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Joke time - bring it on- let's laugh

Started 3 years ago by JenV
Latest reply from Jerald

JenV
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A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Posted 3 years ago #
RainyDay1235
Member Profile

Yep, I'm going to hell...enjoy...

"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. That's true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true. In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 e-mails that she's withholding from public records. She won't release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line 'Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

"And you've got to love this: Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. An avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there?" --David Letterman

"Of course, now everyone's digging into Sarah Palin's past. There's an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she's wearing a t-shirt that says, 'I may be broke, but I'm not flat-busted.' Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, 'What's the internet?'" --Conan O'Brien

"She does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska, right next door to Russia." –FOX News Channel's Steve Doocy, gushing over Palin's qualifications, to which Jon Stewart quipped, "When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa."

"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." –Bill Maher

In her own words.....

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, in an interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co."

"I've been so focused on state government, I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq." --Palin

"It's great to see another part of the country." --Palin, campaigning in Pennsylvania

Posted 3 years ago #
FullTilt
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General David Petraeus is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

Bush“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

Posted 3 years ago #
acemotel
Member Profile

from Yahoo news last night, on the prospect that McCain will take Palin to the UN to meet some foreign dignitaries:

>> One U.N. diplomat joked that a visit to the United Nations in New York would add one more trip outside the United States to Palin's resume -- a reference to the fact that the U.N. compound is technically not on U.S. territory.

(fulltilt, I am still LOL, a brazillion.....)

Posted 3 years ago #
JenV
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well, this is both funny and sad....from Moveon.org:

Get this. Apparently, John McCain invented the BlackBerry! Today, McCain's top economic adviser waved a BlackBerry in front of reporters and said, "He did this...You're looking at the miracle John McCain helped create."

A miracle indeed. Who ever would have guessed that the BlackBerry was invented by a 72-year-old man who recently called himself computer "illiterate," talked about "a Google," and said he "watches" blogs?

Posted 3 years ago #
FullTilt
Member Profile

HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

Posted 3 years ago #
mellaw6565
Member Profile

A widowed woman in her 80's was the organ player for her local church for many years. Hearing that she was sick, the pastor went by her house to check on her.

While visiting with her, the pastor noticed a condom floating in a bowl of water sitting on her organ. Curious, he asked the woman about it - she replied:

Well, I found this package laying on the ground near my house and the instructions said to open up the package, place it on your organ, keep it wet, and it will keep away diseases!

Posted 3 years ago #
JoB
Member Profile

where do i find a condom?

Posted 3 years ago #
mellaw6565
Member Profile

I think it's the Sarah Palin birth control method:) And probably her Health Care plan too!

Posted 3 years ago #
Robert2715
Member Profile

In the spirit of national bipartisinship I propose the following:
All Obama/Biden Supporters turn their car headlights on during the day.
All McCain/Palin Supporters turn their car headlights off during the night.

(I know I know, same joke every 4 years but I always like it)

Posted 3 years ago #
RainyDay1235
Member Profile

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator
http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

Posted 3 years ago #
JenV
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Shank Piston Palin here...

Posted 3 years ago #
mellaw6565
Member Profile

Claw Washout Palin over here....

Posted 3 years ago #
mellaw6565
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Don't you think that she should at least have a son named Moose and a daughter named Caribou?

Posted 3 years ago #
Zenguy
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor:
when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

Posted 3 years ago #
JoB
Member Profile

ok i bit..

i am a crunk petrol

is that a gassy cranky woman?

could be accurate today:(

Posted 3 years ago #
Zenguy
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Bush is jogging along the Potomac and comes across a kid with a bunch of puppies in a box, he stops and asks "hey kid, what kind of dogs are those?"

"They are Republicans" the kid replies.

Bush thinks that is cute and continues on his way.

The next day Bush is jogging along the Potomac again, this time with Cheney and sees the same kid with the box of puppies. Bush says "hey Dick, check this out." and ask the kid "tell my friend here what kind of dogs these are"

The kid says "they are Democrats!", Bush looks confused and says "yesterday they were Republicans?" and the kid replies "their eyes are open now!"

Posted 3 years ago #
JenV
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is part of the funny picturing Cheney jogging? ;)

Posted 3 years ago #
Zenguy
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Well, he would have his rifle with him of course. Can you picture it now?

Posted 3 years ago #
GenHillOne
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it's okay, JoB, when I did it...Pump Bust Palin... sounds like a really bad stripper.

Posted 3 years ago #
JenV
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sounds like a doll you can buy at Stan's Adult Super Store! :) <shudders>

Posted 3 years ago #
acemotel
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Muzzle Mammoth here......

Posted 3 years ago #
JanS
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Steak Leather here....not liking that one :(

Posted 3 years ago #
JenV
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Q: What is the difference between Sarah Palin and the typical vice-presidential nominee who confuses jargon for policy, speaks in scripted platitudes, and criticizes their opponent rather than offering a vision for the future?
A: Lipstick.

(courtesy Robert Felton, Austin Weekly News. article can be found here: http://austinweeklynews.com/main.asp?SectionID=1&SubSectionID=1&ArticleID=1919&TM=73531.96)

Posted 3 years ago #
soclwrkrinmotn
Member Profile

Froth Moonshine Palin

Well. I think I would rather be Steak Leather. :)

Posted 3 years ago #
Anonymous
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Revolver Trooper Palin

I guess that's means I'll have a love/hate relationship with my parents. Or that I'm supposed to shoot myself.

Posted 3 years ago #
Trick
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John McCain, if you were born to Sarah Palin, your name would be:

Steam Fangs Palin

Posted 3 years ago #
miws
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Gripper Carom Palin.

Gripper

Posted 3 years ago #
Zenguy
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Chop Meth Palin...is that a drug dealers name?

Posted 3 years ago #
JoB
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Maybe it is a superhero drug fighter name?

Posted 3 years ago #
rs261
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My wife got
Meat Notgay Palin

much better then my Stake Shed Palin

Posted 3 years ago #
JoB
Member Profile

i like that one. i'm jealous.

Posted 3 years ago #
miws
Member Profile

Sarah Palin comes up Flack Gobbler Palin.

Posted 3 years ago #
miws
Member Profile

John McCain, Steam Fangs Palin

Posted 3 years ago #
charlabob
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From a miscellaneous blog (you thought *I* made this up?)

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. These choices made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Posted 3 years ago #
Zenguy
Member Profile

Oh Charlabob, my grandfather was HUGE on puns and saw that coming from a mile away. It made me smile non the less!

Posted 3 years ago #
charlabob
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Mine too - I couldn't stop grinning when I found it.

Posted 3 years ago #
westseattledood
Member Profile

Charlabob-

Puns!!! What a good one!!! Yes, I'm a sucker for puns - good and bad. I blame my mother, who made me memorize Ogden Nash poems.

Got more? Love 'em.
Thanks !

Posted 3 years ago #
RainyDay1235
Member Profile

And how about a musical EVERYONE can enjoy!

http://www.peteyandpetunia.com/VoteHere/VoteHere.htm

Posted 3 years ago #
JanS
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RainyDay...love it !!! thanks :)

Posted 3 years ago #
GenHillOne
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Not political, but this was me and my printer this week so it has made me cry laughing over and over this morning -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvBiSW5QFKY
'course, maybe it could be applied to politics... can we just beat on the system until it works for us? ;)

Posted 3 years ago #
JanS
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GHO...that was too, too funny...thanks...

Posted 3 years ago #
westseattledood
Member Profile

GHO -

I'm howling & crying

LOL...

that's so great! thx!

Posted 3 years ago #
JenV
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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

Posted 3 years ago #
JanS
Member Profile

First Time Sex

>> A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or Family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the Boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist.'

Posted 3 years ago #
JanS
Member Profile

A Voice From The Back Pew

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, 'Children are a gift from God,' he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

And the congregation said, 'Amen.'

Posted 3 years ago #
Jerald
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JenV, that one made my day!

Posted 3 years ago #
Irukandji
Member Profile

A young girl, having finally gotten the WHOLE story from her mom about where babies come from, manages to sneak in a conversation with her Auntie.

"Auntie! I know where babies come from!" she says.

"Do tell, do tell..."

"Well, first a man takes off his clothes."

"Okay," says the Aunt.

"Then a woman takes off her clothes."

"Go on."

"And then the man puts his penis in her mouth..."

"Oh, honey, no," says the Auntie. "That's not how you get babies. That's how you get JEWELRY."

Posted 3 years ago #
miws
Member Profile

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Posted 3 years ago #
Jerald
Member Profile

Thank you, I needed those. OMG, how funny!

Posted 3 years ago #

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