Home › Forums › Open Discussion › household chore division
- This topic is empty.
-
AuthorPosts
-
February 23, 2011 at 9:16 pm #598067
maudeParticipantJoB, your post on another thread got me thinking about equality in same sex relationships. I wonder about household chores and found two recent articles on the topic:
Concerning heterosexuals – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marc-and-amy-vachon/theres-more-to-housework-_b_825690.html
And for homosexuals (lesbians in particular, apparently) – http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/keeping-it-clean-houseworks-gender-divide-20110218-1az4r.html
In our same-sex household we divided up the chores according to what was least painful for each of us. My partner doesn’t like yard work and I love it. She also hates doing laundry (one of the easiest chores in my opinion). So, I get to be outside, playing in the dirt after I put a load of clothes in the wash. I can’t stand cleaning the bathroom and she doesn’t mind it so much. And we often team up in the kitchen to cook our meals and do the dishes. Anyway, it all works out and neither of us is bitter.
And one other advantage to same-sex relationships is that our wardrobe doubled in size when we finally moved in together. :)
To be sure, there is a downside. When we aren’t rolling our eyes at James Dobson we have to be careful what softball team we sign up for in case the former girlfriend of our current squeeze is on the team. :)
How do you all divide household chores? Along traditional gender roles? Or gender bending roles?
February 23, 2011 at 9:33 pm #718453
DaveBParticipantMy wife cleans the bathroom (which I hate to do) and the bedroom plus her office (she works at home). I clean the kitchen and we split the rest of the house (but the Roomba does most of the sweeping). I do all the yard work and outdoor house maintenance tasks (she doesn’t want to and I enjoy them). We each do our own laundry. We share food shopping, cooking, and dishes. She does the math for bills and shared expenses. I manage car services and repairs (it was my car when we met and we’ve become a single-car household).
February 23, 2011 at 9:34 pm #718454
datamuseParticipantWe’ve never consciously divided our chores, but quite a few of them are split; we each clean our own bathroom and do our own laundry. When we cook together (2-3 times a week) we share cleanup, otherwise, it’s whoever gets to it first, which winds up being fairly equitable.
I hate mowing, so he gets to do that. We both hate vacuuming but I do it because I hate dirty floors more.
I was going to say that he does the garbage, but actually that’s split as well because he always forgets the bathroom cans so I do those.
February 23, 2011 at 10:13 pm #718455
JoBParticipantIt seems I may need to renegotiate my deal :(
Although to be fair…
he works very long hours
and i am unable to work
so i end up with the lion’s share of what we used to call home making.
the only time it really bothers me is weekends…
he takes the weekend off
but for me it is just another workday :(
i suspect he would do more if i was able to work… but then he wouldn’t be able to put in the hours he does now either
i think i would have to lower my standards substantially if i wanted to take the weekend off.
February 24, 2011 at 3:16 pm #718456
redblackParticipantour household chore division looks a lot like data’s and dave’s. while the missus may complain that i don’t do enough vacuuming and dusting, i always take the garbage and yard waste out, and i lug the lawnmower around the property, as well as infrastructure-type maintenance. she does most of the shopping, mainly because i usually go insane and spend $200.
other than that, it’s pretty equitable and doesn’t much resemble archie and edith bunker’s house. i usually cook or grill the main course for dinner (and i’m pretty good at it); the missus does sides, salads, etc.
February 24, 2011 at 3:47 pm #718457
SmittyParticipantLaundry is split 70/30 her.
Dishwasher duties split 70/30 me.
Garbage 95/5 me.
Lawn 90/10 me.
Vacuum 90/10 her.
Tidying up 95/5 me.
Deep clean 95/5 her.
Dinner 60/40 her. (she gets home before me)
Breakfast/Kids ready.100/0 me.
Pretty fair, but we both work full-time so it should be.
February 24, 2011 at 4:10 pm #718458
JoBParticipantSmitty…
LOL… lets see..
she deep cleans
you pick up
she does the laundry
you take out the trash and load the dishwasher
she makes dinner
you make breakfast and get the kids out the door…
although i applaud you for taking on some of the household duties..
the only truly equitable split i see in that list is lawn/vacuuming
and it doesn’t begin to count everything it takes to keep a family going that is not on that list
I don’t mean to be mean about this…
but most guys honestly don’t have a clue what the total workload is in their home…
I am glad to see progress…
but equitable division of household labor is still not a reality for most households
February 24, 2011 at 4:15 pm #718459
JoBParticipantbtw…
the real clue here if you really want to know whether the division of labor is equitable in your home is how much time each partner gets to take for their own outside interests at home…
and yes.. that include vegging out in front of the tv.. catching up on your blogs… reading … and last but not least personal hobbbies and activities.
February 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm #718460
karenParticipantI recently read a book by my Great-something aunt. she wrote about her life here in Washington in the early years.
While her husband was logging or fishing or farming she did the “household chores.”
She cooked over a wood stove
Cleaned with water brought in from a pump in the yard
Raised a vegetable garden, picked and canned whatever grew
Collected wild berries and put them up, as well as whatever else when could find, including clams, oysters, etc.
She went fishing and cleaned, canned, preped what she caught
Took care of the chickens and rabbits, including butchering and cleaning when needed
Also cooked for “the men” hired hands, helpers, etc
Had six children to care for, plus a niece or nephew and a in-law occasionally
She also had to pack the household and get it moved by bus, rail or hired car when her husband’s job changed. She had a lot of kids and was frequently doing these things pregnant or with a baby. And yet her story is happy and she was proud of the family and home that she made.
February 24, 2011 at 6:07 pm #718461
SarahScootParticipantReally, JoB? I think the split Smitty lists are pretty fair… certainly not worthy of being singled out. I’d much rather do the deep-clean tasks (which are, what? Weekly, monthly, sometimes less?) than the daily straightening-up tasks, especially if I were cleaning up after kids each day. I also doubt getting kids ready and fed in the mornings is any easier than cooking dinner for the family in the evenings. Plus, as he mentioned, his wife gets home earlier than he does each night, so it probably makes much more sense for her to begin dinner preparations.
February 24, 2011 at 6:20 pm #718462
HSGParticipantWow, I’m one lucky woman! Hubby does way more than I do.
He takes care of grocery shopping, trash, mowing/edging, home improvements, making lunches, car repairs, and paying bills. We split laundry, dinner, dishes, cleaning (we have pretty low standards since we hate to clean), and pet duties. I take care of almost all the kid activities, appointments, gift buying, sick days, school breaks, planning vacations, and gardening. When he travels I do everything that can’t wait until he gets back, but he still ends up doing more.
We both have plenty of time to spend together, as a family, or on individual interests. The low cleaning standards and our flexible work schedules play a role in that, I’m sure.
In general I think couples who come together after establishing their own households and careers are more likely to share chores equitably. If you are used to doing everything for yourself, any splitting of the chores seems great.
February 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm #718463
JoBParticipantso sarascoot…
are toilets and showers and tubs deep cleaning?
oh.. and the inevitable toilet overspray ?
is cleaning up the counters and behind the sink and around the faucet deep cleaning?
what about damp moping the floors when there are spills?
what about the stove-top and the oven?
what about wiping down the fridge?
Are they included in that once a month or so deep clean?
what about carpet spots and pet accidents and kid messes? pick up or deep cleaning?
windows and mirrors? keyboards? dusting?
i suspect it depends on just how you divide those tasks…
those were all on my pickup list when i was working and had a family because the only way to stay on top of them was to do a final pass of the house every night.
deep cleaning.. now that included washing curtains and shampooing rugs and moving furniture to vacuum the corners and cleaning out and organizing closets and cleaning out the fridge and defrosting the freezer and scrubbing the deck and ….
Karen…
I didn’t mean to imply that making a home can’t be a worthwhile and satisfying task. That wasn’t the question.
I merely pointed out that most men have no idea how much work is still involved in turning the cubicles we live in into functioning homes.
i am eternally grateful that we don’t have our grandparent’s workload.. my sister lives off the grid in the Arizona mountains and thanks to modern tools and conveniences manages all those tasks much more easily than grandma did.
HSG…
i am envious.
i was born way too soon…
being able to work does change the equation a lot.
though i can’t say my cleaning standards still meet the high bar i once maintained:(
February 24, 2011 at 10:20 pm #718464
karenParticipantI was in no way implying that women 9or anyone else) should derive all their satisfaction and self worth from the home or domestic work. I was amazed at reading her life story, the amount of work that she took for granted had to be done and yet the actual joy she had in her life. While I complain bitterly at more than two loads of laundry!
February 24, 2011 at 11:00 pm #718465
yes2wsParticipantSarahScoot, thumbs up to your post backing Smitty! I thought the exact same thing when I read it.
February 24, 2011 at 11:27 pm #718466
cclarueMemberPersonally Smittys list looks darn goods to me!!I do the am with the kids and I would trade that one chore for three others!!!
February 25, 2011 at 1:31 am #718467
JoBParticipantcclarue…
LOL..actually.. hubby does that one for us…
ok.. it’s dogs and he takes them to the park every morning and feeds them breakfast
but it’s much appreciated
Karen…
i lived in an isolated log cabin (the family’s homestead) one winter when i was fairly young and swore i would never make anything from scratch again :)
i got over that… but the daily grind of survival was a real eye opening experience for me.
and in some very odd ways a life saver.
i think survival was a really big thing for pioneers and farmers…
and also.. work was more often than not shared.. whether with children or neighbors.
i think they had a sense of community we struggle to understand.
February 25, 2011 at 1:37 am #718468
ZenguyParticipantAs a same sex couple, we both work, try and do laundry in the morning, one puts it in and the other drys and folds. who ever leaves first takes out the garbage and who ever gets home first empties the dishwasher (my least favorite job, next to toilet cleaning). I iron and mend but he gets my car detailed (thank goodness he works for a car dealership). All in all it feels fair, maybe not 50/50 all the time but then again not much is. Sometimes I give more and sometimes he does but we are always there for each other.
February 25, 2011 at 1:53 am #718469
SmittyParticipantThanks for defending me, folks!
JoB, I load AND unload the dishwasher too! Much harder than loading, btw.
And, as stated above tidying up at our house is a chore, trust me.
I should clarify that the “deep clean” is monhtly (ick, I know)and I do help a little more than 5%, but not more than 10! I’m usually on garage pick up/dump run during that time so kind of working.
The ultimate goal is to start getting our kids to pick up some duties thus giving us time for an extra glass of wine!
February 25, 2011 at 2:04 am #718470
JoBParticipanti get the impression that some of you think that i have attacked poor smitty.
I wonder why it is when a woman speaks up and says that although things are better they are not equal..
the first response is often that she is attacking men?
I love men. They are my chosen partners and mostly i have chosen interesting men who have challenged me intellectually and made my life far more interesting than it would have been without them.
I have sons and grandsons and a great-grandson that i love dearly and who are all doing interesting and worthwhile things with their lives. (ok.. the verdict may be still out on the great-grandbaby)
I have two younger brothers who chose public service as their careers and each of them have sons i am more than proud to know.
I would venture that more than half of the people i converse with every day are men.
I like men. ;->
But that doesn’t change the facts.
The facts are that in spite of all the progress towards equality .. men and women are not equal in our society or in our relationships.
Unless women are unionized and therefore have access to a regulated pay structure .. women are paid less than men even when you compare identical positions.
The ERA has never been ratified. Women are the only class of citizens in the United States not guaranteed equality by constitutional amendment.
Women are still routinely blamed when they are raped or physically abused by partners.
A cop in Cananda recently had to apologize for giving girls the advice “not to dress like a slut” in a rape prevention lecture…
and if you think the same advice isn’t given here.. you would be wrong.
What a woman is wearing when she is raped is often reported in the local newspaper.
Women still bear the brunt of the responsibility for unintended pregnancies.. regardless of their age or mental capacity.
Women still bear the brunt of the responsibility for intended pregnancies (kids) after divorce…
and in relationships.. study after study still show that whether a woman works outside the home or not.. she is more likely to carry a much larger burden for household chores than her male partner.
I didn’t make this world..
in fact.. i have done everything in my power my entire adult life to create change.
and there is some…
but not enough.
equal is equal…
as in the same amount time spent exclusively on household chores and child raising…
and i am betting that although Smitty certainly does far more than many men
(i assume Smitty is a man.. perhaps i shouldn’t presume)
the tasks listed don’t appear to me to approach equality.
And i suspect if the women who accuse me of being unkind to smitty in pointing that out really thought about the range of household tasks they accomplish every day without thinking much about them .. they would agree.
Although we don’t have the amount of work our grandmothers or great-grandmothers had to ensure survival… homemaking is still a far larger task requiring far larger amounts of time to accomplish than mere chores would indicate.
At it’s best.. we literally make a home.
at it’s worst.. we keep the dust bunnies down.. everyone fed and science experiments out of the refrigerator.
thank god most of us fall in the making a home category… there’s no place like home.
February 25, 2011 at 2:06 am #718471
JoBParticipantSmitty…
i am all for getting the kids involved in the chores.
I have seen too many young adults who are totally unprepared to create a home for themselves..
bad planning all the way around on a parent’s part
February 25, 2011 at 2:34 am #718472
karenParticipantI think home chore equaity can only be determined by those in the relationship. While I agree that in the workplace and sometimes in society, women may be treated different than men, the question here was about household chores. And really the question was how are chores divided, not whether it is fair.
I do the majority of the yard work (traditionally a “male” chore) because my husband hates it and would rather pave the yard than mow the lawn. My husband does the majority of the cooking (obviously a traditionally “female” chore) because I absolutely hate to cook.
He works full time and I don’t, so I take on more of the housework chores. His work schedule makes it difficult for him to do things like banking, appointment setting, etc. So I do that. He’s really good at fixing stuff in the house so he does most of that, but he is also willing to teach me how to do it.
I do most of the car maintenance, it’s my car. He puts the kids to bed and makes time for field trips, camp outs, and other events that are important to the kids.
Is our chore break down equal? Probably not. Occasionally I get mad because I’m feeling put upon. Does he ever feel like he has to carry the financial burden of the whole family, probably (I don’t know, he doesn’t complain). It works for us. Somehow it all gets done and everyone gets along. Can’t ask for more than that!
February 25, 2011 at 2:34 am #718473
karenParticipantFebruary 25, 2011 at 2:56 am #718474
yes2wsParticipantHmm.. can’t help but wonder; if the list had said,
Laundry is split 70/30 me.
Dishwasher duties split 70/30 her.
Garbage 95/5 her.
Lawn 90/10 her.
Vacuum 90/10 me.
Tidying up 95/5 her.
Deep clean 95/5 me.
Dinner 60/40 me.
Breakfast/Kids ready.100/0 her.
would we be hearing, “What??” “You mean to tell me you think this is equal when SHE is having to do the dishes? Don’t you know that means pots & pans, etc.?” “Do you think that’s EASY compared to putting items in a washing machine and dryer?” “Where’s the scrubbing action in THAT scene?”
“And what do you mean, SHE has to do all of the household trash AND keep up with the lawn [outside in the elements] while you get to stay inside and push a vacuum cleaner around?”
“And don’t even get me started on DAILY tidying-up while you deep clean periodically.”
“And to top it all off, are you seriously saying that all you have to do is put a simple meal together in the evenings; but SHE has to awaken groggy/grouchy kids each morning, feed them breakfast, pull them away from their morning play, pry them from their daily delay tactics, get them dressed, teeth brushed, etc. in a timely manner to scoot them out the door in time for school?” “Do you honestly not see how lop-sided, unequal, and unfair you are being to that poor woman who, by the grace of god, somehow agreed to be your wife?”
February 25, 2011 at 3:01 am #718475
yes2wsParticipantWhy single out a poster who shared, what in all actuality was a darn good looking equal split, and turn his posting into the latest platform?
February 25, 2011 at 3:06 am #718476
ZenguyParticipantWe have to keep in mind that one persons chore is another persons pleasure. Laundry is not something I love or hate, but my partner finds it “relaxing”…knock yourself out I say. I do not mind ironing things that need it, he would just assune knaw off his right arm. Neither one of us like toilets and we take turns.
Bottom line, we cannot take what we hate and assume it is a chore for one or the other. What works for one couple might not be appropriate for everyone.
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.