.” It’s a start.

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[JoB]

I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. That’s not right. You’re right, it isn’t fair. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.

I thought we fought this fight and won in the 70s .. it breaks my heart that we didn’t.

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[JanS]

:'(

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[TanDL]

I am so sorry you had to deal with this. This should not have happened and you have every right to immediately call the police or say whatever you need to say to make the harassment stop. This is not a case of “just words” either. This is a case of a complete stranger stopping to comment on your looks, then following you, stalking if you will, while verbally harassing you. This is not only inappropriate, it’s inexcusable and unacceptable. Thank you for posting your story and feel free to file a report with the police about this person!

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[Jeannie]

How infuriating! There’s nothing “manly” about creeps who harass women. Sadly, it’s all too common. Thank you for sharing this.

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[zephyr]

cbof, I am sorry that this happened to you. This was not “just words”. He was verbally harassing you. You mentioned Michelle Obama’s speech. I had heard about it, then saw an article in the Washington Post yesterday. They published a clip of that 9 minute segment where she talks about how recent conversations about national disrespect for women have affected her. This is a very powerful and inspiring video. Here’s the article and embedded video. (Note: the video clip is a bit slow to load and you must stop it for a few minutes until it loads at least halfway.) https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/on-leadership/wp/2016/10/14/michelle-obamas-epic-new-hampshire-speech-was-a-master-class-in-speaking-from-the-gut/

I hope this link works.

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[williamf64]

Yes, I am of course sorry to hear about that.
But you ran into ” Crazy ” ! That’s it.
Let’s not pretend that now it is not safe to go for a jog in Seattle.

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[JTB]

It’s not entirely clear how aware of the harassment the other people were, but I would hope they’d at least have made themselves obvious to the driver or otherwise acted to disrupt him. Just checking in with you would probably be enough to deter someone with bad intentions.

Good on ya for standing up and for sharing this.

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[seaopgal]

How do you know, William — or why do you think — that “crazy” is not also “unsafe”? Each person has the right to make her own decision about whether or not an activity is safe, and no one here is “pretending” anything.

cbof, I think you handled a bad situation very well, and appreciate your taking the next step to talk about it … for yourself and to help others understand.

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[JoB]

williamf64..
it’s apparent that you have no idea how often that kind of “crazy” escalates
or how often women have to endure that kind of “crazy” walking down our city streets.

tonight I (a 67 year old woman) felt unsafe walking my dog after dinner in a parking lot in downtown… with reason.

I think i still look pretty good for my age… but i don’t think i am attractive enough to encourage the kind of comments that were made to me tonight.

thankfully all i had to say was .. he bites.. while yuki strained at his leash.

Apparently, there are a lot of crazies out there…

I shouldn’t have to rely on the protection of my dog simply because i happened to be alone after dark in the middle of Belltown. No woman should.

and that is the point.

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[AJP]

And there it is, proving your point, “you ran into crazy and that’s it.” “It wasn’t that bad, let it go, it could have been worse, you can’t change it so why say anything…” The sad thing is, this is not the first time that has happened to you (I’m pretty sure), nor is it the second, third, fourth, fifth….and it won’t be the last. Things like that have happened to me so many times, since I was at least 10 years old, that I cannot count them, and I only remember very specific details of maybe 20 of them. How many times have I ran into crazy? Hundreds of times. Hundreds of crazies. That’s it.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by AJP.

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[JTB]

AJP. You appear to be confused. I think you meant to say that JoB proved williamf64’s “That’s it” point but in fact her anecdote clearly demonstrated “that’s it” ain’t it. You overlooked two critical details that can’t be ignored in an honest assessment of the situation: her verbal warning and the dog directing attention at the harasser.

So that gets to the real issue about encountering obviously disturbed people—-how you deal with it matters. In most cases, moving on is probably the preferable option. (That’s it) But there are other instances where that option isn’t available or prudent. Are you telling us that in your hundreds of times you have encountered someone you thought was crazy you never once told them to back off, go away, piss off or otherwise made clear you didn’t want to be bothered? Or is that way of responding in line with your notion of what is included in “that’s it?”

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[JoB]

AJP

It has been worse.
Aside from being harassed and groped in public spaces for no other reason than i happened to be female..
I was repeatedly molested as a child by someone who should have protected me.
I have been raped more than once… a couple of times by “nice” guys who were introduced to me by friends… that friends with bonus thing they call date rape.
I was even abducted by knifepoint off a city street on my way to catch a bus by a man who had been let out of jail on bail for similar behavior that morning.. wrong place.. wrong time..
that nearly cost me my life.

I somehow thought at the ripe age of 67.. that was all behind me.
I especially thought i was through having someone tell me to “get over it”…

i guess i was wrong.
being female means you get to be a target for the rest of your life?

i so hope not.
it’s time we put an end to that kind of behavior.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by JoB.

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[JanS]

I get the feeling that some people still feel that women should take that kind of harrassment as a compliment, which is sad. But I guess we should know our place, and not complain, huh.

I will never forget the video of a woman walking down the street, a man standing nearby catcalling. When she turns around, it’s his mother…surprise! (yes, it was a setup – she had choice words for her son)

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[AJP]

Sorry, I think I was misunderstood, I wasn’t replying to JoB’s comment at all. I was replying in response to williamf64’s comment “You ran into crazy, that’s it.” I meant that it proved cbof’s point, that she would be told that her experience was not a big deal. What I meant was, someone says “that’s it”, but it’s not it. There have been multiple experiences before this one and there will be multiple experiences afterward. As women, we don’t run into “crazy” just once, or even once in a while.

I agree completely with JoB’s comment, and I’m truly disgusted and saddened by everything she has gone through. We must speak up, we must make waves.

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[JTB]

AJP, indeed I am the one who was confused. My apologies for making a wrong assumption about the intent of your earlier comment. Thanks for the clarification.

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[JoB]

AJP
i am sorry i jumped to the same conclusion that JTB did… bad night .. lots of pain.. little benefit of doubt given to others :( my bad.

I am not going to make any trite comments about that which you survive makes you stronger. i don’t think it does.

Recently friends have begun to speak of their experiences and what i experienced isn’t all that unusual. Perhaps my story is a little more dramatic than some but it has had a better outcome than most so on the whole i have been lucky. There is no doubt i have been damaged by my experiences but i have not been broken. so many have.

The point is that my story is really rather commonplace .. but it doesn’t have to be… this is something we can change.

This behavior is not as uncommon as those who don’t have to endure it would like to believe.. and it isn’t just crazies..

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[williamf64]

OMG ! Are you people kidding me ?
I am sure that you may find this hard to believe in this sleepy little town we live in but on occasion we are gonna run into ” Crazy “. Yes, just straight up ” Looney Toons “. Anyone that has gone to a city council meeting will understand what I am talking about.
I was simply commenting about the implied interpretation of this persons motive. There is No Way I could sit by and allow Michelle Obama to be blamed for stirring up this hatred and motivating this Liberal nutt job to act out like he did.
I am just so happy to hear about the ” Hot jogger Initiative ” that the Seattle City Council is proposing which is to put a BAN on attractive women in stretch pants jogging, Roller blading or bike riding within (12) hours after an OBama speech.
We have to put an end to this hate filled rhetoric but until we do we need to protect our most vulnerable of Hotties.
I was so excited to hear about the proposed Bike Trail and Jogging track downtown that will be built around the Brand New ” Heroin Injection Adventure park ” that is soon coming to downtown Seattle.
FINALLY There will a place downtown for women to feel safe and secure.

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[JoB]

Williamf64

what makes you assume this is a hottie problem?
I am
67 years old
grey
5’6″ 167lbs
still recovering from my second major abdominal surgery in 6 months so i walk like a penguin and my stomach would make St Nick proud.
I can’t wear pants so right now to stay warm my skirts are to the ground and I can’t wear heels so those are grandma shoes poking out from under that skirt
I can’t wear make-up or hair product so my look is about as natural and weathered as it gets

my hubby still thinks i am a hottie but i am guessing i would have a difficult time finding 10 guys who agreed with him.. unless of course you count friends who think i am a hottie no matter how i look.

Harassment is not a hottie problem.. it’s a female problem.
As long as you have the right equipment.. apparently in any configuration… even the virtual unknown… you are a target.

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[Vanessa]

Dear Cbof, I am so sorry this happened to you. It is NOT ok. It is violating and it is scary. I can’t say what I would do had I been in the same situation. Knee-jerk reaction would be to yell back, but then fear some kind of retaliation. I think what you did was right.Especially with having other people around. I would also try to get a picture of them, license plate, etc.

I am so happy that Alaska Airlines threw the person off the flight for verbally harassing the flight attendant. It is inappropriate language and treatment. His comment was something like, “oh, how sexy….” while she was giving important flight and emergency instructions, and demonstrating the life vest. You might think that was no big deal. Well, it is a big deal. Where has all of our common sense and respect gone? A lot of men cannot even begin to understand how violating this feels. They dont know how it feels.
3 cheers for Alaska Airlines. And Cbof, stay strong and fearless and don’t let the creeps get you down.

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[JoB]

Vanessa
thumbs up!

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[smy]

cbof,

I am so sorry this happened to you and want to say outright that it wasn’t okay. It’s not right and no, it isn’t fair at all in any way.

You are so strong in putting this experience out there and I truly appreciate it. NOT easy to do. That takes a lot of courage and ! really appreciate what it took for you to do so.

Being scared, the angry/scared combo, not knowing what to say/do and wondering what could happen next is really just about the worst place to be in. As it’s happening, all you can do is exactly what you did and get out of a situation that you shouldn’t ever had to deal with.

Be strong, stay safe and know that there are a helluva of a lotta folks out there that are thankful you chose to stand up and talk about this. Thank you so much for doing so.

And keep using your words…they mean alot.

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[cbof]

Thank you all for helping me to feel heard, and for hearing each other, and for validating some difficult feelings and thoughts. :-) <3

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