The other day my friend bob was telling me how good it is to be a straight white male. And you know what . . . he's right. Straight white males got it good.
But you know who's got it REALLY good? (You'll never guess.)
Straight white CONSERVATIVE males.
Yup! You heard me. If you're a straight white conservative male in Seattle right now, this is your moment. So don't blow it.
Here's what you do . . .
1) Put on your best business suit and stick a large Mitt Romney pin on your lapel. Pull your tattered old Atlas Shrugged off the shelf and head down to the neighborhood trend bar.
2) When you get to the bar, plunk yourself down at an empty table by some liberal hotties.
Important: Do not sit WITH the hotties and do not attempt to speak to them. Instead, let them observe you from a distance.
3) Order a micro-brew and nurse it slowly, staring wistfully out the window and shooting an occasional glance at the hotties. Every now and then, shake your head, sigh, and underline some passage in the book. Whatever you do, don't mutter. And don't CRY.
Here's what will happen . . .
At first, the hotties will recoil in horror at the sight of a plutocrat invading their space. Some will move to other tables or even leave the bar. However, a few hotties will remain and you will eventually overhear them whispering things like, "Oh, the poor man," and "I don't care. I think he's kinda cute."
Call the bartender over and buy them all a round, but don't make eye contact and instruct the bartender not to blow your cover no matter what.
Eventually the hotties will start gravitating to you. Continue acting like they're not there.
When they engage you in conversation, stay away from specifics. Do NOT controvert anything they say, but don't agree with them either. Say things like, "I just don't see it that way." If they ask you to explain how you DO see it, say: "I can't explain it. I guess I'm just . . . different."
Help the hotties imagine a world in which they have finally convinced you to be more like them. Let them know that simply by being kind they have changed your view of liberals ("I guess they're not such bad people"). At the same time, make it clear that they've still got a long way to go in this area and that you're still "conservative to the core." (Do not explain what you mean by that.)
Important:
Do not use the word "think" in reference to what you do.
Do not use the world "feel" in reference to what they do.
Continue buying the drinks. If you're driving a Mercedes, flash them a key fob or some other accoutrement now and then. At the right moment, say something about "chivalry" and offer to drive one or two of them home.
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A word to the wise about condoms: You should have one ready, just in case she doesn't. But always let her offer first.
westseattleblog
West Seattle Blog
West Seattle Blog
