People of Earth! Hear me!
As some of you know, I recently used this forum to declare my candidacy for the office of US Senate. At the time I declared, I sincerely felt that I would be better able to represent you in Congress than either the incumbent (Patty Murray) or any of her presumptive challengers.
However, after reading through the latest edition of the King County Voters Guide, I have determined that the eccentric constituency is already well represented by this year’s slate of candidates. So there’s really no point in me running after all.
I hereby withdraw my candidacy.
To prove my point about the eccentric vote, I have included below some of my favorite remarks from the Voters’ Guide. Please note that all but one of the excerpts are from candidates for US Senate. In other words, I gathered this rich harvest from just the first few pages—of a 50-page document!
To those of you who would chide me for occasionally taking a candidates remarks out of context, I would ask you to consider the possibility that, in all likelihood, I have actually clarified the intended meaning of the candidate, such as it is.
So without further ado . . .
#10
. . . eighty percent of President Obama’s speech to [the] Muslim world in Cairo and to [the] Turkish Parliament came from my two letters to him.
I chose not to meet with [Obama] to protect his campaign. I could have been his Secretary of Health or special Envoy to [the] Muslim world!
—Mohammad H. Said (Prefers Centrist Party)
#9
It is your destiny to start the orbital space colonization of your solar system. You have already spent the money! Consequently you should already have more than 200 habitats orbiting your Earth, Moon, Sun, and Mars. But you don’t!
If you google goodspaceguy, you’ll find me and talented people who claim to be me: Goodspaceguy.
—Goodspaceguy (Prefers Democratic Party)
#8
God has the answer for all our problems, but first He wants to correct* our attitude as a nation.
—Mike Latimer (Prefers Republican Party)
#7
For over 40 years I have conducted applied research for the US Navy, and basic research in underwater acoustics, climate trends, and ocean physics. This experience and my studies in history have prepared me for the challenges that face this nation . . .
—James (Skip) Mercer (States No Party Preference)
#6
Where else can a son of a potato farmer rise to play in the stardom of three Super Bowls?
—Clint Didier (Prefers Republican Party)
#5
My name is Schalk. I am a citizen, a lover of liberty, a Washingtonian. Who are you?
—Schalk Leonard (States No Party Preference)
#4
I am pro-life, pro-liberty, pro-gun, pro-audacity, pro-Sarah Palin, and John Gault, Pro-charter schools and home schools. I am against cap and trade, against Obama Care, and against the new-world-order.
—William Edward Chovil (Prefers Republican Party)
#3
Fact: Barack Obama is a black man and a very good public speaker.
Fact: In 2009, President Barack Obama was given a Nobel Peace Prize. (Please Note: In fairness to President Obama, he immediately admitted that he hasn’t done anything to earn a Nobel Peace Prize.)
—Will Baker (Prefers Reform Party)
#2
To call upon Aristotle and Cicero [at] a tap of my finger is a marvelous achievement that can’t be overemphasized.
If all I have to offer my country is a love of research, a proclivity for debate and an eternally candid demeanor, then so be it. In any normal job, these traits are a nuisance, but for a Congressman, they are essential. Perhaps it is a mark of misfortune that my natural abilities have led me to congress, or perhaps it is a blessing.
—Scott Sizemore (Candidate for Cong. Dist. No. 7 – Prefers Democratic Party)
#1
During this time, business people submitted, or produced “fuzzy” mathematical numbers as ‘bait’ to the average consumer. For many of us, the lure seemed ‘too good to be true’. Re-finance your house. Go on (many) vacations. Buy a new car. Get a hair transplant, or fake ‘boobs’.
—Mike the Mover (Prefers Democratic Party)
I want to express my special gratitude to Mike the Mover for bringing the issues of hair transplants and fake ‘boobs’ back into the national political spotlight where they belong. During the last presidential campaign, I felt that both candidates colluded to sweep the whole hair transplant thing under the rug.
And as for fake ‘boobs’? Well . . . it just seemed like nobody wanted to touch them.
—DP
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