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Coping with loss this Christmas

Started 1 year ago by HunterG
Latest reply from The Velvet Bulldog

HunterG
Member Profile

Hi all...I am looking for some advice.

This year within two weeks I lost my favorite grandfather and beloved pet of seventeen years.

For the past three weeks I have wanted to bring home every cat I see, torturing myself. Although it would be wonderful to have a Christmas kitten, I promised my girl moments before she passed I wouldn't get another for a year and a Christmas without my grandfather just seems alien.

Other than reminiscing in memory how do you cope? What do you other folks do? I haven't ever had to deal with this before. I want to be happy about the holiday season but am having a hard time and am trying not sink into a mild depression. Sorry to be a bummer, maybe this will just be a sad yule.

Posted 1 year ago #
Bonnie
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I lost my beloved kitty of almost 16 years a bit over a year ago. It was tough. I wanted a kitty very badly but decided to wait. I waited almost a year to get another kitten and I'm glad I waited.

So sorry for your loss of your kitty and grandfather.

Posted 1 year ago #
Sonoma
Member Profile

I agree, it's a good idea to wait. I am sorry about your losses - very sad. I think people are pressured to feel jolly jolly relentlessly cheery this time of year, and that only makes things worse for those who are enduring a loss. You have every reason to feel sad and down - it's normal and sane, considering your losses. Try to talk with other people, get outside, read a good book, or just rest up and take care of yourself. When the time is right, the perfect new animal pal will come into your life.

Posted 1 year ago #
JanS
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HunterG...maybe contact Hammerhead at FCAT. She has baby kitties that need humans to come play with them, to get them used to human touch. It would do your heart and their heart a whole lot of good. And you don't have to take them home. It's good just to go play with them !

Posted 1 year ago #
flowerpetal
Member Profile

The Unity Church one block off of Denny has conducted a small service at this time for people who are grieving at this time of year. Not sure if it is happening this year; or perhaps other churches are doing something similar.
On our Christmas tree we have hanging two doggie ornaments for our dogs who have passed. It helps us to remember the happy times with them.

Posted 1 year ago #
The Velvet Bulldog
Member Profile

Oh Hunter, sorry for your losses. This would be difficult any time of the year. I would say that it's ok to let yourself be sad and accept that you're grieving--ask your friends and family to make space for this. You can also honor your loved ones by lighting candles for them, making toasts to them and finding ways to express how they have been, and will be, a part of your life. If you feel like you need to "get outside of yourself" you might try to find some volunteer work--it's really true that doing for others makes you feel better! (I have some lawn work that needs to be done--ahem...) If you feel the need for laughter, watch funny movies or listen to funny stuff. (If you're a liberal, "The Capital Steps" is good stuff. If you're not a liberal, then...not so much.) Ask for hugs. Reaching out to this community for input was a huge step! Grieving is a process, and doesn't happen in a straight line from sad to happy; some days will be better than others. I'm sending you support and good wishes and hugs. Let us know how you're doing, ok?

Posted 1 year ago #
TDe
Member Profile

Agree with JanS about contacting FCAT. Interacting with animals is a good way to deal with grief and loss.

Posted 1 year ago #
HSG
Member Profile

HunterG, I am so sorry for your loss. My grandfather died on Christmas eve when I was 9 and it was very hard the first few years after his death to express sadness while it seemed like everyone else was celebrating. I think knowing that it's okay to be sad and not in a festive mood helps. I think my mom and grandmother coped by giving Christmas eve to my grandfather while giving Christmas day to us kids. They would go to mass on Christmas eve and cry and reminisce, then Christmas day they would focus on watching us open gifts and playing with our new toys. Obviously, emotions can't be confined to a single day, but I think giving yourself dedicated time to grieve, when you aren't expected to do anything else, is key.

For the loss of your sweet girl, I will second JanS. I have played with kittens for FCAT, and it is a great way to get your cat needs met without the commitment of a new pet. Kittens and cats also need to be fostered sometimes, but that may be harder when it is time to say goodbye. When our eldest dog died in April I wanted to bring home every dog I saw, but knew we weren't ready for another pet. Instead started volunteering with West Seattle See Dogs. Right away I was able to get a puppy fix. Now I am ready to start raising a puppy and will get one in a couple months. Everyone I know asks me if I'll be okay giving the puppy back. I think it will be easier than losing a beloved pet. Plus, you can get a new puppy the same day that you send your old puppy back.

I hope you find peace, HunterG.

Posted 1 year ago #
SJoy
Member Profile

I am very sorry for your loss. When I lost my mother for the first few years holidays were really hard. I am grateful that I have a large and loving family that missed my mother as much as I did and still do. I agree with everyone else that you don't need to be "jolly" and you don't need to be "happy".
As for the cat situation. I don't think I agree with everyone else. Why wait? If you want a pet to love, snuggle and keep you company - then GO GET ONE. It, in no way whatsoever, reflects how you felt and still feel about your beloved cat. We unfortunately had to put our dog down last year and my son was adamant that we needed to get an animal for my mother-in-law (who lives with us) because she was so sad. The kitty was fun and a great distraction from the loss of our family dog. When this cat went missing (I think she was eaten by a coyote) I was DEVASTATED, it took a couple of months but we went and got another kitty. Pets our part of our soul and there isn't anyone else that can sit on your lap with the unconditional love that your pet can give you.
We are going through a very tough time this year as my mother in law is dying, this will be her last Christmas. My motto is - whatever it takes to get through the day. Go get a new kitty and let him/her help soothe your sadness - why wait?
Good luck to you and you will be in my prayers :-)

Posted 1 year ago #
JoB
Member Profile

HunterG

For a variety of reasons.. Christmas hasn't been a good time for me so I spent a lot of time thinking about what i wanted from the holiday instead of just going through the motions for what people expected of me.

It's been a very gradual transition but my heart is lighter this year than it has ever been.. and i think for the right reasons.

volunteering is the best antidote I know for grief... there is something about making other people happier that raises your spirits.

go where there are people and where there is work and you can't go wrong...

even better if the souls you help are our four legged friends who won't let tears ruin the day.

give yourself permission to grieve ...
there are times when a good pity party is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Mine once involved ding dongs, flannel jammies and sappy movies but a pity party can be anything that works for you .. i think i might choose ferry rides and chocolate these days:)

as for christmas day.. make room for yourself under that tree.

We are doing a Christmas basket full of the kinds of things we wouldn't necessarily spoil ourselves with in lieu of presents this year.

For us.. that means a couple of Rick Bayless Mexican cookbooks and a tour guide or two and a wish book for the Ecuadorian vacation we hope to take this year or next and some foodie treats... oh.. and warm fuzzy socks:)

fill your basket and your heart with spoiling gifts and thoughts...

and the care and concern of your forum friends...
for somehow we have become more than just a resource for one another..

Merry Christmas Hunter G...

Posted 1 year ago #
bsmomma
Member Profile

I am so sorry for your loss'. :( The Admiral is doing there Free Christmas Movie tonight and you bring donations for Pet Shelters (or something along that line). Maybe the movie could lift your spirits and if not, doing something good for animals that would go without should do the trick. :) Plus you'll get to be surrounded by a bunch of other West Seattlers. Keep your head up. I'm sure your Grandfather and kitty would want you to be happy. Merry Christmas!

Posted 1 year ago #
me on 28th Ave SW
Member Profile

HunterG

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. It is hard to be in mourning and living among the "non-mourning" isn't it? The first few weeks after my brother's sudden death I spent in a fog. I remember looking at people laughing and thinking "why are they so happy?" and now I know that this is a completely normal response.
..
I am guessing that everywhere you look you are seeing reminders of your loved ones. It is painful at first, because it reminds you of your loss but I want to encourage you to really feel it and not try to "stuff it down". This "stiff upper lip" stuff is actually easier than feeling the feelings. I hope that you can be kind to yourself; imagine how carefully you would take care of the most important person in the world to you if they were in pain and do that for YOURSELF. If you don't feel like going to the party, don't. If you feel like listening to that CD that always makes you cry, do. This phase won't last forever, but I think it is important that you listen to your heart and your needs. Life does go on, but it will be different without your loved ones and that is okay. Be gentle with yourself.
..
It has been 3 years since my sad Christmas. I still see reminders every day of my loved ones who have moved on, and sometimes I still tear up but mostly I think "oh, there you are, I sure do miss you!" and I am happy to be reminded. I like to think it is an affirmation of how much we loved each other.
..
Whenever you are ready to open your heart and home to a new kitty I think it will be the luckiest cat in West Seattle.
..
Hugs and well-wishes.

Posted 1 year ago #
miws
Member Profile

Hunter, Sorry for your losses.

Yes, the first holidays after the loss of a loved one, human or critter, are the toughest.

Others have given some excellent advice so far.

I don't know how social you are with your co-workers outside of the job, but as a long time customer, I've come to know of most of them as seemingly very caring, down to earth, people.

Perhaps you could lean on some of them a bit, for hugs and such, if you haven't dome so already, (and off duty, so you don't tear up at work. ;-) ).

Hang in there, although the emotional wounds never completely go away, time does soften the pain a bit.

Mike

Posted 1 year ago #
EmmyJane
Member Profile

Ah Hunter, I'm so so sorry to hear about all that. :-(

I think Jan has a good idea with being exposed to animals without the commitment right away to see how you feel about it. Some people can get animals right away after a loss, and some can't. Also, I think FAF which has the kittens at Next to Nature still needs volunteers if you'd like to look into that.

Posted 1 year ago #
HunterG
Member Profile

Thank you all so much for the kind words and thoughtful advice, I found gems of knowledge in everyone's responses.

JanS - that is a wonderful suggestion. I have been thinking of how I could get the human/cat interaction I am longing for and kitten play would be wonderful.

Sjoy - No matter how badly I do want to go get a new cat, it is honoring a promise I made to her that I would wait.

me on 28th - you are absolutely right, I am finding constant reminders everywhere. Like a song on Muzak at work and people buying gifts for their pets or all of the grandpas coming in in their baby-blue Levis Jeans.

Mike - I love my coworkers and they are wonderful also really good at giving hugs, which has helped.

Again, thank you all. You have been extremely helpful, I think this year I will let myself be sad when the mood arises and be thankful for the love an happiness I have in my life.

Peace to the world and love to you all this yule.

Posted 1 year ago #
miws
Member Profile

Hunter, I don't know if you set a definite waiting time in the promise to your kitty, but, I have a hunch that she'll let you know through a new cat/kitten, whether it's tomorrow, in six months, or in a year.

Mike

Posted 1 year ago #
hammerhead
Member Profile

HunterG (as I am crying) you or anyone are welcome to come for your cat/kitten fix. I am close by and have a volunteer here M-F to be here if I am not. You wouldn't even have to scoop a litter box, I also want to give a shout out to FAF, but cat/kittens in a store type of situation,can be a bit more than you might can handle right now. So matter what you choose may you find some comfort in your heart.

A big MEOW from my "clan".

FCAT

Posted 1 year ago #
Garden_nymph
Member Profile

HunterG,

I too am sorry for your loss. I admire that you were able to seek advice, prospective and love from our community. I am touched by all the amazing responses you received. Warm regards.

Posted 1 year ago #
Pibal
Member Profile

Hi HunterG,

We all share in your loss...

A few thoughts stand out right off the bat. First, I congratulate you on being willing to open yourself up and reach out to others. Being open to that risk - because you're never sure how others will respond - reveals incredible strength and self-confidence on your part. And please take note how everyone above has responded - each has responded with great empathy. You should feel good about for taking that risk. And way to go to my fellow Westies!

Second, please take note of your initial question: "Other than reminiscing in memory how do you cope?" This might be seen as a subtle point; in my mind, it is a most significant one. Namely: When you stop asking "Why?" and start asking "How?" you have reached a significant transition point in your grieving. It means you have begun to accept the loss and are just struggling with how to incorporate it into your daily living. This signifies a major achievement on your part, and you should reward yourself for reaching it. It's hard, emotional, and draining work. You are on the right track and you should be very proud of that.

If there is anything else I can offer, it's the following... Always take the time to simply feel. It will hit you at the craziest of times, driving down the road, at the grocery store, at a gathering of friends. Instead of denying the feelings, let them take over. If it's an inconvenient time and place, simply excuse yourself and yield to the moment. Let it go... As much as it hurts, it will be rejuvenating. It may seem like you are taking two steps back for every step forward. It will get better over time...

I do not know if you are a spiritual person or not. Whether or not you ever have been doesn't even matter. The important thing is that the power of prayer or meditation or whatever suits you best is very powerful. Ultimately, God/Allah/Yahweh/Bhagwaan/Buddha doesn't care how you pray or meditate - just the attempt to do so will bring you a measure of peace. There is an inner sense of trust that comes from faith.

Lastly, if you have a friend that will simply listen in a non-judgmental way, one that can do so without telling you what to do, consider asking them if you could just talk. I believe this is one of the most valuable things a friend can offer another. A few years down the road, neither of you will ever remember what was said. You'll always know that this friend was there for you when you most needed it. It's one of the most incredible gifts any human being can give another.

I sincerely hope this helps. Hang in there. You're doing great!

Posted 1 year ago #
The Velvet Bulldog
Member Profile

Hey HG: wanted to check in and see how things are going.

Posted 1 year ago #