Home › Forums › West Seattle Rants & Raves › Rant: Strangers parenting my children
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June 19, 2013 at 12:23 am #607953
PotatoBugParticipantTo the man in line behind me at Trader Joe’s. You addressed my 3 and 4 year old rather than me (their mother) to tell them what they were doing was dangerous and wrong. I was aware of what they were doing, was even talking with them. You did not address them in a respectful, caring way, more like a scold. What they were doing was not worrisome to me, and had no impact on you or anybody else. When I told you that if I worried about everything, we would never leave the house, you got bug eyed and practically spit “I DID NOT TELL YOU TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.” When I replied, “Please let me be the parent”, you spat something again. If you see someone physically or verbally abuse, severely neglect a child, or a child in serious danger, please step in. Otherwise, please let parents be the parents, and address the parent directly if you have a problem with a small child.
June 19, 2013 at 12:31 am #792057
EdSaneParticipantWhat were they doing?
June 19, 2013 at 1:11 am #792058
SeekingEurosParticipantPotatobug — I don’t want to hijack your thread, but this is a very difficult call for the non-parent party. Two weeks ago I was returning from a business trip from NovaScotia, and there was a 4 year old behind me kicking and jiggling my seat for the first 90 minutes of a 5 hour flight. After 90 minutes, I turned around and addressed the sleeping father traveling alone with the 4 year old, asking for his intervention — because of comments like yours, I did not address the child. I was appreciative that he changed seats with the child and the rest of my flight was peaceful. But when we landed, the child said to her father “is that the grumpy old lady”. He then started to mutter to the child words clearly directed to me – what do you expect from a 4 year old, and that I should have paid to sit in first class or drive/bus cross country. So I turned around and said that the situation might have been better had he parented his child. I could have done what I have seen others do many times, reached around and grabbed the child’s foot/hand and scolded her. I didn’t, and I was VERY courteous in my initial comments to the father, yet I was returned with rudeness.
After asking several friends that have small children, each has given me conflicting advice — some say help the parent and address the kid, and others say to never address the child. I point this out in this thread, as the non-parent clearly had a very different perception from you over the safety of your children or what is proper public behavior – as was my situation.
June 19, 2013 at 2:14 am #792059
PotatoBugParticipant@SeekingEuros:I understand the position with seat kicking, but in this situation nobody was being bothered, this was about safety, versus irritating another person. My point is that if the stranger has a different perspective about the safety of my children, they address the parent (me, in this case). This gives the children the safety of parents being the protectors, not the scolding of a stranger.
June 19, 2013 at 2:17 am #792060
PotatoBugParticipantPlus, I give you full permission to hit a parent who is asleep while his child is kicking your seat on a plane :)
June 19, 2013 at 2:26 am #792061
oddrealityParticipantWell, what were your kids doing?
June 19, 2013 at 3:01 am #792062
I WonderMemberWow. Apparently telling him to his face was not enough venting. You can just never please enough people with too little or too much feedback. *sigh*
June 19, 2013 at 3:09 am #792063
luckymom30ParticipantMany times when we go to The Children’s Theater to see a play a child kicks our seats, we have tried both approaches asking the parent to stop the kicking, and yes asks the child directly to stop the kicking. Sometimes you get lucky and the parent actually steps in and tells the child to stop kicking. Most times our requests are met by parents who dislike telling their child their behavior is negative and nothing is done.
When we pay hard earned money to see a play, movie whatever we fully expect to see and be able to hear what we paid for.
These are teaching situations whether they be negative or positive.
Maybe letting concerned or bothered people know you have a handle on the situation and then actually follow through, for everyone’s sake.
June 19, 2013 at 3:10 am #792064
luckymom30ParticipantMany times when we go to The Children’s Theater to see a play a child kicks our seats, we have tried both approaches asking the parent to stop the kicking, and yes asks the child directly to stop the kicking. Sometimes you get lucky and the parent actually steps in and tells the child to stop kicking. Most times our requests are met by parents who dislike telling their child their behavior is negative and nothing is done.
When we pay hard earned money to see a play, movie whatever we fully expect to see and be able to hear what we paid for.
These are teaching situations whether they be negative or positive.
Maybe letting concerned or bothered people know you have a handle on the situation and then actually follow through, for everyone’s sake.
June 19, 2013 at 3:36 am #792065
kayoParticipantHang in there PotatoBug. Shopping with a 3 and 4 year old in tow is not easy, let alone when you either get the dreaded stinkeye from someone or actual comments to your children from a stranger. I’ve had lots of helpful and not so helpful advice from strangers about my kids over the years and try to let the latter float off my back. It is tough sometimes though. Sometimes you just want to give people the one fingered salute. Anyway, hang in there. It is a tough job. I am sure you are a great mom.
June 19, 2013 at 5:59 am #792066
PotatoBugParticipantthank you, kayo. all i needed was a virtual hug from someone who gets it :)
June 19, 2013 at 3:56 pm #792067
EdSaneParticipant…honestly PotatoBug it just sounds like you got defensive when someone called out your misbehaving children. Not really rant worthy at all.
June 19, 2013 at 4:43 pm #792068
KBearParticipantYour children were doing something that was perceived as “unsafe”, yet you won’t tell us what they were doing. That suggests to me that you know very well it was unsafe.
June 19, 2013 at 4:51 pm #792069
trickycooljParticipantAs a non-parent I need to chime in on how increadibly frustrating it can be to try and get groceries at TJs. It’s small in there and half the time I feel like parents brought the whole neighborhood with them to play in the store. I can’t get through the produce without being flattened by a mob of kids looking for the stuffed octopus for free candy and wo be unto you if you are in the direct path between the octopus and the employee with the candy jar and you’re holding a sample of hot coffee (which has been sampled by my shirt, shoes and the floor too many times due to rambunctious kids). This is just trying to get through the produce area. By the time you get to the register its hard not to be crabby when you see another kid playing scooter with the shopping cart in line (not yours necessarily but this happens!) and it’s hard not to get snippy. This is why I stopped shipping at TJs on Sunday but even Mon/Tues it’s still really bad after work and all I want to do is grab my groceries and GTFO and go home because its been a tiring day at work. So just a little perspective, maybe that man had a bad day and had already likely been barreled over by someone else’s rambunctious kids and was trying to preventively make sure yours also didn’t flatten him to the ground.
June 19, 2013 at 5:00 pm #792070
SomeGuyParticipantSo what exactly were your kids doing PotatoBug?
June 19, 2013 at 7:09 pm #792071
DianeParticipantthe title and OP are very telling; calling this person a “stranger” is divisive, antagonistic, offensive to me; we are community; we need more community; more helping each other out; more helping with our children; parenting is hard; please be more open to others in community when they reach out to help; whether someone in our community is talking directly to your child, or to you, who cares? welcome your neighbor; we need to talk to each other more, and help each other out
~
3 separate people have asked, “what did the kids do?” and you have not responded
June 19, 2013 at 7:12 pm #792072
BonnieParticipantI’m assuming her kids were just being kids and the cranky person was just being cranky. Seriously, I pick my battles. If they are annoying but not hurting anything I might not be too concerned. The time my daughter knocked a whole display over at the Capitol Hill TJ’s was a bit concerning. LOL! Trust me, those of us who have little kids (or had, mine are older now but I totally get it because I have been through it) don’t like comments from strangers. We pick our battles and sorry if that annoys others. I have had strangers say things to my kids before. There are times it’s valid and they should say something but other times it’s not.
June 19, 2013 at 7:37 pm #792073
sam-cParticipanti too know it can be frustrating to shop with children. last time I had to keep my son from knocking down some boxes of crackers on a shelf.
but hey, at least potatobug didn’t threaten the guy.
my husband once calmly but authoritatively asked a girl to stop running up the slide backwards as there was a line of children waiting to come down. the girl’s father threatened to punch him for telling his daughter what to do.
I am curious too; what were the kids doing ?
June 19, 2013 at 7:51 pm #792074
pigeonmomParticipantDitto Diane.
June 19, 2013 at 8:10 pm #792075
Spring ChickenMemberPerhaps the man was trying to be helpful by speaking quickly to them before they hurt themselves. Perhaps you should be grateful for neighbors who care enough to say something to keep your kids safe?
Grocery stores are difficult for kids. When mine were small I shopped at night or on weekends so they wouldn’t be with me.
June 20, 2013 at 3:24 am #792076
JoBParticipanti have to ask when the parental conversation concerning the public behavior of children shifted from what bothers the people around you to what bothers you?
i can’t count the number of times i picked up a child and left the restaurant, the store, the cinema, church, pot luck dinners, etc… because my child was being annoying.
i didn’t think myself a martyr.. i thought myself a parent..teaching my child appropriate public behavior.
i know there has been a shift because last time i dined with great grandchildren, the indulgent parents and grandparents ignored the offending child… i am the one who got up and took him for a walk.
since i didn’t bring it up.. i am not sure either parents or grandparents ever figured out why.
June 20, 2013 at 3:57 am #792077
pigeonmomParticipant“What they were doing was not worrisome to me, and had no impact on you or anybody else” Well, evidently it was worrisome enough to someone else.
June 20, 2013 at 3:59 am #792078
IrukandjiParticipantI <heart> Diane.
June 20, 2013 at 4:22 am #792079
desertdwellerParticipantParents should not be made to feel guilty about taking their children to the grocery store. Sometimes the evening is the only hour or two a mother or father has free to shower, clean the house, perhaps even go for a walk. Suggesting parents only go to the grocery store during the weekends or daylight hours assume that every family has two caregivers (many don’t).
June 20, 2013 at 4:25 am #792080
PrittyKittyMemberAntagonistic to call a perfect stranger a stranger? Roving gangs of wild children who terrorize the good people of West Seattle’s Trader Joe’s forcing hot coffee onto their shirts? Adults trying to badger PotatoBug into confessing the sins of her children so they can judge for themselves if this man had a right to interfere? Let’s assume for argument’s sake since ‘Bug didn’t mention any immediate trips to Urgent Care across the street that the kids survived their dangerous stunts in line. Regardless, this town done gone lost it’s mind.
PotatoBug: You are totally and completely correct to complain about some man parenting you in line. I’ve got two kids under the age of 4. I think the checkout line is quite possibly the most stressful part of the entire shopping trip. You have to find your wallet, keep the kids close by, bag your own freaking groceries, make small talk, address the kids’ whining as to why you aren’t going to be buying any gum/candy/cookies, and then apologize as usual to the people behind you for holding up the line. The next time someone wants to chime in on how you’re doing as a parent feel free to ask for his/her address so that you can forward the bills their way. Good lord.
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