November 18, 2012 at 6:33 pm #605620
The other day my friend bob was telling me how good it is to be a straight white male. And you know what . . . he’s right. Straight white males got it good.
But you know who’s got it REALLY good? (You’ll never guess.)
Straight white CONSERVATIVE males.
Yup! You heard me. If you’re a straight white conservative male in Seattle right now, this is your moment. So don’t blow it.
Here’s what you do . . .
1) Put on your best business suit and stick a large Mitt Romney pin on your lapel. Pull your tattered old Atlas Shrugged off the shelf and head down to the neighborhood trend bar.
2) When you get to the bar, plunk yourself down at an empty table by some liberal hotties.
Important: Do not sit WITH the hotties and do not attempt to speak to them. Instead, let them observe you from a distance.
3) Order a micro-brew and nurse it slowly, staring wistfully out the window and shooting an occasional glance at the hotties. Every now and then, shake your head, sigh, and underline some passage in the book. Whatever you do, don’t mutter. And don’t CRY.
Here’s what will happen . . .
At first, the hotties will recoil in horror at the sight of a plutocrat invading their space. Some will move to other tables or even leave the bar. However, a few hotties will remain and you will eventually overhear them whispering things like, “Oh, the poor man,” and “I don’t care. I think he’s kinda cute.”
Call the bartender over and buy them all a round, but don’t make eye contact and instruct the bartender not to blow your cover no matter what.
Eventually the hotties will start gravitating to you. Continue acting like they’re not there.
When they engage you in conversation, stay away from specifics. Do NOT controvert anything they say, but don’t agree with them either. Say things like, “I just don’t see it that way.” If they ask you to explain how you DO see it, say: “I can’t explain it. I guess I’m just . . . different.”
Help the hotties imagine a world in which they have finally convinced you to be more like them. Let them know that simply by being kind they have changed your view of liberals (“I guess they’re not such bad people”). At the same time, make it clear that they’ve still got a long way to go in this area and that you’re still “conservative to the core.” (Do not explain what you mean by that.)
Do not use the word “think” in reference to what you do.
Do not use the world “feel” in reference to what they do.
Continue buying the drinks. If you’re driving a Mercedes, flash them a key fob or some other accoutrement now and then. At the right moment, say something about “chivalry” and offer to drive one or two of them home.
A word to the wise about condoms: You should have one ready, just in case she doesn’t. But always let her offer first.November 18, 2012 at 7:19 pm #777800
DBP says conservative, it would be more appropriate to say richest, which is what he describes.
99% of the richest !% identify as Republican, but that doesn’t make the terms conservative and rich interchangeable.
How many of you conservatives out there had an adjusted gross income over $347,000 or or net wealth of $6.9 million or more?November 18, 2012 at 7:23 pm #777801
I know a liberal hottie that would probably engage the dude in a very passionate…..
MikeNovember 18, 2012 at 7:50 pm #777802November 18, 2012 at 7:55 pm #777803November 18, 2012 at 8:18 pm #777804
Would the “white conservative male” really drink and drive?!
I think not, therefor I’ll take my razor scooter instead.November 18, 2012 at 9:15 pm #777805
99% of the richest !% identify as Republican,
you sure about that? there are a lot of rich liberals and democrats, too.
rich: liberal hotties? here’s one:November 19, 2012 at 1:46 am #777806
According to The Economist, that is the proportion.
Would they lie?
But, I’ll open it up.
Liberal or Conservative: Are you a 1%er?November 19, 2012 at 1:53 am #777807
Old broad she may be, Jane Fonda was/is a hottie still for an old fart, like me.November 19, 2012 at 5:03 am #777808November 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm #777809
rich: that’s karen finney, former communication director for the DNC. i think she should be obama’s press secretary. she’s wicked smart.
i also think jennifer granholm is pretty.
what about ashley judd? she’s a liberal.
and i know i’ve seen pretty liberal women right here in west seattle.
but you know what? to me, wit, intellect, subtlety, humility, and sensitivity go farther than physical beauty any day of the week and twice on sundays. loud, strident, and stupid are definitely turn-offs.
bob: i saw a stat on this recently, and it surprised me that the top 1% broke down pretty much like the rest of the country. just like the military.
you don’t have to be poor or middle class to believe that rich people should pay more taxes. that buffet feller says it all of the time.
but the odds of 1%’ers reading or commenting here are pretty much nonexistent.November 30, 2012 at 10:11 pm #777810
you are a giver, DBP – no doubt about it. ; -)
No liberal hotties I know would fall for that ol’ Atlas Shrugged or key fob bait, but perhaps if you were seen tutoring kids, donating to NW Center or removing some ivy from Lincoln Park, they might buy you a drink. Your friend Bob, too. A man with a big heart is uber attractive — no props needed.
(Note, I did say “heart” as in the chest, above the belt.)November 30, 2012 at 10:53 pm #777811
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